ELON MUSK : Today we ask the important question everybody wants to know the answer to. What does it smell like?
(All rights to this picture belong to DIEGO DONAMARIA/GETTY IMAGES)
It's time for some more offensive nonsense. Some of you may find offensive nonsense offends. Read on anyway to see just how offended you can get.
The professional psychobabblist will tell you to forget about wanting to kill your father and sleep with your mother. It's all old fashioned, outmoded bullshit these days. The real psychological battle is with yourself wanting to paint your mother (gloss or emulsion but never in oils that would be perverse) and sleep with your fathers best friend from work. That near endless personal struggle as you seek to sleep with yourself and have sex with anyone who has been touched by fate. It's as old as time and quite possibly predates the big bang. All we can say with any certainty is that Neanderthal man is over there. Oh that's a shame you just missed him. That's a shame.
So when you get those disturbing troublesome dreams. What you need to do is to embrace them. Even though they involve erections, moistness, your parents and a multitude of animals. In my opinion, which is the only one that really matters, you should simply introduce the concept of the cutaway into your dreams. When your dream dad is performing oral sex upon you, as you watch your mother being ravaged by a donkey, do your cutaway. Trains disappearing into tunnels repeatedly, erupting volcanoes and waves crashing on beaches are all good visual metaphors you can use to hide your ultimately repulsive nature. Don't go away from this pointless subterfuge thinking you're a disgusting sexually confused pervert. You are obviously, but you have to hide that from the rest of society to avoid becoming a pariah. Push that sexual confusion down into the deepest darkest pit of your subconsciousness along with all that other disgusting stuff. That way there's always a very good chance it will explode into a prolonged orgy of violence at some point in the future. Oh boy will you feel a lot better after that. I know I always do.
Having briefly touched on squirrel rape previously (I know I have at least once, but I cannot remember when) now would be a good time to cover it more fully. There's been a lot in the media about this practice, at least in the media I frequent in my trawls through the deepest darkest intestines of the internet. Is it wrong? No it isn't. Those squirrels, red or grey, are asking for it. The way they parade around naked. Their tails thrusting into the air. Pointing directly at their reproductive parts. "Here they are, come and get some", they are obviously saying in their squirrel language. They deserve it and no one can doubt the pleasure to be obtained from stuffing your shriveled micro penis into a freshly caught and expertly stunned squirrel. That feigned look of dazed bewilderment as you thrust into them isn't fooling anyone. They love it. Think how Masculine you'll be able to feel knowing you've done sex with a powerless creature. One that needlessly flaunted its availability for sexual congress so was deservedly ravished. The great thing with squirrels is that raping them isn't the only sexual perversion you can use them for. For example I inserted 2 an hour ago and I'm feeling fantastic. Oh wait. I think one of them has just suffocated.
Eye rape although not as criminally serious as vaginal, anal, oral or canyon rape is still a crime in most western societies. I suppose squirrel rape is to, but I say fuck 'em and then I do. Since the police won't do anything about the rocketing rates of eye rape (It's those fucking squirrels I tell ya, but no fucker listens) it's left up to us to go all vigilante on these eye rapists. It's low level stuff like this that leads to worse crimes in the future. Therefore we should have a zero tolerance strategy towards it. I don't think I'm being over zealous insisting that eye rapists need to be hunted down and strung up, by their testicles, from tall buildings. I expect that all of the people reading this (yes both of them) will be conscious of the voices in my head who are currently driving me mental again. Normally I wouldn't let their constant bickering affect me, but I haven't taken my medication since last Gibbonday. Now I'm going to have to lie down for a while and insert a couple of fresh squirrels as these ones have stopped working entirely.