lists

The day I arrived in the most amazing city in the world it was warm but dark. I know this because I wrote it down. Ever since I read Khaneman I stopped trusting my memory. Perhaps I never did. Here's what I wrote:

Overcast sky, warm, no wind - factual
the air smells like we're in a mechanical Forrest - metaphors
there's this feeling of importance all around, potential to be fulfilled, dreams to be built - subjective impression

I re-read all this in the most spectacular apartment I was to live in for the next week. How did I get so lucky to have this apartment for myself, free of charge, courtesy of such a distant friend I could call a stranger?
I tried to take all this in, to make sense of what was happening, why while looking over the skyline...

I did not sleep much, I was tired and depressed.
On top of the world, I was looking down waiting for it all to fall down. Everything was wrong or almost so. First of all myself.
I started a list: Everything I don't like about my life now.

But first: shower. Then dressed up and go. You can do that when you travel: just go. You can't do this at home. At home you must go somewhere. go do something. go to work. go meet your friends. go shopping. go grocery shopping. go to sleep. go do laundry. go clean. go cook. go eat. go watch what you eat. go out. go to hell.
Here, you just go.
It's nice.

I wanted to do the list when I came back.

Fast forward to the night and I was in the best mood in the world. The dark skyline: an amazing painting just for myself. All those lights, people doing their things, working on their life. The cold beer: a reward for a long nice day. A nice burger. Some great random experiences. Life was...good. Everything was going well. AS it should.

The list remains empty.

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I wrote all this in my mind on the subway towards the airport. Wrote, re-wrote, re-wrote, re-thought until it was tattooed on my mind and I could write it down and pin it to the paper. I felt some sentences slipping waw, some evolving. I'm sure some did. Memory can't be relied upon.

I wrote all this on my way out when the depression cloud looms again above. Everything is wrong. The great sunny day, brilliantly showcasting the skyline was taunting. Goodbye. Whatever. Where;s the list when you need it?
Just because it is empty doesn't mean it should be empty.

I should start on it again but I got to go, my flights is boarding.