The Bear

in life •  6 months ago

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Today the skies were clear again after the storms of yesterday. The good lady decided it would be a great idea to take the family down to a small Italian bistro/cafe nearby and have a leisurely breakfast sitting in the sun.

I looked up from my heavy-eyed location on the couch and nodded mutely in acceptance. My hangover was dry humping me like a sandpaper-cocked dog. I sighed mightily before agreeing and dragging myself up.

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We took the scenic route, through a small wood at the bottom of our street. It is quite a cool little place. It is the site of an old quarry and is quite wild with only one small dirt path through it. The little lady ran amok through the trees and undergrowth and despite me feeling as rough as a tramp's underpants I had a fun time chasing her.

We got to the cafe and sat in the sun with our coffees and strange Italian bread things.

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The little boom even helped by sleeping through it all.

After an unhurried hour or so we headed back home.

As we got to the start of the wood on the way home I felt a gurgle in my lower abdomen.

Oh oh.

I had a sudden intense need for a number two. It didn't seem like something I could put off for the twenty minutes it would take to walk home either.

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I informed the good lady, quite diplomatically of the situation.

Oh baws lass, I have to run on ahead. I need a poo and it's not for turning.

Aw, we were going to have a bit of fun in the wood. Are you sure you can't hold it in?

I gave her my very best Liam Neeson face.

Lass, I have got a turtle's head poking out. It's a code red. I have to go.

Ah, a turtle's head. You best get going.

I nodded grimly and set off at a brisk run.

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As I ran, the Wookie's thumb pressed against my back door more and more insistently until I was lurching along like an odd water-dwelling bird.

Finally, I reached our house and started fishing around in my pocket for the keys...

Oh Fuck!!

I didn't have the keys!?!?!

I swayed a bit on my feet. The exertion of holding in a Chocolate Rabbit by sheer clench power was making me break out in a pale and cold sweat.

What to do? What to do?

I thought about tapping up one of the neighbours and asking to use their toilet. I quickly decided against it. What if it was one of those wreckers that leaves a trail of destruction in its wake?

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I couldn't risk the shame.

Wait, what would Bear Grylls do?

Well, that was bloody obvious. He would go back to the woods and shit there.

I had no choice, I decided I would have to go Full Bear. I high tailed it back to the wood at the end of the street. I quickly entered the trees and made my way off the path. I found a good looking spot and ripped up a couple of dock leaves. Ha, I was a bloody natural at this.

After a quick look around to make sure the coast was clear, I wheeked my trousers and pants down before squatting and releasing the bomb doors.

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It didn't take long for the beast to uncoil out of me. I quickly used the dock leaves and pulled my trousers back up.

Phew.

Just as I did up the top button on my trousers I heard a voice.

Daddy, what are you doing?

I whipped my head around.

There standing watching me was the little lady.

Oh hello lass. I was going to leap out and frighten you as you came past!

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She approached me her eyes full of suspicion.

But you are nowhere near the path Daddy?

Hmm, this was tricky. My usually nimble mind was still hobbled by last nights beer. I contemplated fessing up. How do you tell your daughter you just shat in the woods though?

Eeeeek!!!

I snapped out of my thoughts. The little lady was pointing at the patch of wood where I had recently made my deposit.

Look Daddy, look! A poo and it's massive. What could have done that!?!!

I looked a little guiltily at my dark workings from moments before.

Goodness me lass, it is massive... Maybe it was a bear?

A bear!?!! Quick Daddy, let's get back to the path!!

She tugged urgently at my hand.

I said a silent thank you to the Gods of Shit and ran with her back to safety.

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You were about to get dirty lol XD you were too quick to clean yourself with those leaves! Btw did you notice that it was not an herb that causes allergies?

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Lol, thankfully it wasn't :0)

a turtle head....my children tell me that's called prairie doggin' ;0)
(hard to believe that me, a lady!, is typing this sh*t on the internet!!)

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Prairie doggin, oh that's great!! Hehe, check you!! :0)

You have given a whole new meaning to the response “Does a bear shit in the woods” when responding yes to a question. OMG. That poor little girl. Thank the stars that she didn’t walk up as you were pinching it off or wiping leaves up your hole. Quick honking on that one. Lol

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Ha. The mad paranoid bit it me thinks she might have witnessed the whole thing!!

Hahahaha classic!!! I hate those OMG moments when you realise that your best efforts to avoid a nasty situation are fruitless as you don't have the thing you need the most... A bloody key lol

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I was horrified. You should have seen my face add I got to the door, I was walking like a duck!!

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OOHHH I know that feeling..... My house lock is a bit dodgy to say the least and it always happens that if you really need to get in quick the bloody thing won't open... I've done the duck waddle myself lol

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I was just grateful it wasn't winter!

