I chewed a piece of toast and eyed up the good lady's bahookie as she bent over and slammed something meaty into the oven. I tried to focus on tonight's upcoming detectivity and not on slamming my own meat into something oven'y.
The good lady straightened up.
Oooh my back. Don't suppose you fancy giving it a little rub do you?
I whinnied and pranced about as if a rattlesnake had come into my stable.
Not likely lass. Unless of course. You mean with my penis?
She sighed in a world-weary way and looked upward.
For a minute it looked like she was saying something like give me strength. Ha! Obviously, she was uttering a silent prayer to the gods to give her the strength to refuse me.
I jumped in to save her any embarrassment at me having to decline her pawing at my bangstick.
I'm afraid it's a no-can-do on the penis rubbing lassie. I have to work on my latest case tonight.
She gave me the hard eye as if I was bathing a small dog gently in a bowl.
But it's your turn to do bedtimes with the kids?
She stated flatly.
I chuffled a small laugh.
That's a big four on the non-donson baby. I am gonna bust open a nest of vampires tonight. Now I need two things. That fucking hummus you made the other day and the stick I unblocked the toilet with.
She swore under her breath about something being a fucking cocksucker. I grabbed the toilet-unblocking-shit-stick and a tub of her hummus before hastening to reassure her as I headed for the door.
Don't worry my little turkey twizzler, I won't let any of those undead mofos get sucky sucky anywhere 'Old Veiny.'
With that, I let myself out and headed off to the house of Cal Davvers. It was time to expose the undead scum for the Vampire King he truly was.
I stepped up to the door of the Davvers residence. It was a grand old house set back from the street in a quiet, well-to-do area of town.
Quickly fingering the last of the good lady's hummus into my mouth, I discarded the tub in a bush and rung the bell.
The door yawned open like a wet mouth, the hall inside dark with only some dank red light showing the way.
I stepped in, gingerly patting the shit-stick which I had sharpened into a stake and stuck in my back pocket.
Hello? Anyone there?
Nothing. Only silence greeted me.
I proceeded in with care. I could hear some noise at the end of the hall. Strange muted howls and thumps echoed toward me as I advanced on what must be the inner sanctum.
As I reached the door at the end of the hall the front door creaked closed behind me.
I jumped slightly, my happy sacks retreating up, walnut-like into my body.
This was it. My course was set. I gritted my teeth and with a mighty heave, set my hand on the door before me and pushed.
Smoke billowed out of the door as it skreaked open.
I took a deep breath and leapt in.
A horrifying wolf-headed beast reared up out of the murk before me.
I barged the wolf-thing with my shoulder and whipped my shit-stick out. Ready to plunge it into its dark beating heart.
The thing bayed like a mad dog and grabbed my arm attempting to wrestle the stick from me.
We struggled back and forth. The noises around us, I identified now as a horrible music-like dirge.
The wolf-thing opened its mouth and howled gleefully. I recognised muffled words in its yowling.
Let it go... Let it go!!!
I grabbed the shit-stick tighter. No fucking chance Muttley.
As we wrestled, other creatures gathered round clawing at me. Fanged faces leering out of the dim light.
Let it go... LET IT GO!
I twisted the point of the shit-stick at the beasts chest and readied to plunge it down.
A cold fingered hand clasped my neck tightly.
LET IT GO!
I snarled and wrenched round to face the thing that had grabbed my neck.
It was Davvers, his face contorted in rage, long blood-stained fangs jutting from his gaping mouth.
LET IT GO!
He roared and thrust me forward into the room of monsters.
More hands grabbed at me and I sunk down.
Down into the dark...
It's this the end of our intrepid hero? Find out in the exciting conclusion next week!