Confluence #4

in life •  2 months ago


Budget Irregularities!

Cal Davvers screamed, froth bubbling at the corners of his oh so old mouth.

I need you to meet with this Project Manager and get her to sign this!

He slapped an elegantly clawed fist on the table, under it, a form daubed with red letters.

I winced slightly at the prevailing smell of foost in his darkened office and picked up the form. The top of it was emblazoned with the legend - N203B - Budgetary Non-Compliance.

I turned to leave.

Get her to sign it! And then... Then we will feast!...

Snarled Cal Davvers his face a rictus of rage.

Consider it done, Boss man.


I tipped my hat and escaped from his dark sanctum into the lighter dim of the outside office.

Outside was one of the Audit officers, Ceviche.

He nodded grimly at me.

You're not flying solo. I will come with you.

He stated.

I nodded as if we were sharing the same harmonica and he hadn't wiped his mouth.

So be it.

I uttered. I wondered. Was Ceviche there to audit me? No matter, he would learn that when it came to big boys tugging their penises, I could tug like a barber at a matted dreadlock.


And so I found myself with Ceviche, pacing to and fro in one of our small windowless meeting rooms. The Project Manager in question, Anne, sat before us clutching a slim manilla folder.

I slapped a piece of paper down on the table before Anne as if it were a freshly caught fish for her to stroke.

So Anne, can you explain that?

I asked with my finest cold sneer. I had practiced it in the mirror. It was the same sneer I gave to the lycra-clad cyclists who hauled their bikes onto my train in the morning.


I waggled my coffee cup like a silicone sex toy as I sneered, playing at bad cop. Although, I think Ceviche behind me, was itching to jump in and also play bad cop, which didn't bode well for Anne.

Anne's lip curled up as if to pull nails out of a plank as she flicked at the paper that had been slapped down.

It's a purchase order.

She sighed wearily, as if dealing with fools.

I shook my head.

Oh Anne, oh Anne. Yes, it is a purchase order. Signed by you... FOR 300K?!


Anne shifted in her seat as if a sea urchin was fubbling about her nethers.

Of course it is signed by me. That's my job as PM. And 300K isn't such a big sum in Software delivery.

Did you obtain departmental approval for it?

There was a pause so pregnant I felt the urge to call out for hot water and lots of it.

Well... Not explicitly.

Said Anne, a little uncertainty creeping into her manner.

As a PM I am tasked with getting my projects over the line and this was just a simple case of budget juggling.

Ceviche looked at me. Then he looked up at the heavens. Then he looked at me again and gave an almost imperceptible nod to continue. It looked like I was doing ok.

Juggling, Anne? What are we, a circus? Tell us more... How did you juggle the company's money?

I asked with a casual air.

Anne looked more uncomfortable.

It's quite simple, we had an over-spend in one phase and an under-spend in the other. I just transferred the budget between the two. It's all the same pot of money isn't it?


She looked at me, more than a hint of pleading in her voice.

Is it, Anne? Issss itttt?

I hissed like a snake in a pot of boiling soup.

Ceviche gave an approving nod.

Anne blinked then shook her head.

Look, why don't we pop out and discuss this over a coffee. It's all standard stuff and we delivered on time and actually under budget?

She smiled placatingly at us both.

Ceviche jerked as if someone had plucked at his pubis unkindly.

Coffee?! Coffee!? The Audit don't drink coffee!

He interrupted.

I burped guiltily and surreptitiously attempted to hide my coffee cup behind my back.


I was quite getting into the role of Auditor. It seemed like you just shouted at people for getting things done successfully.

You would think that people who delivered things successfully in IT were to be congratulated. But no, it seemed not.

After a little more berating, Anne signed the Non-Compliance form. We left her, closing the door with a click.

What happens now?

I asked him quietly, Anne's muffled sobs echoing from behind the door.

Now we take this back to Davvers!

Said Ceviche savagely.

Ah... And then we feast!


