I Turned A Page In My Life Book This Week
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1049thewolf.com
When I finished year 12 I started at university straight away. There wasn’t any real question about it. There was no gap year as is now popular or any time off to travel or party. My father was a professional engineer and I have always been technically minded so it just seemed like what I should do.
I started my double degree in Electronic Engineering and Information Technology in 1998. I can’t believe it now. That was pre-Y2K, pre-911 and the first mobile phones had just come out. They were handbags with a curly cable and a shoulder strap. I kid you not.
The degrees were hard. There were late nights and much more technical content than I’d ever been exposed to before. I’m a committed individual however, it’s one of my core characteristics or core values. Starting with a class size of around 500 if my memory serves, I graduated in the minimum required time of 5 years with about 24 other remaining students.
During my study, I’d held a paper run job starting at 5am every Saturday for years. I’d held another job at the racetrack working as a technician on the Tote and I’d applied for and got a job as a software developer for an entrepreneur which gave me some experience and some pocket money too. These jobs were held concurrently so I had a very busy and active time from the age of 17 to 23.
When graduating, I was offered my first full time job as a software developer at the company that I’d done work experience for when at university. I was grateful for the job but also felt deserving of it. I was proud of what I’d achieved and was looking forward to getting stuck into my career. That’s what you do, right? It was somewhat of a seamless transition from work experience pre-graduation to fulltime work post-graduation.
I moved out of home at this stage as I was now earning an income as a professional. To condense things a little, I followed a fairly successful career progression which saw me move through different companies in different industries, live and work in different states and travel internationally on work on a couple of occasions.
The longest time off I’ve ever had was something like 4-6 weeks when I chose to move states and took an extended driving trip to see some of the country. This was a planned period of unemployment and I secured my new position just before the GFC, surviving it unscathed.
There was a proverbial cancer growing however. Over the years, through exposure to various office politics, manipulative and threatening conduct and egregious personalities I somehow morphed from a confident young engineer to a sheepish, unassertive and timid individual who managed to make a refined skill out of avoiding making waves. Somehow I had compromised my standards of acceptable behaviour in order to protect my pay packet or guarantee a good reference.
I know now how horribly damaging this was psychologically. I began to feel anxiety which I suffered with for years. For those who don’t know this ailment, it’s debilitating. Imagine the feeling you get after sprinting to your limits. Your heart pounds in your chest as if it’s going to burst through. Your breathing tightens and a swollen lump moves up through your stomach like the feeling some get prior to public speaking. It feeds on itself too. Sometimes even having nothing to be anxious about is enough to cause anxiety because maybe something worth worrying about has been forgotten!
I would fear losing my job, I would cringe at the thought of saying something stupid so would suggest less and less, I’d play things safe and before I knew it, I was a shell of a man just existing in the circumstances that others defined. Somehow, I’d delegated responsibility for my own direction and allowed other to dictate how they treated me.
In the last year or so I’ve been working on this however and have made some progress in rebuilding my confidence and sense of self-worth.
Anyway, I had an experience this week with my current employer. It was minor in comparison with some of the experiences I’ve had but built upon them to the point that it flicked a switch in my head. I no longer would allow myself to be spoken to like that. After a weekend of soul searching with my wife, I resigned earlier this week.
So, it would seem, I’ve confronted the fears that have grown on me like plaque grows on uncleaned teeth. I am hence now officially unemployed and I have no real intention to resume my career. I feel powerful and vulnerable.
I’ve woken up early only to spend over 8 hours a day in fluoro lit boxes for about 15 years. Of late I’ve been leaving as the sun rises and getting home in the dwindling light. It was no life.
Recently I’ve been making decisions from my future deathbed. By that I mean, when I picture myself at the end of this crazy journey that is life, how will I judge myself? Will I regret the game played safe?
So today is the first day of a radical new life for me. I don’t as yet know how I will find an income to pay the bills. Maybe my Steemit work will be a component of that (so I’d appreciate all the support I can get from this wonderful community).
I do know however that I already feel more connected with life. I took the time today to enjoy just standing outside. So much pleasure can be had from the simple things in life and I’m sure that this is how I want to build my new existence.
I’m thinking of blogging about my new journey here and perhaps some of you have insight into changes in career or life direction that you can share. Thanks so much for reading.
Bravo @nolnocluap. The beginnings of a new journey...ah, always inspiring to hear. Thanks for including us. :)
It brings back such memories for me! A step of faith on a career change. Fear and excitement intermixed. Looking back - not one regret! You are not alone.
