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When you're feeling down, it might not easy to find motivation. You are not functioning at your fullest capacity and it is difficult to even get up from bed.So, finding motivation to continue is only an overwhelming task.
Writing this piece was difficult. This morning I was visited again by my long lost friend, depression. It told me to stop going outside.It told me to just snuggle inside my blanket-forever. It told me that everything is pointless and meaningless. " There's nothing you can fix, everything is broken, quit trying." It told me that I am talentless, a speck of dust crowding this earth, and ugly.
I wanted to scream but I was voiceless.
There was nothing coming out of my mouth even I wanted to. Then, I laid on the floor closing my eyes and imagining I was laying on a sandy white beach somewhere in my favorite place, Bali. It was beyond.
As soon as I opened my eyes, I decided to stop thinking and went outside. Pretty much like any other day in March, it was bleak. The sun decided to hide again.
Please, Bring back the summer!
Yet as soon as I am back to my flat, I was hit by reality. I am thinking again about my school. These days, I only do half assed effort on most of my assignment. At this point, I don't care as long as I can get back to code soon- something that motivates me to get up every-single-day. The other day, I wrote about Dropping out. It is basically about my thoughts on it and how my degree is threatened if I do not pass the 8th semester evaluation. In the end, I wrote,
I still think of dropping out sometimes and more often these days. But sanity prevails. At least I will complete something. At this point, after graduation next year, I don't mind working any type of jobs but I promise to myself, I will only give it 2 years.
Having to be visited by long lost friend, was another shitty thing that makes my days even shittier. However, I finally prevent it for further damaging me by practicing these things :
- Play up beat song and put it on speaker, Loud
Yes. This is something I always do. I am blessed to have house-mates who never complain of my loud, ear blasting music. I also sing along to make myself feel better.
- Start Small with your task
Do you want to make yourself feeling better? clean your room. Combined with blasting loud music, cleaning room is something fun to do. Just take out the trash, or arrange the books. Do something simple.
- It's okay to take a day off from work or school
Do whatever you feel like doing. Paint, draw, whatever that gets you back into the groove. I love writing and sharing my feelings. This helps me forget yet remember my struggles.
- Instead reverting back to drinking, smoking or other vices- Meditate
You don't know how tempted I am to light up my cigarette and pour some vodka over my cup. I have been sober for a while now and living clean. So, I try to distract my mind by meditating. Here's how to do it : Lay flat on your back, imagine the happiest moment in your life. Stay still. Remember there will be times like that again. Life is not always going to be alright but like the weather, it will pass.
- Seek help if you want
If you can't cope with it any further, tell it out to someone you trust. Sometimes, I tell my problems to random strangers knowing I won't meet them anymore. I have easier time telling it to strangers than family or close friends because I hate being vulnerable.
- It is OK to be vulnerable
We all have ongoing battles inside our mind. I barely admit I have problems because I am too self-aware, everyone has problem too. I am aware that the only person that can help me is myself. But sometimes, if it gets too much, I let it all out to get off my chest.
- It is OK if you feel talentless
Think that we're still learning. Everyone is learning something at some point in their life. Be persistent and finally there will be a day you won't be talentless. It's okay to not know how to properly write a story, it's okay to not know how to do simple stuff. Focus on what you know and be better at it.
first they ignore you,then they laugh at you,then they fight you, then you win. - Mahatma Gandhi.
Those things help me to put a smile on my face again. Setting my environment in order, and listen up beat song helps me a lot. I hope that will help you too. If you need someone to talk you can reach me via discord wódka#0736 or my email email@example.com.