Ceviche gave me an odd look, as if his boss wasn't a centuries old vampire feasting on the blood of innocents.

Feast? What? No. Then she countersigns the report and presents an action plan to present for financial amendment.

And then we feast?

I suggested, somewhat hopefully. I needed to prove that we had an ancient Vampire in our midst and it looked like I was a ball-hair away from doing so.

No, man. What is wrong with you? Why this obsession with feasting?

I made a fallomphing farting noise with my lips.

That's what Davvers said, "And then we feast!" I mean, must I be blatant? Will you make me announce the ancient vampire elephant in the room?

Ceviche looked startled.

Vampire elephants? Are you feeling alright? There is no such thing as vampires.

And Elephants? I suppose they don't exist either?


Ceviche threw me a caustic eye.

Stop taking the piss.

We headed back to the fourth floor, form in hand.

I sat, alone now with Cal Davvers, Ceviche having been dismissed.

I hear you did a very good job. A very good job indeed. And here we have it. The evidence in hand...

Cal Davvers waved the Non-Compliance form triumphantly.

I sat in the half-light of his office. He didn't know it but I had a sharpened wooden spoon in my back bin, it made the act of sitting slightly uncomfortable but meant I was ready for any Vampire-Schmampire shenanigans.

And now we feast!

I half shouted.

Cal Davvers twitched slightly as if I had suggested a camel ride for two.

Not quite. Not quite...

He examined me closely with his ancient gaze.


I think you are ready. Perhaps you should come to mine for dinner tomorrow night. I have all manner of jazz I suspect you may be interested in...

I didn't answer immediately. I wasn't sure what I was being drawn into. Jazz? Did he mean jizzum? Did he intend to despoil my lovely buttocks? Was I to be subjected to a strenuous Internal Audit?

Or was there something darker, more sinister in mind?

This might just be the break in the case I was looking for. As long of course as it wasn't my case that was to be broken.

I nodded my acceptance.


Cal Davvers scrawled an address on a post-it note.

7 o'clock. Oh and lose the hat will you? It looks fucking ridiculous


I ground my teeth and slowly exhaled.

Or gazes locked for what seemed like a very long time. The air thrummed with tension.

I reached up and stroked the brim of my fedora like it was my favourite Labrador puppy and shook my head.

The hat stays.

He narrowed his eyes at that. I turned heel and left.

Not on your nelly, vamp-daddy. I thought as I paced away.

I had better sharpen my wooden spoon, it looked like it was going to see some action.

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OMG @meesterboom! What a great way to start my day. You are hilarious! It doesn't even really matter what you say, it's funny!


Hehe, it's my accent ;0D

And the fact that I'm nuts!


Hahaha--you have lots o things going for you @meesterboom. What a tool kit you have!


I do live a bit of flattery. You know me of is, I love to dabble!


Might as well dabble! You dabble very potently...we all get to reap the rewards!


I second that, haha!!


Good. That makes it true! lol

OMG a three spitter! ... every time I sip my drink you write something that takes me by surprise with your colorful distinctive

upvoted and resteemed


A three, hurrah!!! :0)

No one can solve a case like you, Boom! I am interested to see what you come up with next. But I will remember not to be drinking my coffee when I read it!


I have it all written out in my head, such splendid detectivity, coffee is a no-no! hehe!

I say spare Anne no mercy. If she is not guilty of much this time, I am sure she has been guilty of something before LOL


She has the look of the guilty!

buen dia aqui mi visita desde venezuela,saludos y estoy a la orden en mis post


Gracias! Y buen dia!

My boy was reading over my shoulder and this line when it came to big boys tugging their penises, I could tug like a barber at a matted dreadlock had him laughing so hard I thought I might have to clap him on the back. He wandered away now and I can still hear him giggling, haha!!


Hehe, I am proud of that one. For some reason it tickled my fancy too!!


Sometimes I think I am off my chump

hahaha! sir meesterboom! auditors suck. what a terrible job. but this was hilarious. thanks for the laughs!


