Listening is dangerous
I am in the habit of requesting some feedback after some interactions because I know that I am tone-deaf sometimes to social cues. Now this means that I will read some pretty bad things about myself and that's really hurtful. I mean no matter my mindset and no matter how openly and nicely they were delivered, my ego will manifest itself with a little skreatch. It passes but it's something interesting to observ.
Anyway, one of these days I got a feedback that I tend to monopolize a conversation and listen too little. Which is actually nothing new to me but it's "good"(BAAAD) to have confirmation on. I felt bad for the guy to have to stay through my endless monologues (interesting as I think they are) but got me thinking a little about this.
Thing is, I have this very deep ingrained idea and feeling that listening is dangerous. It's exposing myself to failure to being vulnerable and to being weak. It's scary. Listening is not a natural pleasant act for me. It's simply part of the pain of being me.
Now my friend knows me and his feedback was mostly: get over it. Other people won't have this patience for my perceived selfishness. They'll just chose not to talk to me and be done with it. Get over it or work on it are good advice.
However, this implies to stop trying to protect myself and lower the shield.
And somehow.
That's all I know how to do.
I certainly have that same problem. I'm incredibly wordy, and I have to be, because I write here on Steemit. Writing is my art. I can type forever, if I let myself. I suppose it's stream of thought.
But there is one thing that gives my words pause. I used to be quite shy. I would always let other people do talking in conversations, if I was in a group. A school lunch sort of thing. One day, everyone was talking, as usual, probably about some interesting topic. One of them turned to me suddenly, and simply asked, "What's your opinion on that?"
And then they paused, and I'm sure I said the most witty answer possible, and had a good time, because I finally had a moment to collect my thoughts and speak.
But the pause is essential. I always ensure that I give the people I'm talking with a chance to say their piece, and more than just that, I listen and encourage them to say more.
But to be fair, some people are just not into talking much, and are either not compatible with you, or they really are fine with mostly listening.
And to be fair the other way, sometimes a passionate speech or essay is incredibly amusing, even if a bit annoying. Some people just go with the flow. A friendly, charismatic demeanor helps too.
However, you also mentioned fear. Fear of listening, fear of being wrong.
My solution for that is to enjoy learning. Of course, some people are just dead wrong. Arguing with "someone who is wrong on the internet" can be fun, but also cause stress, fear, anxiety, and otherwise make you or them feel uncomfortable, especially if the conversation is going nowhere in circles because they're the ones who are wrong, and can't accept it.
Or you might be the one who is wrong.
So I write for the reader, Even during an argument. I'll write my points from an angle that implies an open mind, and a disposition that allows me to dynamically correct myself, and inform the opponent of their victories, while also trying to be at least a bit entertaining. But I also expect my opponent to notice if I've corrected them. That is what makes debate fun. A person who feels like they have to be right, or even that their opponents are bad people for disagreeing is an incredibly troublesome person. I recommend avoiding them.
But have a healthy expectation that the people you will be compatible friends with will think highly of you, and that you think highly of them. That ensures you have conversations with people who have your respect, and in turn, they will respect you. A true friend will understand you, and understand that you have quirks and a personality more vibrant than a rock.
Remember to be yourself, and to be the one in control of yourself. You'll be fine.
Thank you for the wordy response :) it's really cool to get a different perspective like that and enjoyed reading it.
Let me say that I wasn;t clear in my post - dunno why - that my fear of listening refers to me being hearing impaired. That is, I fear not hearing and entering listening mode puts me on guard and in a situation that I'll possibly need to reveal my weakness, or be rendered useless as I can't really participate given that I do not hear ( this happens a lot at parties and such ).
So that was my main point of view, not that I do not like to hear what other people - stupid or not :P - have to say.
Thank you!
I actually figured that out after reading some of your other posts. I had a moment of blushing and feeling like an idiot after I realized it. I'm sorry.
haha. no need for all that.
Everyone likes a good listener since everyone likes to talk about themselves but it's also bad to listen to much because it might actually stand in the way of creating good relationships.
People will just see you as weak and uninteresting. So be careful if you want to change something after hearing your friends opinion, but you should definitely not go in the opposite direction.
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