Well, @meesterboom, this is one of your stories that made me laugh more, as we would say around here in Venezuela: "Me caguè de la risa!" (something like:
I shit with laughter!) ... is there something true in this story? Did it really happen to you? ... and the phrase: "I have got a turtle's head poking out"


Here is the little head of the turtle! ... That phrase was masterly.

There is no one in the world who has not gone through this situation, so we understand and fully justify you; and seeing the positive side: you left food to the little animals of the forest and contributed with your fertilizer to strengthen the nutrients of the earth. Good job meesterboom!.

Greetings

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It had to be done! I realised that leaves are not the best thing for a wiping, such a learning day!!

Ufff! that if it was intense dear friend / @ meesterboom, is the worst thing that can happen to you, have physiogics of number 2 and do not have the comforts of home. As a young man I experienced doing my needs in the forest, even cleaning myself with broad leaves of nature or cleaning in lagoon waters. among us there is no greater satisfaction of doing your needs in the open air. a good way to end the weekend.
I wish you a good start to the week

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I would have been well happy for some lagoon waters today! Cheers @jlufer

I always thought bears wiped with rabbits. The reason is given here:

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Hahahaha!! Oh yes, although I prefer a soft kitten!

Bahahahhahaaaa ahh the timing, least she wasn't a few seconds earlier XD Could have told her you were nowhere near the path because you were worried about being spotted too early? And what was she doing so far from the path? XD

Also I was going to drop a Bear Grylls meme in here but apparently every other country as well as Australia considers it camping ;D

goatsig

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Lol, it turns out I wasnt so far away from the path as I thought. In fact I am lucky I wasnt seen but I do have the fear that I was!!

Hahaha, oh my lol. Good one Meester. It wasn't too long ago I had to shit in my backyard, for reasons... :D

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I was almost about to do that but it was too damn exposed!

Hahaha! You just made my day.I love them wreckers. Quick thinking to avert any suspicion.

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Lol, yeah. I couldn't do that to one of my neighbours, they are such gentle people!

Imagine that! A darn bear pooing in the woods! Good thing the little lady didn't spy the bear doing his business! That would have been awkward...
The famous duck waddle. Who among us hasn't had the dubious pleasure at one time or another?

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It's such an obvious thing when you see the duck waddle in action. I am amazed I made it back to the woods!

Hahahahaha!! I had never expected meesterboom to shit in the woods. Luckily, u shat on time just as your daughter came up to you or you would be disgraced forever. Upvoted!

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Is all about avoiding that forever shame, hehe!

HAHAHAHA blaming a bear that was cunning

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Hehe. It was desperation!

Omg! What a moment! I remember I had that kind of urgent needs years ago, I was like about 16 or 17 years old and I was in the city, and nahhh I didn’t arrive at the bathroom of my apartment in time!
And it was terrible!
Thanks you just laugh out loud! 😂

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Yes indeed, I am glad those moments are few and far between!!!

LOLOL!! Meesterbear shits in the woods! I love poop stories, and this is one of the best yet, your poor little lady's eyes have been scorched!

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Oopsy, I missed this one!! You cannae beat a good poop tale! :OD

bahaha, even your booze adled mind was working well it seems. Bears indeed. Bear Grylls maybe! nice story, :)

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Hehe, maybe I got the addledness or when I did the shit!

Oh my, hahaha! I think almost everyone (me included) has come up against this one ... good thing you think fast, lol. :D

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Lol. It was think of something or just poo myself!!

gives a whole new meaning to ..."does a bear shit in the woods"

upvoted and resteemed

"strange Italian bread things" you wrote?? Where is the respect!
You obviously had some strong coffee (do you also smoke cigs?) and that made the turtle head uncontrollable.
Great problem solver you are.

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I am quit the solver! I am handy in a situation. You name it I will solve it.

Yes, I love strange italiany bread things. Mmm mmm!!! ;O) I thought of you when I wrote that part, but you were dead, lost in the skies or so I thought..

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I don't want to play favorites, but this one is a turtle's head above your recent posts, BOOM Grylls! This really made my knees weak for quite some time haha! Such poetry, such magnificence! I have never seen such grace under extreme pressure! Truly an example to be followed by generations to come!

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Ah it was a fine moment, a fine moment indeed in my life!!

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One small shit for man and a giant heap for mankind!

wow nice writeup

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Incredifying!

I don't understand your story

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I shat in the woods because I couldn't get in my house. My daughter almost caught me.

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Bahahahahaha. Too much descriptive language in the original. That’s the quick and “dirty” version. Lol

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It's quite succinct!! Lol