Expectations Breed Frustration, Expectancy Brings Joy
After 12 years of marriage and 9 years of a successful business partnership, I feel I've discovered a key to human relationships. It's probably a common denominator in every argument you've ever had.
Unmet Expectations
Think back to the last handful of arguments you've had, and you'll probably notice one (or both) of the following:
You had expectations which you didn't properly communicate, so they went unmet.
You did communicate your expectations clearly, and they still weren't met.
The first one is all on you. If you want something, say so. Don't expect people to read your mind and then blame them for doing a poor job at it.
The second one is more nuanced. What if your expectations are unreasonable? What if they can't be met by the person you put them on? Good relationships require vulnerability, trust, and compromise. Meeting in the middle between what you want and what's possible can lead to intimacy and understanding. On the other hand, if your expectations are well communicated, able to be met, and still fall flat... That's where things get tricky. That's when people feel the most hurt. "Why didn't you do this for me when you clearly could have? Don't you value my needs and desires?"
Whenever our perception of reality isn't inline with actual reality, especially involving relationships, we set ourselves up for frustration. Maybe the person you're with doesn't really care about your needs as much as you thought they did? Maybe the expectations you have of those around you are too high and actually quite selfish?
Getting inline with reality will eliminate so many frustrations which come from your own uncommunicated or unmet expectations.
Should we hope for nothing?
Is there an alternative to expectations?
Maybe we should focus instead on expectancy.
*ex·pect·an·cy*
ikˈspektənsē
noun
the state of thinking or hoping that something, especially something pleasant, will happen or be the case.
Notice the subtle difference:
*ex·pec·ta·tion*
ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/
noun
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
Expectancy is about hope. It's about treating everything as a gift.
Realistic optimism attracts success because it encourages taking calculated risks again and again. Over the long run, those risks turn into success as we fight our natural tendency to fall under loss aversion:
In economics and decision theory, loss aversion refers to people's tendency to prefer avoiding losses to acquiring equivalent gains: it is worse to lose one's jacket than to find one. Some studies have suggested that losses are twice as powerful, psychologically, as gains.
Source: Wikipedia
An attitude of expectancy also gives us the joy of having our needs and desires met. Human imagination is a powerful thing. Anyone with a significant other knows how freaking fantastic and mind-blowingly amazing it is to have your desires met by the one you love (yes, I'm talking about great sex).
One of the keys to a successful life with meaningful relationships is expectancy, not expectations. If you do have expectations, be sure to communicate them and keep them reasonable. Expectations on others or yourself need to align with reality.
The next time you have an argument or feel really frustrated, figure out the answers to these questions:
- What were the expectations here?
- Were they well communicated?
- Why weren't they met?
In the future, focus on expectancy over expectations and see what difference it makes in your relationships and your life.
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thats so awesome!
Thank you! I hope it helps you.
Thanks for writing this up. Yes, I think you are right, expectancy can be really healthy way of thinking, not only relationships but in everything else as well.
You're welcome! Indeed, it's a great way to improve our outlook on life.
Good stuff @lukestokes. The book - The Four Agreements caters to this a bit.
They are:
Be Impeccable With Your Word.
Don't Take Anything Personally.
Don't Make Assumptions.
Always Do Your Best.
Although the "don't take anything personally" can be a real struggle ;-)
That sounds like a great book! Thanks for the recommendation. And yes, not taking things personally truly is a challenge for most of us. As much as we like to pretend it's not all about us... it's usually all about us.
The most important question!
So many arguments could be avoided right there.
It's a nice way of putting it. Sometimes your perceptions of an event are altered by the way you mentally verbalise them.
Our perceptions are incredibly powerful in that regard. A tragedy can be a wonderful gift, depending on our perspective.
Very true. You often here how opportunity can come from crisis.