My Recent Decline of Activity on Steemit- A Reluctant Letter

in life •  10 months ago


Dear Beautiful Friends,


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For the past few weeks I have been a bit sporadic in terms of community engagement. I've told people that the reason for this was the holidays due to out of state family along with getting our winter business going, making for a hectic schedule. These things are true, but they aren't all of it. In fact they're a bit secondary, just adding to the larger reason.

I haven't wanted to talk about this, especially not so publicly for two reasons. The first is that I don't know enough yet and the second is that...talking about it, especially writing about it, will force me to focus on it. And especially considering the first reason, I'm not quite ready for that.

But I find myself worried that people here I care very much for might be feeling neglected, which is what prompted my decision to tell you what I do know, which is that my father has been diagnosed with stage three cancer- They've found spots on his lymph nodes and bone. They have yet to do a full work up, which is happening this coming Friday, and will determine exactly what kind of cancer, if there's more than one kind, if it has reached any vital organs; and they have basically told us that there's a great potential he is already in stage four, they just won't know until he's undergone this testing.

A handful of you know that my dad has had health problems for a number of years, that he no longer walks, and that we've had multiple scares involving emergency trips to the hospital. In light of this it might seem that I would have been prepared for the current news. I feel as if I should have been.

I realize this post is coming off fairly matter of fact and a bit impersonal. Right now it's the only way I can put it across because if I start to write about my feelings there's a high likelihood of my falling apart, which just seems pointless before knowing anything concrete. Especially since there is a chance, however slight, that it could be a non-aggressive type with a potential of remission.

Also I completely understand if this information makes people feel uncomfortable and they choose not to comment. If you find yourself struggling with what to say, please don't feel obligated to say anything. I truly only wanted to explain the greater reason for my sparse activity here.

I probably should have just waited until I did know more, actually I'm not entirely sure I should post this. Shit.

To sum it up, I've been spending more time than usual at my parents house, though so far we aren't doing a lot of the sad stuff, all of us seem to be in limbo with too little information, yet just enough if that makes sense. And all of this trying not to let my mind wander through the possibilities, probabilities, and eventualities is super draining, but I feel as if there is no other way to handle it right now. But that drain is making it incredibly difficult to spend a lot of time on here talking to people, in fact I've only been doing it when I've been able to push it completely out of my head for a bit.

@son-of-satire asked me in a comment yesterday "How the fuck have you been?" I told him "I've been fucking good." That's the first time since we've known each other that I've lied to him- well sort of lied, I was good at the moment I wrote it, and any moment I've spent not thinking about it, which is any moment I've been on here recently.

I believe that once we do have the information it will free me in a big way. I will be able to cry and hurt and start the process of acceptance. I'll be able to write a post that is from the heart instead of the head, find some release for this pressure.

And I'd like to ask that until this happens everyone not ask me how I'm doing, because I don't have a clue. Just know if I'm on here talking to you, then just as I told Scott, at that moment I am fucking good. And bear with me.

Thanks everyone, I truly hope I didn't bum you out, and I promise that soon I will...well likely bum you out thoroughly for a moment, lol, but I know me, and I know that I'll find a way to get back to the sunny side.



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Generously created for me by @son-of-satire

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So sorry to hear this tragic news. Stay strong and hoping that there is more positive news on your father's health in the future.

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It's amazing how much seeing your handsome face in my comment section lifts my spirits ;)
Teasing aside, thank you, truly, it means a lot.

I realize this post is coming off fairly matter of fact and a bit impersonal.

No it's not at all. I'm in tears reading this my sweetheart, so it's anything but impersonal.

We know damn good how strong these bonds between fathers and daughters can be and how much they mean to us. They're our rocks, our role models, our best advisors and our sparring partners. They provide these extra wide shoulders where one can perfectly lean on, being this the probably warmest and safest place on Earth.

They should be immortal because they'd deserve that for having protected us during their whole lives.

I am with you, no matter how far your home might geographically be away from mine. Please take one big hug and then another one, take them all.

I'm here for you whenever you need me. Also text me on FB if you want to talk in private. I'm there! Always.

Love you much :-*

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Sorry, I really had a hard time replying to this one, because I can feel your empathy, I know how close you are to your dad.
I will definitely take all of your hugs and I love you too.

Oh wow! What a truly shocking read! I'm gonna get this bit out of the way right now and say "I'm sorry to hear this horrible news", but I'm sure that's probably the last thing you want to hear. It's too generic. What I really want is for this BS to get the hell out of your life, allow you to get back to normality again and your father to be fine.

Please know this though. We, who have been touched by your friendship on this platform and love the great person that you are, "are" there for you. Use us for that, to the fullest extext if need be. Your true friends ain't going anywhere and will give you all the support you need. Whatever it is. Life deals us these harsh cards sometimes but it's the actions we take right after, that will provide some semblance of a solution.

I'm here for you any damn time, I promise you that (as I'm sure all your other steemian friends are too). Please be strong... Wait for the updates to your father's condition and proceed from there. I know that's easier said than done, but separating out the main problem into sizeable chunks will help making future matters easier to deal with...

