Time to cut the crap. Get real and get with the programme.
Are you presenting the best version of yourself and putting your best foot forward?
Or are you deceiving yourself and everyone with your shiny shit?
These are the questions I recently put to myself.
I still don't have the answers to them.
I don't know. Maybe I am skilled at utilising radical acceptance and reframing, to be positive and to keep striving for improvement.
I have years of psych training, which gives me many bs words to describe my bs.
Or am I in fact inhibiting myself and my ability to be honest about real stuff by perpetuating delusions that everything is OK.
I have shared facts here.
I am sick. I have fairly recently become sick and although doctors see a chronic illness, I am far from OK with that idea.
I have kids and a husband.
They see the other side of the coin. It isn't shiny.
Social media has a way of presenting part of a story.
unintentionally
I left out the moody, bad mouthed bitch part.
Not because I thought it would be unpopular, I have never been motivated by these things that's a truth.
Another truth sits a lot closer to the bone.
Under my arrogance and strings of words, is a little girl looking for approval.
Biggest truth ever - Daddy approval.
I am aware of how pathetic that sounds, but that is the more reason it needs saying.
It sounds tragic and it is the hardest truth to share at the significant milestone of 40.
Let's shelve that issue for another time.
Over the last 18 months I have messaged a handful of people here, and have dropped my guard, revealing a more gritty side of who I am.
Thank you to these lovely people.
They have been the recipients of a Steeming dump from me at some point. Some more frequently than others.
Each one and so many others have helped me through this year.
@clayboyn
@novaatebatman
@hopehuggs
@papa-pepper
@robyneggs
@merej99
@sunnylife
@surpassinggoogle
@andrew.daines
@azizbd
@richq11
@everlove
@opheliafu
@cryptopie
@canadian-coconut
@dandalion
@steemitph
@lovibi
@dreamiely
and the hardest acknowledgement @lauralemons.
I didn't know her really. But I messaged her from time to time and she was always so kind to me.
This is the last message I wrote to her.
Hi, just hi. I wanted to let you know that my little one (not so little anymore) loves your stuff. Art combined with real life is so helpful to...Your honest posts are a huge help... x
❤
One person I follow knew her well.
@kaylinart has maintained her memory with beautiful honest appreciation of her close friend.
@kaylinart blows my mind with her combination of art, wisdom and empathy. She bundles them all into constant motivational posts. I recommend you follow her.
I had no idea who I was at 24.
Stay awesome @kaylinart.
art by @lauralemons.
I'm so glad @clayboyn resteemed your work @kaylinart .
Clay, you have been... A pillar of strength and a soft place to fall.
Also an amazing consistant Steemian. You don't always remember how much value you have.
You are teeming with talent.
But sharing those questions around who, what, why, here has been of benefit to so many. Pondering with the philosopher has been a treasure to me.
You have helped me through many a hump day.
@clayboyn thank you.
This post was prompted by this woman.
@hopehuggs.
I delivered her a pile of real on her birthday no less. She is always there for so many people.
@hopehuggs you are my inspiration to peel back some layers of bullshit.
She isn't scared of keeping it real, or if she is she does it anyway, which is bloody courageous.
She has just launched some amazing initiatives and is collaborating with others in some cool ideas.
Today's post regarding a discord channel for a crew of politically incorrect steemians definitely spoke to me.
Rule 1. Improve yourself daily or fuck off.
Rule 2. Don't be a fake aka be authentic - Wearing masks is forbidden here.
For a paranoid moment I thought perhaps I was the inspiration. Following my recent message to Hopey an intervention regarding my mask wearing is a feasible conclusion isn't it?
Then this song popped into my head
You're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you. 😂
Peeling back the shiny masks might require a step programme, but I'm going to do it.
The facts I have shared are true. There are multiple layers of truth under every narrative.
The closest I came to truths about emotions is buried in artistic doodlings and rhyming verse.
So step one, is to return to these things.
Utilise a creative outlet to safely access the stuff that is shrouded and masked.
It is time to gaze into the mirror and hold that gaze long enough to actually see.
I would like to pay tribute to individual steemians over the coming weeks.