Thanks for the supportive reply @sminchow. It puts wind in my sails to hear that I'm inspiring in some way.
You know what I did this morning? I made dough with my wife and we cooked up some bread wafers to have for breakfast with some eggs.
I never would have taken the time or had the resources to show interest in that before this. The small things are where life happens.
Thanks again 😊
@nolnocluap I sure do know exactly what you're saying ..I was a long abusive relationship and came from a very broken home at that ..so I actually have a severe panic disorder. ..that affects my entire life ..I'm on a journey of healing. ..but I ad well for years was an empty shell..I stayed quiet to not make wave worse I quieted everyone around me as well ..I didnt take care of myself...I became a doormat to keep everybody else happy..tried to fix all there problems...the caretaker of all...so as yours relates to career. ..mine to life I know just what you saying all to well...thank you for sharing ..as I don't feel alone in this. ..upvoting and following. .Kayleigh :) :)
Thanks so much for the open comment Kayleigh. It's great to not feel alone in these difficulties. It sounds like you do have a journey of healing ahead of you but it also seems like you're on the right path. I'm thinking of starting meditating daily. I've never done it before but I've often wanted to try. I was reading on steemit today how effective it can be. I'm hoping this will strengthen my belief in myself and my ability to land on my feet. Best wishes to you. Id like to hear more ao following you too 😆
Yes many people have recommended meditation I was looking into as well :) and best wishes for you too...we can share and follow each others journeys. .thank you kindly :) :)
Sounds great. Thank you. 😊
:) :)
This extremely touching and inspiring to read! And it took great courage of you, @nolnocluap, to both face your fears and decide to take action AND to share this story with us on Steemit. I applaud your courage, my friend, and I feel so happy for you!
I assure you that it was the right decision. I had to face similar cicumstances a few times in the past and every time I had courage to break free from the undesirable, sub-optimal situation and take a plunge into the unknown. It paid off every time. I would not hesitate to do it again, because I know that I have the power to shape my own life, build my own happiness, and move towards my life goals. You have that power too!
Good luck on your journey and please keep us posted! STEEM ON!!!
@nolnocluap besides being a gifted writer, I can also see that you are also brave and inspiring. We have similar backgrounds and I also quit a job a number of years back, I can relate what you are going through.
I have meditated for a number of years and I would highly recommend it, it can provide clarity in uncertain times.
Here is one my favourite quotes from Carlos Castaneda's Don Juan:
What a lovely comment thank you kindly @contemplate. It's funny that you mentioned the writing because I've been thinking that's something that I rather enjoy and perhaps I could leverage that skill to facilitate an income in a number of areas. Certainly interested in any ideas that you might have there.
So given that you went through a similar thing, how long did it take you to feel like you were actually on another path? Perhaps this comes instantly to some and others perhaps years. Each to their own I suppose.
And speaking of paths, I love the quote you provided. How true it is. It is the journey that must have merit because the destination has little more than the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It's intangible and when you get there you're likely met by disappointment anyway.
Another thing I think we struggle with in the west is that we tend to define ourselves by our job. Letting go of that definition allows for a much broader sense of purpose.
By the way, I just finished my first attempt at meditation. I'd finished exercising the horses and they were peacefully eating so given that I was in a nice spot with a lovely view I closed my eyes and try to control my mind. It was a complete Trainwreck initially, but that was to be expected. The untrained mind is so active and busy and I think it's just going to be a matter of chipping away at it which is something I look forward to adopting daily. Thanks for your support. Appreciated!
Here's an idea, write about your experience now as you are growing from one phase/level to another. Despite all of our outer personalities, I believe we are more alike in our deeper selves and your story will be an interesting one to share. People like stories. It is hard work, I just finished a post myself but you are very good at it.
With work, I was angry at 'injustice', short sightedness at colleagues being laid off and I quit my job. A lesson for me was not to just include the type of work I did but whom I did it with, why I was doing it and how I conducted myself with it.
Identity and asking the question 'Who Am I?" is one of the most reflective questions - perhaps we just need to keep starting again and again with this question.
Meditation is a rewarding practice as we work on attention and being itself. Just give the monkey mind a 'banana' from time to time :)
It sounds like you not only turned the page, but also started a new chapter.
You'll be fine -- more than fine. Soon you will wonder why it took you so long to say yes to life.
Thanks for the kind supportive words @cali-girl. I think that's probably something I will end up wondering. I can only think that it takes a long time due to our enslavement and mental conditioning.