The Chat
Psst. We need to talk.
I jumped. The good lady had popped into the kitchen and was staring at me with eyes like boiled eggs. The tone of her whisper spoke of dark things and menace.
What about?
I squeaked manfully. Now, I am not normally a squeaker. Instead my rich baritone is suited to booming and being heard but she had caught me on the hop and for some reason I got that clenchy caught farting in her favourite cup kind of fear.
The little lady ran into the kitchen.
Raar raaar, I am a dino-giraffe, you have to chase me!!
The tension was broken and we both smiled like there was no unspoken horror between us. The good lady went off and chased the little one. Roaring in an all too realistic way. As she left she shot me a baleful glance.
I shuddered. Fuck, what had I done?
Our paths didn't get to cross enough for us to talk in the rush to get the little lady to Nursery and me going to work. So I had the fine opportunity to dwell on the matter on the train journey to work.
Could it be that she had found out that I had peed in the back garden a couple of nights ago when out stargazing with my telescope? (Might I add that that is not a euphemism for anything.)
No, how would she possibly know about that? Besides if a bunch of foxes can maraud into my garden willy nilly when they please, shitting and pissing everywhere then I demand the right also.
Oh no, had she found out that there was a girl serving in the coffee shop being a bit jokey/friendly with me and instead of chasing her off with a stick, shouting jezebel or strumpet, my fragile male ego had laughed at her jokes and imagined all manner of penisery going on inside her?
But wait, I had literally only laughed at a few jokes? No, it couldn't be that.
The day passed. I was fairly busy but in any of my downtime moments I pondered the conundrum like I was wrestling a pig smeared in butter.
What could it be?
I arrived home. The good lady popped a head out of the kitchen and beckoned me with a stern crooked finger. I walked into the kitchen, relaxing my body and breathing slow just in case it got a bit tasty and it ended up going a little Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.
So, Daddy. Would it be ok if you started making bread again? I hate that shop bought stuff.
Errm, you want me to make bread?
Yes please, your bread is amazing!
I narrowed my eyes and sidled toward her ever so carefully.
You mean, this chat you wanted was all about asking me to... make bread?
Yes!
I thought it was something serious! I have been nervy all day!!
Why, have you done something??
She gave me that eye, the one that alligators give Texan men.
Of course not lass!
I gave her a big happy bakers smile.
She gave me that eye, the one that alligators give Texan men. :D
Hehe, I liked that one myself :0)
Catchy eye :D
Lol!
BWAHAHA!! Your good lady speaks for all of Steemit when she said she misses you masterbaking. Oh wait...
Man, those conversations that are forced to stew, they really have a way to keep you on the edge the entire time. What a relief that it was about bread instead of bed. Your gentleman wife can now rest easy. That scene where your good lady shot a baleful gaze, I couldn't help but imagine it when I read it haha! I think I even acted what your response would've been. Yes, whipping sounds and zoom-ins were involved.
Hahaha, that is exactly what my reponse was!
I thought for a moment she had found out about the gentleman wife I keep locked in the garage!
I had missed the master baking too. The feel of the dough as you pound it back and forth and finally when it rises and makes that glorious crust! Oh wait, I was talking about masturbating!
HAHA! They have said that yeast helps it rise and double in size doesn't it? Surprisingly, that applies for both the dough and the zipper ripper.
Steady on the yeast though!!
No sir, no sir. We go hard every time. And, we shall go hard even with the yeast! Let it rise, let everything rise!!
But if everything rose then how could we know that we rose? ;0)
We leave that to faith, my child. Faith makes and brakes ideals. Belief is the strongest thing we could have right now. After all, it's what's been carrying us even though heretics posit that our planet is a sphere. Bah! Nonesense! So, steady your faith, for it is all we need when questions about whether everything rose or not.
I shall remain of the faith. Have faith in that
I'm guessing the good lady wouldn't actually care that your male ego caused you to giggle at a woman's jokes or you wouldn't have wrote it in this post...hm, what have you done? Kidding!!! lol!
I love telescopes. I need to get a new one :)
My telescope is quite the rubbish little thing. I keep meaning to get a new one too. I turn into a total hippy when I look at the sky. Honest to god you should hear the twoddle that comes out of me.
And yeah, she is a good lady that doesn't go berserk if I laugh at a ladies jokes :0)
I would really love to hear that twoddle, hard to picture you as a hippie, haha! Maybe you should invite the doula to stargaze with you and you'd find some common ground!
That's funny. My husband got a cheap telescope when he was in his 20's. It's been sitting the closet for for 30 years and he hasn't taken it out in 20 but it absolutely has to stay. He can't do without it.
hahahah it is the most annoying feeling in the world. WTF did I doooo? and then when it turns out nothing, then she would hit you with "What did u really do?"
You can't make this stuff up :D
That was exactly me. All sorts of mad ideas going through my head and in the end nothing!!!
haha I wonder if she was messing with you! I might do this to my hubby, see how he reacts! xD It could be a new game for wives to play! Guess the Guilt...
I wonder too, that kind of trick is right up her Street. She is a cunning one, I think that is why we are well suited!
Despite penisery this was actually really sweet.
It was quite wasn't it, i think the penisery was the icing on the cake though ;0)
So my mother makes the deadliest bread in the land. Great taste, light, holds together nicely when toasted - top drawer.
So Bucky thought, "If I learn to make bread like me mom I can have all the bread I would ever way." GREAT IDEA!
So I asked Mom to show me how it was done. I studied hard and went about making a few pans. Once I was done and pleased with my results I did what as customary in my family and sent a loaf over to Dad and a couple other family members.
Later that evening Dad gave me a call on the phone. "Tried your bread, by." "What did you think?" I asked. "Nice colour and tasted best kind too. But I tell you the best thing about it." I waited. "If you ever have the change a tire on the truck you can use a loaf of it to block her up." ....... Arse!
On the topic of toasting, I thought you might like this instructional video the I prepared in the shed.....
Cheers,
Bucky
Lol, a harsh and devastating judgement!!! I shall watch this video as soon as I escape from putting various children to bed!!
You make home-made bread, too? I'm so impressed! ..."caught farting in her favourite cup kind of fear ..." LMAO!
I do!! In fact in my early steemit career all I posted about was food and my own recipes. I did loads of bread blogs because I made it every day... Ahhhhhh, simpler times! :0D
Oh man! That 'we've go to talk' that has men shivering in their boots. I said that to a male co-worker one day when I needed clarification on his project and the whole room went silent and other co-worker slunk out of the room in fear. The way everyone's eyes got huge before they stared over at him was both funny and scary.
It is a scary thing. Phrases like that are most often reserved for I'm breaking up with you. Or shit on the carpet again and you lose a finger :0)
Im sure she knows you so well, that is why she planned it this way LOL
She knows me ever so well you are right! Dash it all!
We all have our ways, our men think we do not know them, but we really do LOL
Haha, it keeps us on our toes!