Kids, we asked the important questions. Then we left before anyone could answer them. That's how we roll.

In my defense I have to say that I only attempted to smuggle the 22 kilos of heroin through customs because some drug dealers threatened me. They threatened not to pay me the $100,000 if I didn't.

KIDS: ARE THEY WORTH IT?

The short accurate answer is no. It's pointless. Their resale value alone makes them a very poor investment. This is possibly due to the globalization of rug rats. Today a couple will at some point consider whether it's worth getting one for the rottweiler to play with while they are out. There is nothing wrong with this in a free market economy. Those couples can be gay, straight or whatever the fuck they like. I know I don't care about the sexual spectrum. Believe it or not it's very rare I ever meet anyone and think "I wonder what they get up to in the bedroom?" I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Knowing who, how, where, when and why someone does the sexy business provides no relevant information whatsoever. You might as well ask them what their star sign is. Then if they say Sagittarius you know they are a cunt. Just joking because your star sign is as much of an indicator of character as your hat size is. It's all fucking irrelevant. Now I've got that inconsequential nonsense off my chest let's continue.

Firstly I would like to thank Cathy Newman of the UK's Channel Four news unit. Many of you will have seen or possibly heard of her interview with Jordan Peterson. Opinion is divided over who won the debate. Some think it was Jordan Peterson and the others are wrong. Thing is I wish to thank this #metoo feminist for opening my eyes about the inequality in our society. I'd always known about it but this outstanding Liberal Progressive has truly shown me the way forward. Next time I hear some whiny fuck up failure complain about society not being fair and asking me for help I'll give them the enlightened, feminist, progressive, liberal reply Cathy gave to JP: "What's in it for me?" Turns out to be nothing so you can fuck right off you needy shit stains, as far as I'm concerned. Got to say that's a weight off in itself. I previously always felt obligated to offer help and assistance to those in need, but if this paragon of progressiveness can ask that so can I without fear of censure. Unless of course the whole inclusivity, equality thing is a whole heap of hypocritical lies and bullshit with different rules for different groups.

Now we make a huge turn and apply this to the subject of my post. Having a few ankle biters "WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?" Although in this case the me is actually you. I have kids. They were fucking awful and incredibly expensive to raise. At first it seemed like a good idea to have the lady push out a few sprogs. She was all for it and her enthusiasm overwhelmed me. Instead of thinking it through, I assumed she had. I thought she'd have at least done a cost benefit analysis. Boy was I wrong. Strangely, for a woman, she'd made her decision based purely on emotions. I know having kids is handy if you should ever require replacement organs in the future. I'm O negative blood type which is pretty shit all round. My blood can be used to transfuse anyone on the planet. It was only after the dirty deed was done, and she was impregnated, that I found her blood group was AB positive. Now I've got 2 children neither of whom can save my life by donating a couple of lungs and a liver. I know I should have stopped as soon as I'd found out the other half's blood group, but I stupidly doubled down in the hope of at least breaking even.

Turns out babies are really boring and a pain in the ass. First, all they do is eat, shit and scream. Then after you've lost so much sleep you're having conversations with imaginary sea horses at four in the morning, they settle down for a bit before destroying your home. Trouble is babies are stupid. You see a wildlife documentary and you think "oh that looks beautiful" that new born horse is up and about in seconds and gamboling around the field five minutes later. Then you have a small red screaming thing that's completely retarded. All it does is sleep all day and cry all night. It knows nothing. Then 12 months later it's at least learned to sit up and crawl before it takes its first steps. That fucking foal is winning races by this time. Yet my backward offspring is falling over and trying to brain itself on anything with a corner. You're constantly going round buying stuff to stop it maiming itself or drinking bleach. That's quite expensive. It's also time consuming. And you can guarantee that even if you put up every safety device you can think of, then cover the kid in bubble wrap, it will find another way to hurt itself. That horse I invented, the one that's now winning races, could spend 30 seconds in the company of an unattended toddler then suddenly become a choking hazard.

Recently I also discovered that thanks to their addictions to disposable diapers and wet wipes the little fuckers are destroying the planet. That's not fair. It's a travesty. I've not finished abusing the world yet. I've got loads more shit I want to do to it before the environment becomes 100% toxic to all life. I had to wait patiently for my go. These queue jumpers are already laying waste to the rivers and oceans without waiting their turn like I did. I should have at least 20 more years of naked greed and consumerism to get through, but I'm the one that has to cut back on the needless use of finite resources.

Is there a way round this conundrum? I'm not sure but I think your best bet is not to make your own babies. I know it's a lot of fun making babies, I particular enjoy doing the arms myself, but I've just outlined only a few of the draw backs. I think it would have been much better if I'd gone and got a second hand carpet crawler. It's too late for me now, but maybe my sacrifice has not been in vain if others learn from it. To be honest I haven't gone into the mechanics of it in any great detail. Most of my knowledge on this subject is second hand also. It's also what the courts would call hearsay. Caution Brad and Angelina have split up. There is a very real chance that Angelina will hook up with another handsome, successful, incredibly rich man. Or woman or rainbow sexual or whatever. Possibly a giraffe. She's a bit mental so there's no way of predicting this accurately. That's beside the point. Once she marry's whoever or whatever she finds there's a good chance she'll want to buy a few more ethnics to add to her collection. Once she's out of the blocks and raiding every orphanage on the planet others may follow thus driving up the price.

If you want an ethnic you have to act fast before Hollywood advances across the globe like a horde of locusts. Then there's Madonna. She's been quiet on this front for a bit, but there's no telling what's going on inside her head right now. I heard that the last time she visited Malawi she'd adopted 3 children and flown them home before the kids parents knew anything about it. Turns out they'd only been visiting the place.

The interweb is your friend in this instance. Many of these orphanages have online catalogs of their merchandise. Instead of flying over there, which would be expensive and negate most of your savings on wet wipes, you can shop online. Now I am pretty much thinking this through as I go along. There are several potential pitfalls with this method of obtaining children. What do you do if it arrives and you find it doesn't match the curtains? What do you do if it's not the one you actually selected. How long is the warranty period? In the event of a mismatch, or even buyers remorse, whats the returns policy? Will I get a full refund? Do they simply send me another one of equal or greater value. Or will I only get a credit note like the parents of those kids that Madonna swiped did? Do I need to retain the original packaging? If not then should I stab a few air holes in the box before I ship it back? Right now all I know for certain is that if I do go for it I'd get one of the Bangladeshi ethnics. Minimum 4 years old so it's got at least 2 years experience of working in a sweat shop. That will substantially raise its resale value at the very least, should you change your mind about the benefits of ownership.

There you go then, I told you at the start that I had no answers, but I hope I've educated you on the questions you should be asking before you commit to child possession. You may decide to make your own. Not what I'd advise but it's a free country so they tell me. You may go down the route half of Hollywood has and buy one of the ones that have been run in and had all the teething problems sorted out by someone else who actually gives a fuck. It's entirely up to you how you wish to blight your life. Oh and you shouldn't forget that the politically correct thing to do if anyone with a problem asks for help you should instantly reply "What's in it for me?" I cannot take any credit for this though because I'd always wrongly assumed I should offer whatever help I could give. From now on that will be my liberal progressive mantra. Many thanks to Cathy Newman of Channel 4 News UK and right back at you Cathy.