The End Of Innocence
That's me, on-call. No drinking for a month or at least till the birth!
Said the good lady excitedly, glancing up from her phone which had pinged mere moments earlier.
Eh?
My Danger Bells starting clanging and my back snarler tightened up involuntarily as if it scented rabbits.
What do you mean, on-call and perhaps more importantly... No drinking?
My voice had quite the quiver to it like one of Robin Hood's merry men.
The good lady put her phone down and cocked a hand onto her hip.
Daddy-bear, seriously? Don't you listen to a word I say? I have been talking about this for weeks now.
Ah the thing, I didn't realise you meant that thing you were going to do...
I said with utmost confidence. I nodded wisely at a picture on the wall.
You have obviously forgotten so I shall remind you. I am attending my first birth as a Doula. So I have to be on call for two weeks before the due date and two weeks after.
She gave me a prod with a bony doula-like finger.
Remember now?
I did remember, somehow I had filed it in my head under non-important shit. Hmm, I might have to change the classification now.
Wow, you look excited?
Of course I am, you big daftie. it is exciting. Now we have to talk about what preparations to make for the kids if I am away for more than a day.
I made a face as if my nipples had turned into small snuffling noses.
You don't have to worry about me. I will be fine and so will the kids. I am more worried about you.
In my head was a whirling memory of broken things and blood and screaming.
Me?
Said the good lady incredulously.
Why worry about me?
Well, lass. It's a birth. You will be seeing it from the other side. I cannot begin to describe the horror of it all.
The good lady looked quite indignant as if I had massaged her for two minutes instead of the agreed upon five.
It might have escaped your notice Daddy-bear but I have given birth to two kids. I think I am quite well versed in the area of birthing.
I swallowed heavily.
You don't know what it's like lass. You haven't seen it from the other end.
She placed a hand on my arm and looked at me like I was a fool.
It's ok, Daddy-bear, I know what a vagina looks like. I'm not frightened.
You say that now. But when the screeching bloody tentacled thing comes bursting out of the giant raggedy tarantula that used to be a vagina, well...
I shuddered violently.
And don't get me started on the placenta...
I made several boak'y type burps.
She shook her head.
I think you are over-egging it slightly.
I stepped close and gave her a big hug.
I wish I was lass. I wish I was.
I held her a bit longer. So she could enjoy this time she had before witnessing the ravaging despair that was to come...
It's one thing to be reading about it or practicing it in some Red Tent, it's another to actually face the Bloody Octopus when it enters the mortal plane of existence. On the plus side, it's insure you get a cap of two kids. The best contraceptive for women, I feel.
It's good to stop at two that's for sure!
I know you want to scare her off so that she need not go to the doula appointment and you can keep drinking your favorite beers every Saturday! Hahahahah!!!! Upvoted!
That would be kind of nice!! If it doesn't interfere with the beer I am happy!
Hahaha, the horror of it all. Damn, might just need a few drinks to get the courage to go down there for that!!
It would have to be more than a few!!
DEFINITELY never giving birth after the above description. :-P
The thought of giving birth has freaked me out since I was a kid.
And so it should, it's a fearsome blood soaked experience and that is just for the bystanders!!Never say never, it's the wonder of life and I am sure it would be a delight!
I'm pushing 40 and my husband got snipped, so I feel quite confident saying never. :-D
I am thinking of getting snipped!!
Just a quick note-at least here in the states-you are apparently awake during the procedure. My husband was alert enough to text me the minute by minute progress of the entire procedure. I wrote about it on here about a month or 2 ago.
I am sure i read that!
_It's ok, Daddy-bear, I know what a vagina looks like. I'm not frightened._so lovely to read this.
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I would like to say its a lovely thing but... but I can't! ;O)
Ah, the good old days, you drove up to the hospital door, helped the wife and bag out of the car, gave them to the nurse who said " you have done your thing, go away while we do our thing". " we will ring you when we want you".
Wait, sleep for a time, and a voice on the other end of the phone tells you how many of which sort, and visiting time is 2 pm this afternoon.
Who said modern is better???
That sounds like a fine way of doing things to me!
Worked well 4 times for me.
A Father was just a necessary evil. During visiting hours 6.30 to 8 pm, you were allowed to go to the nursery window, look through the window and pick one of a range of babies, the Nurse would pick up the one you pointed to and bring it closer to the window for the adoring Dad to see, count 10, then put the baby back in its crib.
No touch, no cuddle, just look and point. [and hope it was yours you were pointing at]
I have heard from one of the Nurses, some babies got shown 8 or 10 times in the same night, to different fathers each time.
Then a week, to 10 days later the Mother and Baby were returned to the Father to take home,
usually the first touch was to hold the Baby while Mum got into the front seat, then pass the Baby in to her.
They hadn't dreamed up Baby Seats/Safety Cribs then, just Mum's arms.
The good old days, [1960's]
I do indeed think those were the good old days. You had it lucky!! I have witnessed two more and still see the images when I close my eyes!
When my oldest girl was born I made the mistake of kissing m'lady's forehead and got put into a headlock Hulk Hogan would have been proud of... I missed the whole thing! When the younger was born I knew to keep my distance. The doc said: "You can get closer." I told him, "that's ok- you go ahead."
Yeah, stay well clear. Its like a bear pit!! And not in a good way!
As long as you don't have to stop drinking in sympathy, I'm sure you'll be fine.
I am half out in sympathy! :0)
Ok first of all I was totally confused with the '... until the birth'. I thought have I now missed the part of the good lady being pregnant? Is it no drinking for you or her? I think you need a drink for being with the kids alone and she needs one for being 'on the other side' - so I am not sure this NO DRINKING is a good idea...
It is totally not a good idea!! Hehe, she is attending another birth. I am dreading it. Have no fear though she won't be having a birth of her own again!
Hahaha yes if she has the need for another baby, just send her to attend another birth. Well hats off to her, she is following her dream and somebody has to be there when the baby comes.
She is following hey dream! I am very proud. I hope it's all she expects and more!
The things us guys have to do, and all for naught. We are so underappreciated!
We sure are, we should make a club for under-appreciated men!