Dino Kid
It was with a contented sigh that I flumped down on my seat on the train for the commute to Edinburgh this morning.
All seemed well with the world. The train was relatively quiet. I had a table seat and a nice strong coffee to help me while away the journey.
I closed my eyes and breathed in a big calm Zen thing of a breath. Aaahh... Life was good.
Awanna window seat!!
There was a huge crashing of plastic on the table I sat at.
Wtfunkz?!
I opened my eyes.
Wedging themselves into the two seats on the opposite side of the table were an old man and a very young sticky looking boy.
The plastic crashing noise came from the kid's plastic Dinosaur toy that he was walloping repeatedly onto the table between us as if he were a butcher and the table several pounds of buffalo flesh.
The old man greeted me with a cheery tip of his head.
Aye aye, Grandfather Slippytits and his annoying bastard nephew is in the house.
I thought as I nodded back with a strained smile. The kid was licking the window and making farting noises with his mouth against the glass.
Fuckity-baws, I had a bad feeling about this.
I moved my coffee cup further away from the kid's big plastic dinosaur monstrosity. Wee bastard better be careful. I thought kindly.
The kid was still licking the window, he must have been three or four years old. There were streams of flecky saliva running down it now.
I stifled a boak of a gag.
There was a jolt as the train pulled out of the station.
I got my laptop out and plugged in my headphones.
Previously, as a commute virgin, I had been playing with my phone or reading my Kindle on my journeys. Then the fabulous @jedau suggested watching a movie instead because I was complaining that I never had time.
Genius!
I decided to start withThe Force Awakens. Aaarr, that will get my nuts all salty!
I slouched down and angled the screen so that I wouldn't have to see the daft glass licking child across from me.
I had been watching for about ten minutes when something thudded into my laptop screen from behind.
I ignored it.
It happened again. Then again.
I paused the movie and sat up to see what was happening. The messy kid was banging his dinosaur about on the table and making raar noises. For whatever four-year-old reason he had, he seemed to have decided that this would involve thumping my laptop every two minutes.
I looked sternly at Grandfather Slippytits,, he looked all nervy and twitchy as if I had caught him surreptitiously drinking my piss.
Can you...?
I motioned at the wee noisy bastard being a wee bastard across from me.
He seemed to come to as if waking from a fever dream.
Oh! Oh no! Oliver. Oliver, please. Please Oliver, please stop hitting that man's laptop?
Oliver looked contemptuously at the old diddy and then looked at me. Very deliberately be thumped his dinosaur off my screen.
Then he smiled. A sneering smile of dominance and control.
Grandfather Slippytits flapped his hands in the air in an agitated impersonation of a man being attacked by a seagull.
Oliver! Stop! Stop it, Oliver, please!! Please, Oliver!
I glared at Oliver, he returned me a look that implied in his future he would pay women to spit on his nethers and insert strange fruits up his Nathan Barley.
Oh for fuck sake.
I sighed, closing my laptop lid and sticking it by my side.
Grandfather Slippytits attitude changed instantly from one of pleading apology to one of outrage.
Excuse me! Mind your language please!?
I looked at him, then the kid, then back at him.
I narrowed my eyes. Perhaps I should apologise? I didn't like it when adults swore around my children.
The better man would surely apologise. I opened my mouth to speak. Somewhere from the depths, my coal black heart burped...
Fuck off.
I smiled and plugged my headphones into my phone and ignored them for the rest of my journey.
Oh, kids...that was quite of a pain for You, today, they should make special schools for bringing up children...🤩😜I remember once we went on tennis playing & had fun. Our kid was running, sitting and so on. This was clay court, we went to. So, he was there here and in one moment, he set near the referee table between two playgrounds & He did big toilet...Oooh, kids😝😝😝Uglyyy...
Oh no, not the unexpected toilet!! Yeek!
He was an annoying little chap today and no mistake. Still, at least it was only an hour and I drowned out his noise with my music!
Ah, yes, you found the "way out"...
The last flight I took was a five hour from Central America to Canada. My lucky stars, my seat was upgraded to business class! I was looking forward to a bit more room and perhaps quiet. But alas, it was not to be. I had two monstrous kidlets sitting behind me with no parent in sight. A flight attendant said, "oh, they are flying solo today!" Wonderbar! In front, there was an enormous tipsy lady from not sure where but didn't speak any language I know (and I speak 4).
The kidlets bashed the back of my seat and hit me on the head with their toys continuously. The lady in front opened the overhead compartment a dozen times, dropping her overstuffed backpack on me, every time. Then we hit some turbulence while the meals were being passed out and I ended up with tomato juice being split all over me! Next time I want the very back seat econo class, next to the exit!
I am the mother of four sons, Granny to 7 and the children I take out always behave. No is a great word to use, but only if the kidlets know what it means. Perhaps next time carry a couple of Chinese Finger traps to amuse them?
Hehe, I feel the same way. My daughter always behaves but if she doesn't I soon pour a stop to what she is doing. This man was so pathetic. He was begging the kid to stop in a real spineless way!!
That sounds like the flight from hell. I would have been tempted to get a parachute and jump out lol!!
You did the right thing! Poor wanky grandpa traveling with a kid who's never been taught manners, how dare he wag his finger at your salty talk!!
I know, you think they were perfectly behaved. They are lucky I didn't throw them out the moving train lol!!
No parent around to slap in the face, that's a problem. It's not gramp's fault, and hitting children is just not on.
how many viruses will he have in his mouth after licking the glass?
when you shake your hands like this it's because:
Wow! that child is unbearable!
I'll tell you that, it's really annoying!
in my country they would say to him!
"Pero verga mocoso!!! hasta cuando? quedate quieto de una vez!"
and if he keeps doing the same thing hmm!
Coño e´ la madre nojoda vas a segir?
Honey, what's Slippytits?
Postscript: certain terms do not have the same meaning in English, what it means in my country.
ah! and I do not say those words, it's worth mentioning! :)
Hehe, Slippytits is like soapy wet breasts. Near me being rude :0)
Hehe, I like those sweary phrases you come up with!
That is the dialect of the Venezuelans ;)
Haha this story is so funny . So the kid was linking the screen haha. Did he think it wa ice cream. The kid is really troublesome. Thanks for sharing your funny experience with that naughty boy.
He was a wild thing! Lol
Lol Ya, some kids can be ignoring sometimes
Hahahahahaha I was expecting a great fall from someone. Lol
That would have been more preferable!
AHAHAHAHAH.
Brilliant.
I appreciate the fuck off attitude in general, even if we (adults) should behave as role models around kids.
By the way, some people like to drink piss.
I have heard of these people. Apparently it hold the secret to eternal life.?
lol, what a charming little boy!
My immediate response to that statement would be something like: "What language? English?"
Haha, they didn't deserve such politeness :0D
Yeah. Your response was way better. :)
I would like to direct my attention to the boy licking the window. What caused him to do that? I did not know much about the child behaviour but I believe he thought it was candy? Hmmm... It will take a lot of patience to put up with his behaviour but you acted beautifully. Upvoted!
He was just a mad thing. He was trying to make farting noises against the glass and there was slobber everywhere. It was gross!
OH Ho! Now I know who to blame for your comment slippage- @jedau! Getting me boom on the netflix train and off the steemit one, for shame! haha- jokes ;)
It's obviously slippytits fault. Fuck off indeed.
Hee!
Haha, you are right! It's also time I would have spent gadding about on steemit, great not though. I only have a few more days!!! :0)