I Turned A Page In My Life Book This Week

I started my double degree in Electronic Engineering and Information Technology in 1998. I can’t believe it now. That was pre-Y2K, pre-911 and the first mobile phones had just come out. They were handbags with a curly cable and a shoulder strap. I kid you not.

The degrees were hard. There were late nights and much more technical content than I’d ever been exposed to before. I’m a committed individual however, it’s one of my core characteristics or core values. Starting with a class size of around 500 if my memory serves, I graduated in the minimum required time of 5 years with about 24 other remaining students.

During my study, I’d held a paper run job starting at 5am every Saturday for years. I’d held another job at the racetrack working as a technician on the Tote and I’d applied for and got a job as a software developer for an entrepreneur which gave me some experience and some pocket money too. These jobs were held concurrently so I had a very busy and active time from the age of 17 to 23.

When graduating, I was offered my first full time job as a software developer at the company that I’d done work experience for when at university. I was grateful for the job but also felt deserving of it. I was proud of what I’d achieved and was looking forward to getting stuck into my career. That’s what you do, right? It was somewhat of a seamless transition from work experience pre-graduation to fulltime work post-graduation.

I moved out of home at this stage as I was now earning an income as a professional. To condense things a little, I followed a fairly successful career progression which saw me move through different companies in different industries, live and work in different states and travel internationally on work on a couple of occasions.

The longest time off I’ve ever had was something like 4-6 weeks when I chose to move states and took an extended driving trip to see some of the country. This was a planned period of unemployment and I secured my new position just before the GFC, surviving it unscathed.

There was a proverbial cancer growing however. Over the years, through exposure to various office politics, manipulative and threatening conduct and egregious personalities I somehow morphed from a confident young engineer to a sheepish, unassertive and timid individual who managed to make a refined skill out of avoiding making waves. Somehow I had compromised my standards of acceptable behaviour in order to protect my pay packet or guarantee a good reference.

I know now how horribly damaging this was psychologically. I began to feel anxiety which I suffered with for years. For those who don’t know this ailment, it’s debilitating. Imagine the feeling you get after sprinting to your limits. Your heart pounds in your chest as if it’s going to burst through. Your breathing tightens and a swollen lump moves up through your stomach like the feeling some get prior to public speaking. It feeds on itself too. Sometimes even having nothing to be anxious about is enough to cause anxiety because maybe something worth worrying about has been forgotten!

I would fear losing my job, I would cringe at the thought of saying something stupid so would suggest less and less, I’d play things safe and before I knew it, I was a shell of a man just existing in the circumstances that others defined. Somehow, I’d delegated responsibility for my own direction and allowed other to dictate how they treated me.
In the last year or so I’ve been working on this however and have made some progress in rebuilding my confidence and sense of self-worth.

Anyway, I had an experience this week with my current employer. It was minor in comparison with some of the experiences I’ve had but built upon them to the point that it flicked a switch in my head. I no longer would allow myself to be spoken to like that. After a weekend of soul searching with my wife, I resigned earlier this week.

So, it would seem, I’ve confronted the fears that have grown on me like plaque grows on uncleaned teeth. I am hence now officially unemployed and I have no real intention to resume my career. I feel powerful and vulnerable.

I’ve woken up early only to spend over 8 hours a day in fluoro lit boxes for about 15 years. Of late I’ve been leaving as the sun rises and getting home in the dwindling light. It was no life.

Recently I’ve been making decisions from my future deathbed. By that I mean, when I picture myself at the end of this crazy journey that is life, how will I judge myself? Will I regret the game played safe?

So today is the first day of a radical new life for me. I don’t as yet know how I will find an income to pay the bills. Maybe my Steemit work will be a component of that (so I’d appreciate all the support I can get from this wonderful community).

I do know however that I already feel more connected with life. I took the time today to enjoy just standing outside. So much pleasure can be had from the simple things in life and I’m sure that this is how I want to build my new existence.

I’m thinking of blogging about my new journey here and perhaps some of you have insight into changes in career or life direction that you can share. Thanks so much for reading.