Sometimes I just can't control these thoughts. Its nice to have steemit as an outlet almost like a journal. I know speaking of this here is far from being as private as a journal would be but it is very therapeutic. As many have heard me speak about I've just celebrated 18 months clean from drugs and alcohol on Christmas day. I had used drugs to suppress my feelings and avoid life since I was around 12 years old. Its effect on my mental health is always catching up with me. Coping skills and other issues have been difficult for me since I've never really spent time maturing into an adult as humans should be in their late teens and early 20s. These poor living skills can creep into every part of my life. Work, being a father, a boyfriend, pretty much every aspect of my life. I believe this is a factor that makes it hard for recovering addicts to succeed. Things that others have spent over a decade fine tuning in their minds me be taken for granted. Without skills such as money management can be second nature to someone who has been maturing at a normal rate. Its hard to admit my faults and when they were brought to my attention recently as I had lost my job it became overwhelming.
I began to wonder if I was even fit to walk this earth. Last night as I was laying in bed my girlfriend (also a recovering addict) was discourage with my inability to show affection recently. I guess its hard to show affection when you are thinking of taking your own life and how to create a suicide note that your 5 year old daughter can receive when shes old enough apologizing for not be able to be there for her as she grows older.
Today is a new day though and hopefully I can keep gaining strength to overcome and learn to live with the life that I have created.