You drive me crazy

in life •  2 months ago

Three days on meds and two days off. Here’s me, still a basket case. This may last awhile.

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You never know what’s going to happen when meds tinker with your brain chemistry. I’m grateful I track what’s happening with any new prescription. I pay a lot of attention to side effects. I don’t think I’ve ever taken meds that haven’t had an unpleasant side effect. The least offensive one I take now just puts me to sleep. Fortunately, I only take it at night.

When it comes to prescription meds, I have run the gamut. They are tools that can support my mental well-being, but they can just as easily hurt it. An example: it took me four tries to find an anti-depressant that didn’t either make me nauseous or angry or both. Each try was at least a month long. Not a fun journey. But when I found the right med, I also found hope and stability. I became a better parent and my kids began succeeding where they had previously struggled.

I can always tell if I’m off by my kids’ behavior. Right now all three are rude and impatient. They are mirrors for me. While I work hard not to be rude and impatient, I am deeply overwhelmed by the demands of this summer. Because I have ADHD. Which I pursued medication for when I realized I was adversely affecting my children. And now my moodiness from meds is creating more drama.

Sigh.

I’m not going anywhere with this. Just noting as I hang in there and use all my natural remedies, supplements and actions that this journey is tough. I’m hoping for a positive outcome. Best case scenario is managing without meds, and worst is buying the hecka expensive one that did work but costs $300 per month.

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It's a horrible way to live life. At one time I was taking 5 meds. 2 for depression, 1 for seizures caused by the antidepressants, 1 for anxiety, and 1 so called mood stabilizer.
I was a walking zombie, a drooling, convulsing, irritable, nervous, unpredictable, manic, impulsive, zombie.
Several times the police found me walking the streets late at night near comatose not even knowing my name babbling about meds. The crazy thing is there was me inside the chemical fog recording it all in detail but I'll be damned if I could say my name at the time. I didn't know who I was, what I was doing, or why.
I remember the last time I tried to kill myself and ended up in the ER overhearing them checking on a bed to admit me back into the psyche ward.
NO! I said to myself jerking the IV out of my arm and running out the fire exit with no shoes, shorts, hospital gown, into the 45 degree pouring rain. I told myself then Never again.
It took nearly a month for body to rid itself of all the chemicals another month to gain strength and motivation to find work.
No! I'll never go back on medication like that ever again. Near 10 years has passed now and I can happily say I found my - self and the last 8 moths or so I've realized I smile and laugh a lot. Oh shit. I think I might be happy.

You are loved much and not alone in your walk, remember that.

I hope you get better over time. The only words I want to say is hugs and lots of love to you.

eSteem Curators

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