Coping with Alzheimer's

It's strange. I don't see my grandfather often anymore. When I do he is wheel-chair bound. He is not physically able to move himself, to feel himself, to even think himself anymore. That's the curse of Alzheimer's. And when I do get the opportunity to see him I wonder: "Which part of you am I saying goodbye to this time?" because each and every time I see him is the last time I will see some part of him. Some very small, but very integral part of him. And every time I see some very small, rolly-polly, neuron-go-rolling past part of him I wonder "Which one was that?" If there was a universal diagram where I could find that flittering, wasted, insignificant, never-to-be-found-again piece of mind... I'd find my polaroid camera, take a picture, put it in the family album so it could sit on a shelf and I could show it to someone very special one day who would ask me, "When was that?" and I would say, "I'm not too sure, but that was my granddad... and I miss him."

I've gone through all sorts of stages of grief with the situation; sometimes I'm able to calmly come to terms and other times it's more difficult. It's especially tough when I visit him because he is incapable of being himself and taking care of himself and connect with others and family and me and seeing that gives me a really visceral reaction that's hard to navigate and it tends to stick with me for days afterwards. The slow progression of Alzheimer's is just painful from all angles. It's like watching someone you love slowly walk away forever, getting smaller and smaller on the horizon, until the finally and ultimately disappear for good. It's difficult to deal with on a personal level, but I try to remind myself of all the opportunities for growth and understanding this has afforded me.