They are the worst breed, lol!


yes sir meesterboom, but what a rich target they make and easy to make fun of which your did rather brilliantly! lol. great job. sounds like you've been around them.


I have been around them too much!!


ha! yes sir but what a wealth of comedy material they can provide!


I can see the comedy in anything but yes, they do that!

...I could tug like a barber at a matted dreadlock.

One of my favourite lines thus far.


Lol, I liked it. I sometimes fear that my brain will just stop producing nonsense but so far so good!

Taking the piss. Haven't heard that since I left the UK. I love the descriptions matted dreadlocks lol. Dinner should be fun if there is no jizzum.


If there's no jizzum and I aint dinner it will be great!! Hehe.

I do love some of our British terms!

Wow this post is so long, they could turn it into a movie, I wonder who would make a good narator? The narator would at least need to speak with a constant sarcastic undertone since the person in the story is kinda weird but funny (liam neeson maybe?).
I liked it it was kinda serious but so funny at the same time and that is a hard thing to do!
I did not reast the first three but I am going to next, I hope I didn't ruin it by reading in wrong order.


It is a bit long ain't it. I was like why man, why can't you chop it in half. There's no shame in it!! But then when I do a short post I feel better :0)

Hehe, and yeah, is a bit mad, who knows who could voice over that!


I could give it a shot. Most of what I say does come out sounding just a tad bit insane, after all. Though I really have no idea why that would be.

Hmm, maybe I'll make a recording, I might even send it to you later if it sounds half-way functional dysfunctional.


REcordings are awesome. It is the mark of a true madman genius to record themselves and submit it to others!


There is a fine line between madness and genius. I crossed it long ago.


Me too, oh yes indeed, me too

@meesterboom because auditors, audits, expenses and budgets never get well, every time you mention a budget auditor, it's as if you mention something bad about your mother.
Thank you very much for another excellent narrative
I wish you a beautiful night


Exactly @jlufer nothing good can come of them ;0)

Heheheheh, I love it @meesterboom! Every time I read you, it is impossible not to laugh.


Laughter is the best medicine they say!


If you are right, it does not hurt the heart a good laugh, especially in these times, it is good to have friends like you who make us forget a little what happens. 😘


Hehe, thank you!


Rather thanks to you !! for taking out a smile as always.
more now, in difficult times.
Dear have a nice day!

Hmm.... What an excellent acting by the Auditors who deserved an Oscar who still didn't want to admit that they are vampires. I am hoping that a dinner with Davvers will end well or BLOODY!!! Upvoted!


I'm hoping bloody bit who can tell which eat the wind will blow!!! ;0)

It all sounds so familiar, I had to re-read it to see the fun of it!

The bureaucracy sounds more expensive than the fraud-that-wasn't. Oh, the joys of corporate life! Can't you get a real job again?


I have become so far removed from my real job that I don't know what my real job is anymore. Sometimes I even find myself nodding and believing!?!


I blame lack of sleep. But then, it's easier to audit than it is to run a project or develop something when you are barely awake because of tiny humans not knowing what time it is, there is that.


I have found it to be the case. I take easy anytime!

I'm feeling sorry for Anne, and have no idea why... I don't even know Anne, come to think of it I don't know any Annes. Davvers sounds like a prick, and Ceviche sounds like he bends over for him when he wants, just make sure Davvers doesn't want to make you his replacement... just in case you may want to stock up on the Vaseline! :-)


One must prepare for all eventualities. Obviously not that kind of prepare though, lol!

Did he intend to despoil my lovely buttocks?

Lool guess even he does not want to get feasted on by the boss


It's a tough one! Congrats on your milestone! :0)

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Mmmmmmm ceviche mmmmmmm...

I really don't get why auditors get a bad rep ;) They're only there to make sure the ship runs smoothly ;) Good of you to be moving up the ladder, double-BRO-seven ;)

Gah I think I have something in my eye, I can't seem to stop winking.

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