I share with you, painfully, that today is the posthumous birthday of my  late elder sister, Anthonia Ekeleoseye Tobi (nee Aburime).  She left us on the 1st of March, 2010 (7 years ago).

Born on the 14th Of August, 1972

My late sister was born into the family of  Felix and Mary E. Aburime on the 14th of August 1972 in Western Nigeria.  If she were to be alive, she would have been 45 yrs old today. She was named Anthonia and given a native name in Esan language ''Ekeleoseye '', meaning beauty is in the heart''. Indeed she had a beautiful heart.  

Thirty Seven (37) Years of Life

Anthonia lived a short, but eventful life. Of the 4 daughters my parents had (I am the 3rd), I dare say that Anthonia was the most intelligent. She had a flair for the arts. As a child, she read novels from African Writers Series (1 to 100), which my father bought and kept in our family library. My sister was a good singer, who always sang in the choir. After her primary education, she wrote common entrance examination and passed to the prestigious Federal Government Girls' College, Akure  (Feggicolla), Ondo State, Nigeria. Anthonia spoke Yoruba language very fluently that you would think she is from Yoruba tribe. 

Fell in Love With Her Husband, An Abuser

Anthonia had hardly finished high school in 1990 when she met her husband, Emmanuel Tobi. She was just 18 yrs old  at that time. My parents, for very many reasons, didn't support their relationship at first. All they just wanted was for my sister to focus on her studies without being distracted and go to college/university to earn a degree. Anthonia showed interest in studying law. She wanted to be our family lawyer or attorney. My sister, fell pregnant in 1993 and gave birth to her first child (my parent's first grand child), in 1994. After the birth of her first child and second child, she went to college, with  family support and  finished as an accountant. Her in-laws were not satisfied with the first set of 3 daughters that she had. They taunted her to her face saying that their brother has not yet married a wife. Hmm...unfortunately, if you are a Nigerian woman, married without children, in-laws will torment you and if care is not taken ''throw you out '' of your matrimonial home. If you have female children only, then you haven't started. In-laws (especially mother-in-law and sisters-in-law) are usually the bane of  marriages in Nigeria, leading to the cause of breakup of those marriages. Anyway, in the 10th year of her marriage, in 2004, she gave birth to her first son and then her last son and child a few years later. 

There was no form of abuse my sister did not experience in her marriage of 16 years to her husband.  I recall that someone from the house, maybe my late sister herself, told me how  Emmanuel used to flog my late sister with his leather belt. However, two of the children said they never witnessed this and not comfortable with this part of the story. He would go out frolicking with other women, would not give my sister enough money to run the home, paid for an apartment for his mistress very close to where they were living in Asaba at that time etc. Let me state here for the records that Anthonia was not a full time house wife, who waited for her husband's money. No! She worked as a clerk (with her high school certificate) in Delta State University, Abraka and then Anwai campus (Accounts Department). What she earned (about 30,000 NGN/$85), however,  could not sustain her family. My humble advice to every woman (especially Nigerian women) is give birth only to the number of children you alone can afford to take care of. Secondly, understand that there is a place for alimony in the laws of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. My sister knew this aspect of the law, but acted very slowly to step aside from her marriage. I wish she did. 

Died on the 1st of March, 2010

Eye witness account (their neighbor) told us that my sister prepared the children for school that morning as she usually did, took them to school and then returned home to prepare for work. It was like a norm in the house that Anthonia will be the one to do all the chores, while Emmanuel lazed about. Anyway, she washed clothes (manually) that morning and hung them outside to air dry and then went into the house. It was then that her husband who did not sleep at home that night came into the house. Apparently, he slept in his mistress' house . None of us was there, but I presume that a fight ensued between herself and her husband . The next thing the neighbor saw was Emmanuel carrying the lifeless body of my sister and putting her in the car. He drove her to the Federal Medical Centre (FMC), Asaba and abandoned her body there. When it was time to bring the children back from school, he went to bring them back. My late sister's last daughter recalled that her dad got a call from the hospital that afternoon that my sister had passed on. Emmanuel called my mother, to tell her that her daughter was unconscious and in the hospital. My mother who was on her way back from Abuja where she went to see my eldest sister, who had delivered a child, was shattered by the distress call. My mum called me immediately. I will never forget . She called out to me Eeeeeeekpeeeeeen oooooo......(My native name is Ekpenmene. Ekpen for short). I said mama what is happening? She told me that Emmanuel had just called to tell her that my sister was lying unconscious in the hospital. Now, that was a lie. My sister had died. Finally, my mother got to FMC, Asaba and found my sweet sister cold in the mortuary. We were all in tears, heart broken . 

Her demise was and is still  devastating to my family, because we believe that her husband, Mr. Emmanuel Tobi, murdered her in cold blood. There is no evidence to prove our case. However, eyewitness report on the day she died, the report of her daughter and all the abuse that my late sister had been through in the hands of her abusive husband, point to the fact that he killed her.  

Very many Nigerian women live in abusive relationships. They have been socialized to ''endure'' and remain in an abusive marriage relationship, because the society frowns at divorce. I have learnt many lessons from my late sister's life including her relationship with her husband . It is important to NEVER JUDGE ANY WOMAN WHO DECIDES TO LEAVE AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE, because like my sweet elder sister, she may not live to tell her story. 

Federal Laws of Nigeria On Violence Against Persons

In 2015, Former President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan signed into law the violence against persons prohibition (VAPP) act. The VAPP 2015 bill seeks to eliminate violence in private and public life, prohibit all forms of violence against persons and to provide maximum protection and effective remedies for victims and punishment of offenders; and for related matters. 

Source: http://domesticviolence.com.ng/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/VAPP-Act-2015C.pdf

ACT NOW!

• Save your neighbor today from any form of violence
• Report all forms of violence to the nearest national human rights commission (NHRC) zonal office 
• You might just be saving a life from being cut short by doing so

Image source: original from an old photograph of my late sister

Edited...

Woman, will you remain in an abusive relationship, all because you must remain Mrs...? Feel free to share your thoughts. 

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Thanks for taking time to read!