Some libelous lies I made up about George Clooney, because he seems like the type of guy who won't go legal all over my ass.

in life •  last month

I can't help thinking that self drive cars are going to make drive by killings a whole lot easier. Thereby taking all of the fun out of them. Damn you progress.


(All rights to this picture are the property of Slash Gear)

George Clooney: This is payback for making all other men look bad in comparison. Go on do us all a favor, punch an old lady in the face.

The following facts, although entirely contradictory, are all true. They amply demonstrate that Clooney is an enigma and a conundrum and a paradox. One that could possibly cause the space time continuum to explode violently. Obviously the odds are trillions to one against but why take that risk? Please note all of our lies are carefully chosen and hand picked to guarantee their freshness.

  1. George Rampkin Hand Dryer Clooney reproduces via osmosis making him unique in the animal kingdom. His first ever job was as a load bearing wall in a Seattle coffee shop.

  2. George Theodore Mohicantitty Clooney doesn't exist, but nobody has the heart to tell him. Not even his wife (Who isn't a figment of imagination). When you look at those sad soulful eyes in his beautiful face you can be forgiven for thinking that there's a near human intelligence there. That he can think and even feel things like disappointment and love. What sort of heartless monster would go up to George and say: Sorry but it turns out you're entirely imaginary Mr Clooney (I think it would be more respectful than calling him George, as that can seem patronizing). Thank God somebody imagined him anyway.

  3. George Hilary Rodham Clooney's agent Hyacynth Spongecleaner: "Yeah with his sort of beauty and the high profile the projects keep flooding in. I literally have to fight them off. George's face can sell any old shit. Of course we like to maintain his high level profile so even though they've offered big money we haven't touched hemorrhoid cream or drain cleaners. We tend to stick to prestige brands like Ferrari, Rolex and Dollar Tree. Currently George is filming a promotional campaign for Napalm as it's had a really bad press since it was declared illegal under international law. If anyone can save it from dying on it's ass it's George.

  4. Oh yes he's handsome, intelligent, talented and generous but he's also a really cheap date. Half a glass of champagne and he's anybody's. Some have called Clooney the best actor of the 21st Century. Others call him a genius while others still call him an irritated chimp with piles carelessly flicking lit matches at a faulty gas fire. Only history will tell and fuck knows what historians will do with the barest of facts. A hundred years from now he'll probably have invented a new type of visible light or air that makes you younger. Who knows what they'll make up from the partisan lies journalists write.

  5. When he's bored George Swimming Pool Filtration Unit Clooney likes to stand on one leg atop an old man's balls. There's nothing he likes better than posing on a scrotum. It makes him smile and somehow that makes all the worlds pain go away. Eventually it ends up concentrated in an old man's testes.

  6. George Are You Sure This Ladders Safe Clooney; has admitted that for him being fucking perfect is just instinct. He probably doesn't even fart and if he does it smells like expensive cologne.

  7. George Chlamydia Infection Clooney, was an only child who was orphaned over a year before he was born. Due to this George and his 3 younger sisters were forced to live with their parents in a hole just outside Texas. When they couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on their hole, the men who came to evict them were instantly rendered dead by a single disapproving stare.

  8. BREAKING NEWS: George Lulubelle Virginia Token Ethnic Clooney has been startled. Awaiting further updates as the drama unfolds.

  9. George Anal Fistula Clooney's next movie, starring him obviously, was also written and conceived by the part time peripatetic dentist and onion grader. It's based on real events during the Japanese bombing of Pea Harbor and will heavily feature mime and sock puppets.

  10. George Bath Towel Clooney loves to relax by putting a day old kitten into a sock then beating homeless people to death with it. It's not quick or easy or particularly humane, but that only shows George is a true artist.

  11. From the book of George Clooney Quotes : "Sometimes the only thing you can do with your problems is buy a gun and shoot them."

  12. George Scratch Card Clooney holds the world record for finding missing socks. It's one, which makes the record unbeatable.

  13. George I Am a Lion Hear Me Roar Clooney is denying rumors he's conquered aging by using minced orphans as body lotion. "Rest assured", he has told his legions of fans "I buy those orphans purely for my own medical research projects and their spare organs are put to good use making collages depicting scenes from my earlier life as a saliva salesman in Kandahar."

  14. Caution: George Balthazar Ophelia Clooney's personality can kill at ranges of up to 500 yards.

  15. George Stoat Fondler Clooney has revealed in the 27th volume of his autobiography that he has indeed touched a spoon longingly but with little tenderness. He considers the matter now closed and refuses to answer ancillary questions unless posed in the medium of French Chantilly lace from the early 18th century.

There you go that should be more than enough for his lawyers to peruse prior to bringing a case against me. My entire defense is based on me cloning multiple copies of GC from his pubic hair. Not much luck so far, but fingers crossed.

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