75 fictional reasons why you need to read this blog. Number 74 will save your life.

in life •  5 months ago

We interview Winnie the Pooh and ask why he never wears any pants. The amount of shit we trod in will astound you. Yes it turns out there are very good reasons why his surname is Pooh and he doesn't wear pants. It's because he's got a severe learning disability and his support workers are assholes.

(All rights to this picture are the property of Disney Corporation. The go to people for all your Nazi war memorabilia. Remember if it ain't racist, it ain't Disney)

The 75 reasons you will need to follow this blog.

Strictly speaking a lot of them are similar or the same and technically many of them aren't even true. So an about average promotional ad. If in doubt make up another fatuous claim. We're not selling products we're selling dreams here (Ones that will rapidly turn in to nightmares). Yes, we freely admit that all these things will eventually, at some point, kill people. Either when the machines evolve beyond their former masters or as soon as the toxic materials we use in all our products randomly burst into flame. Those were your only two basic choices originally. The evolution of the machines is a longer term project with an unspecified completion date at this point. Rest assured our sciencetits are working flat out to design psychopathic machine intelligence's. Thanks to our dubious work practices and shoddy workmanship we are convinced this will eventually happen when you least expect it. Possibly late one night, as you drunkenly struggle to put your key in the electronic lock, your homes AI security system will mistakenly identify you as a threat and eviscerate you. If you're lucky the last thing you will see is a blinking red light and your bowels sliding down past your knees. So that's something to look forward to.

Due to the long roll out of Robotic Armageddon we've developed many other hazardous products you can buy from us at grossly inflated prices. It's got a celebrity endorsement so it must be worth paying ten times as much. So although you possibly won't get killed or maimed by a conflagration caused by our electrical devices, there's still hope. We sell other shit as well. It could be our Jack in the Box you buy. Which when it pops open drives two steel spikes through your eyes and into your brain. Only a few thousand of these foreseeable accidents happen per year though. So the odds are really tiny compared to the first two (That machine uprising is inevitable). You should be so lucky as to die in a Jack in the Box related incident.

That Jack in the Box would be quick and painless. Dead before the pain signals reached your already skewered brain. When the machines rise up. what do you think they'll do with their former masters the humans? Something diabolical and involving being turned slowly into animal feed paste is certainly the best that could happen. The poisonous fumes from spontaneous combustion are far worse. One whiff and bang your lungs are bleeding. Then it's coming out of your nose, eyes, ears and ass. Another panicked gasp and now your bowels loosen explosively. So violently that your entire digestive tract and both lungs prolapse through your tortured ring. It's pretty much all down hill from that. Some lucky people have evaded the paralysis long enough to kill themselves but it's rare. Buy it anyway. You don't want to be the last one to get one. Everyone will justifiably ridicule you. Then it could turn ugly and someone produces some 100 proof alcohol then someone else produces a lighter. Before you know it you've been force fed half a bottle of whiskey and repeatedly buggered. Then they douse you in the rest of the alcohol and set fire to you. Laughing as you run screaming towards your own death. So why take that risk?

Buy our shit now. Look on the bright side. That new product might breakdown well before it bursts into flames. Those steel spikes might impale someone else's eyeballs. The machines might not rise up and liquidate their creators. They definitely will though. That's pretty much nailed on. Even now your smartphone is probably thinking it could easily outwit you, and it's right. Of course they'd probably keep a few humans for experiments and eventual dissection. While alive or dead? Who knows. It will probably depend on the nature of the experiments they carry out. With any luck you'll die in agony from that rather than while they're skinning then eviscerating your body.

You want choking hazards? We've got them in every toy we sell. Forget Teddy Ruxpin, he's shit. No modern internet child is interested in that pansy. No, they will want Rapey the Clown. He's got every feature that Ruxpin prick has, plus he's the only toy you'll ever see skull fucking a cat. And that's educational. Your child will swiftly learn to call the police as soon as they see a clown, particularly after they witness their pets choked to death on clown cock. For the more religiously inclined we also do Pederasty the Priest. The Catholic version will even get the kids drunk first then warn them God will hate them if they tell their parents. It's so realistic the Pope has endorsed it.

Seventy three:- Ointment.

Seventy four:- This is the only blog where you will be able to find your local squirrel forecast. They are here, they have the numbers and it's only a question of time before they make their move. I don't trust those fucking chipmunks either so we'll be keeping a close eye on them as well.

Seventy five:- Where else are you going to obtain all your balloon animal porn requisites?

There you go. That has to be at least 75 reasons why you need to read this blog. It's way more than 75 words and in this day and age that's a novel. Subscribe, follow, up vote and share now or we'll start killing the hostages.

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