Notes from a Camgirl: One Month In
A friend of mine asked me to write about what it was like being a camgirl at the beginning. It's amazing how much things changed from the first month to now.
He is making a music video, and this is to be the emotional content of it.
• Begin: sitting looking at myself and the way my nipples show through my shirt
• After 40 hours of sitting looking at myself, I still don’t know my best angle, but I’m close
• My arm fell asleep because I was lying on my side leaning on it for 2 straight hours, just to look as hot as possible and fit my exposed body in the shot from so close (I have to be seeing the screen and what/if people are typing)
• My arm sleeping is actually like it being awake; when else do we have conscious thought of our arm?
• I have the thought of feeling sleazy without feeling sleazy
• I feel uncomfortable lying. Yes I might come to see you, I said. We just have to get to know each other better. I want to be transparent but I can’t here.
• I am so fucking sexy, they tell me, they want to marry me just from looking at my face. I know they are delusional. That doesn’t stop me from feeling sexy as fuck in my lacy black undies.
• Old man smoking weed stroking his dick and staring at me
• Veiny long and thick black dicks, not what I expected, and then I check myself for expecting
• The words on the screen over and over: tell me my dick is small, tell me I’m pathetic
• Can I call you Katie? I’m never attached to my name, so I bit my lower lip and smiled and said, Hi, I’m Katie.
• Why are you here? I thought money, but I said excitement, I said I liked the idea of men looking at me. I realized that was also true.
• Men looking at me feels like the world is a mirror which reflects oxytocin into my brain so that I’m floating and invincible. I am a bubble blown from a bright bottle of soap and the sun shining turns my edges green and blue and pink and orange until I pop and become a part of the sky. It’s true. It displaces any weight. It puts it in another area, a chest in a dark dusty basement. I can feel that part too.
• I look into my own eyes. Don’t look so happy, I say to myself, disfiguring my smile and letting my lips lie neutrally. Look sexy. I made my lips more pouty and my eyes more curious.
• Most of the time I am just looking at myself
• If no one comes into my room for awhile, I start to feel like the chest in the dark corner of the basement and also a spider crawling over it.
• I lie on my back climbing my feet up a red wall, thinking about people with foot fetishes looking at my feet and wanting to pay me for it.
• I drink white wine off the camera, because it’s not allowed to drink
• I flash a bright blue vibrator across the screen and see a sequence of heart emojis pop up in the chatroom
I wonder what the video is going to look like. I wonder at what moment my soul started to feel dark about this stuff, instead of the lightness I felt at the beginning. Maybe it's just that there is so much sadness in the whole thing, a lack of connection that is mistaken for connection. The fact that I couldn't just leave it as a job, that it started to impact my life in a sickening way.
xoxo,
Jess
It is most interesting post I've read, except your introduction post. You are from some strange and unknown world. Your writing is just great! Thank you for sticking around!
quality name for steemit, pal.
Really? Thank you. I am a writer first, so having the ability to talk about my experiences in a way that connects with others is important to me. xo
I also love that you had the courage to share a few pictures of yourself here because I feel sharing on Steemit makes our bodies more into art and less into sex objects! I think I will have the courage to share mine one day the more posts like this you made and others are making like my friend @wunderwoff
my max upvote how you take your coffee? sugar and cream , or black?
black, but I only drink coffee sparingly. Caffeine affects me like speed.
I wish you wrote more, you are really talented. This is really fascinating stuff. People are so stuck in their own realities that they don't realize what is really going on in other people's minds. This is really apparent when you watch customers at a store or a restaurant but you seem to see the worst of it. You could write a book.
Don't judge yourself. It should be easier to get by in this world but instead we all catch this "never enough" illness when we are growing up and so collectively it becomes harder for all of us, harder to find happiness and harder to make a living because he emptiness inside makes us compete fiercely.
Write more! I promise it'll bring much positivity into your experience if you are really passionate! I want to make it big here so I can upvote people like you :-)
Hi, wow, thank you so much! I have just been so busy trying to make money--not camming the last 6 weeks, but writing and editing, so any more time in front of a screen felt awful! I just got back from a trip to Puerto Rico though (thanks to some airline benefits paying my way--I'm so lucky!), and I posted about that. I have a bunch more posts coming too, now that I'm feeling fresh and not hunched over a screen all the time!
Also, seriously, I really appreciate your kind words about my writing <3
Beautiful art!
wow!
wow what?
@jessandthesea
Don't worry dear he is just another who would be doing "many things" based on just looking at your photo :) Ignorance is blessing. Please continue your life story and emotions, i'm faithful follower.
Cheers
Digital Lucifer
maybe he is. I guess I was just hoping there was another wow there.
Wow - That's a pretty epic experience.
yeh yeh.
This post actually made me aware of my prejudices. I read cam-girl and rolled my eyes. My experience with cam-girls has been the annoying emails and the random messages over messenger. I am Married, yet they won't listen. I clicked anyway out of curiousity.
I found myself reading most of your work after this post, you are quite literally, brilliant. I've never read anything like this before, and the insights into the life--wow.
FYI I wanted to kill Pablo.
You took me on quite the rollercoaster-journey of your life; I found myself having greater empathy for the work that you do, and a larger hatred for the system that feeds us into these situations.
I'm an avid follower now. Keep up the good work!
That's really awesome. Yeah, I know there are people out there who are kind of bothersome in the camming world, but if you look at it from their perspective, whatever reason they are trying to make the money, I guess it could make it a little easier? I have never bothered anyone with those kinds of messages, because I'm not really a great camgirl I guess. I'm hopefully out of the business, at least for now. Pablo really left an ugly mark.
Yeah, you put it a good way. I guess it's like anything in telemarketing - only trying to make ends meet!
That is a very emotional post. You showed amazing vulnerability in allowing the public a glimpse into your world. Sitting here reading I felt aroused, frightened, curious, empowered and alone all at once.
You must have an amazing soul.
That is a ridiculously amazing compliment, @timeshiftarts <3 Thank you so much for saying it, and for listening to my stories. I wonder what my soul looks like, if there could be a picture of it...
@jessandthesea - Look yourself to the mirror, soul is not much different... Playful, honest, soft and eager for stronghold... You are just a human, and your work can't change your soul. Only you can do. Seems you are doing fine with so many great and bad years of experience behind.
Cheer up and continue writing.
Lucifer
Has anyone ever recognized you. That has always been one of those things ive wondered. With the world being so large its highly unlikely but then again 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon right?!
Yes...but only this one guy from Tinder.
I am stunned, words do you no justice.
This is pretty effin cool. I've had some experience in that field and not as the one spending so this was pretty cool to read. Thanks for sharing. Following for coolness :)
xoxoxo