Name in lights style acknowledgement.
So many amazing people.
I can't sign off here without acknowledging papa-pepper
He has been a big contributor here.
For everyone and for me personally.
When he received a package from me recently he retold our connection.
What stayed with me most was these words-
These things can crush a family.
I was unravelled by that line.
I post from the heart and sometimes that means things glow a lot more shiny in a post than they are in reality.
My reality is not a neat and tidy life of love and joy and gratitude.
But Papa is a papa. He knows how it is. Holding together the little bunch of peppers with momma P.
He saw in between my lines.
Thank you papa-pepper . Your words have impacted me very profoundly.
It got me thinking.
A recent post of mine for instance.
I attracted attention when I shared my husband finally having a hernia repair operation. Something that he put off because of the chaos of my illness.
I received beautiful comments about our love.
For which we are very grateful.
It was shiny a shiny post.
In great contrast to our tired, guilt driven quarrels. It didn't include the conflicts, and both of our emotional meltdowns were omitted.
I didn't tell you I sobbed and screamed. That he wore my frustration after my planned infusion that was meant to make me more functional before his operation fell through.
I didn't write, I am posting this with a heavy feeling of guilt as I again feel I have failed my husband and my children.
Should I have? Would it be a more real truth?
I wrote a completely honest post. But I think I can do better. I think I could benefit from risking the vulnerability of sharing my failures.
I also believe that I have to become more OK with not being OK. With being very much not OK.
I am not resigning from trying to be positive. I will always try to reframe and start over.
I am committing to bringing a more complete and real me.
I have many masks.
I am going to start to pick at the threads.
To stand very still before the mirror and look that unmasked girl right in the eyes.
I'll let you know how that goes.
I am completing this post after attending rehab / physio / hydrotherapy.
I cried at the lovely physiotherapist.
I said, I don't know how to try harder.
She said,
Maybe it's not about trying harder, maybe trying differently is a better approach. Smarter not harder.
Several images here I have used from pixabay. This one is me, and was taken by @azurejasper for my first ever steemit post.
I love you Azure BLUE EYES, Jasper THE NAME I USED TO REFER TO OUR FIRST BORN IN UTERO. That is the truest thing I know. We have been each others best and worst supports at times. I am proud of you and our children.
We have been through shit. It happens.
Hi there sweetie, that post send shivers through me (in a good way I think), I bet it helped getting all that out your system. Here for you always xx
It may not all be rainbows and butterflies, but I think you got a good group of people here that do care and support you. Laura actually used to be one of the only people that commented on my posts and I think she found me right before you did. So many awesome people on steemit. :)
I feel very lucky. Rereading this post I can see it is pretty disjointed, incoherent and a little hard to follow. So it represents my mind set pretty well at the moment. My instinct is to edit it and wipe out big chunks. But that would kinda go against the grain. I will leave it, as uncomfortable as it feels.
I was talking to rich when I was writing it, I had him in my head much of the time. I thought I wrote specifically about him, but I lost a paragraph in the mayhem that is my brain.
richq11
I love your work.
Laura supported my wearable art and upcycling dreams.
I am so sad to hear about your illness but I guess you don't want people sympathies and thats awesome. I mean you are an inspiration to so many others... Your post really shook me from inside!
I'm sorry if I upset you, I did a follow up post today to try to clarify my out of the blue post.
It was a bit much to absorb, I hope I didn't leave you too rattled. https://steemit.com/gratefulvibes/@girlbeforemirror/why-transparency-is-important-to-me
No no its ok
Best wishes to you dear! I have my own "story" and it left me sort of unable to do the shiny thing... I just have no filters left. If it is in my mind or on my heart it is out my mouth and people do not like THAT much truth. That said, the people that find a way to get over my rather abrasive exterior find they have made one of the most honest and loving friends of their life. I make mistakes, I leave stuff out of a story sometimes due to time constraints or to protect the innocent, I am given bad info that I pass on, but I do not deliberately lie. Whatever it is, I spit it out. I suspect if I had been "shinier" as a new user here it would have made it all easier, but I yam what I yam... A sweet tater inside but with a rather icky skin... lol!