flashbacks

before I start writing, let me light my cigarette and have some sips of my hot coffee.
I sometimes go through plenty of flashbacks which made me hate my existence on this planet earth , the view I'm seeing at that exact moment stopped , people stopped walking , my cigarette discontinued burning , my talkative friend's mouth shut . I basically lived in another dimensional world , where all what I could only see is a memory from the profound of my brain that I barely thought I've forgotten about it; rush of feelings and badly rush of guilt . I felt too many feelings and thousands of thoughts at that one unbelievable moment.
But there was only one memory that stucks in the deepest part of my brain , the damn memory which made me smile in my toughest situations, when I got on my knee and put the ring in her finger with tears oozing out from her angel pretty eyes; yes I do want as my husband - she said, we hugged and walked next to the sea in that cold night of November . the stars were shining and the sea was so calm , we felt like the mother nature had us in her arms .
2 years later I had my first baby , she looked exactly like her mother , I was officially a dad with her little body in my arms I kissed her and laughed like a mindless man , I kissed her and I left the hospital...
As I was crossing the road thinking about my baby , I've seen a car headed to me , time stopped , the car crushed me...
5 Am , I woke up , I couldn't really move, I didn't know if it was a dream or a nightmare , I've fallen in tears until the sunrise , my favourite memory was only a dream and all those feelings I've felt were deplorably fake, as an output my brain was lying to me . I lost hope , I'm lost .
I was frustrated , spiritless and extremely broken , the woman I ever wanted had never existed , consequently i would never have her , I wished repeating that dream every night, unfortunately my brain had an opposite opinion.
I wouldn't rather leave the hospital , in order to spent the night safely and I'll end up waking up at least happy for once. It was really a tiny speck of a memory in a dream.
Maybe I'm not chosen to live reality , maybe I'm chosen to live in my dreams.
But there was a bright side , which is I was having some happy countable moments despite all the sorrow.
Life didn't give me enough , I can sum all that up in one word ; peace , life prohibited me from peace.
As a consequence, my dreams were an output to my life struggle.
...but the good part is that I'm having some happy moments their which I can't find them in my real deplorable life; that last didn't give me enough, which is why I keep seeking for the last -wished- thing a human being can seek for "Peace".
Life prohibited me from everything , even a good ending to my dream .. But we only dream about what we need the most..peaceful life ,that last is very complicated , it keeps changing so quick from a human to another .it's a synonym that has plenty of definitions , in fact , it depends on the corner we are looking to life from ,as the sad people say, life is a hole full of darkness and depression on the contrary happy ones say life is a beautiful romantic road that we should live it with passion and even a little danger that consumes us , as a consequence ,people relate the meaning of life to their daily struggle and their problems , that last drove us to become mindless which is why we got a mini heart attack when we heard it ,but don't you think that we misunderstanding this word ? ,if you wanted to make an adorable song using a piano , we will click on both white and black piano tiles to make a beautiful symphony, so is life and problems.. If you wanted to live , you would try both problems and life , this is reality,and that's why I thank my dead brain for making me live in my dreams , not my reality..
the good side is that I knew the main reason of all this struggle. she is the reason of my everyday self-loathing and torturing, I loved her so much but that was nothing to her , under those circumstances she hated me . my only fault was loving her so much , can you believe it?.
I don't know if I can love you-she said , as an output, she found her soulmate and left me feeling so guilty,Moreover, the pain was rushing in body which caused a new version of me , a heartless guy, I couldn't love anyone else , as a matter of a fact , I'm living hell .
those memories are killing me each day , I'm dying and today is the last day I'm gonna suffer in..
I'm having my last coffee swallow, and finished smoking my last cigarette as well, it's time to end my struggle, it's time to end my li...