Bless, my lovely @dreemit... Without a doubt, we will speak soon.

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I will tell you straight out, I am pretty well drunk right now. It's been quite some time that I've broken my rules and passed the point of a good buzz, let alone typing to someone on social media in this state which is a huge no no for me, but, I couldn't leave your response unanswered for a whole day, since you were one of the people I was thinking of as I wrote this post.
God, you are a beautiful human being. I am proud. Proud that I have such good taste in people, that I seem to find the best of the human race whether it's in the physical world or the digital one. I know one day we will meet in they physical, and I will hug you with all of the love I feel for you my darling, gorgeous friend.

I am very sorry to hear it. My Mom's husband is in a life and death battle with Cancer as well. It is a nasty, horrible disease. Sending thoughts and best wishes.

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Thank you, and I'm sorry to hear it. Hugs and love to you and your family.

I have no words that may express what I want to tell you. First of all, I sincerely hope that it is a non-aggresive one and remission is in the horizon.
Thank you for writing this, mostly because of you than because of us, writing about this maybe makes it real or something to deal with, but on the other hand it allows us to be there for you, as you said once a few months ago, it may be online but I consider you a true friend and I want you to know I´m here for you for whatever you may need.
I don´t want this comment to be too long, I just wanted you to know you have your steemit family here, if you want to talk, I went through a similar situation 5 years ago... I´m sure the sunny side and the feeling fucking good is inside you and it will come in time.

Hugs and kisses :* :*

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Ah Eric, you are such a beautiful man, I felt your heart from the first moment we spoke. I know you would be here for me. I did mostly just want to let people know where I was at, and I'll update. But I truly do believe once it's not up in the air I'll be able to start wrapping my head around it, and I'll talk more about him and my mom.. yeah.
I am sorry to hear you went through it. But I can see that you are like me, most often the cup is half full :)
One day those hugs will be in the flesh and not the cyber world, a big squeezy bear hug ;)

Aw lass, I knew that something had dampened your fire a little. I am sorry to hear of this. I hope the news turns out to be as positive as it can be. My god lady had a similar thing with her dad but I will talk to you about that off line as it were

My thoughts are with you and your family my friend and I hope that everything turns out OK in the end but regardless of what diagnosis your father receives, he couldn't be in better hands than those of the family that he himself created, especially you @dreemit. You are a credit to the man. If there is anything at all we can do for you or your dad, all you have to do is ask.

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I think...I need to come to Scotland :) Though that's not on the table quite yet, at some point it definitely will be. Your country has always called to me, and now three of my favorite people in the world are there. It gives me something to look forward to.

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I just saw your chat, LOVE, I'm writing you there now if you see this :)

Sorry to hear this news. It is never easy to learn that a loved one is in danger of losing their life. I lost my mother to cancer when I was a young boy and it hurt terribly! Spend as much time with your Dad as you can and always remember the happy times!
Thanks for sharing.

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Oh, losing your mom young, that has to be terrible, I'm so sorry.
Good advice, thank you for your sweet comment.

I'm with you, I send you love and energetic embrace.

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I'll take that embrace, thank you :)

I’m sorry about your father and I understand, I’ve been there and it’s tough. Youa and your family are in my prayers. Nothing can be said to ease the pain so I’ll keep this simple (hugs)

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Hugs are the best :) Thanks darling.

every sons are completely alone without parents. no children can't progress in life without blessing of parents.so sorry dear.Parents don't stay whole life with us. Make yourself strong. I hope you will be able to handle yourself from this situation.May God help you.

I love you dreemit.

We will pray and all your wishes in this regard will come true.

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I'm sorry I didn't respond to this right away, but I literally burst in tears when I read that first line. Some people wrote whole paragraphs that didn't even have that effect on me. I love you too Terry, wholeheartedly, you are one of the most beautiful people I know.

I think you are making the right choice in spending time with him instead of on here. Your family ought to be together right now, as it is such support that will increase the likelihood of your father defeating this.

Many people are surprised by news like this, but often it is too late and they don't even get a chance to say goodbye. You should attempt to find gratitude that in your case the warning came early enough that you can not only spend more time together as a family, but have a shot at beating at too. If you can try and see that as fortunate, then perhaps your time around him right now will be full of joy rather than worry, and this too will help his condition and give his body the strength it needs to fight back.

I know how deeply you love, and so I can empathize with you are are feeling right now. I never agreed with you on your philosophy, but I am willing to give it a try in these circumstances. My best wishes are with you and your family, and my intent is on your father's recovery.

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So you know how you told me last night it was the first time you were high in awhile? Well, right now is the first time I've been smashed in awhile, and I am, but good. Actually it's been long enough that I forgot how much fucking fun it can be.

This song. Haha, there was a time that it was really important to me-

And this song, is still important to me:

I should not be on steemit at this moment, I have rules about social media, but, I figured, if I was going to break them, then you would be a safe bet. Hey, check me out, I can still form coherent sentences with good grammar and everything, haha!!

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If you do show up on here today, I left you something in chat that seemed important. lol.

Sorry to hear. I know that you are probably in a kind of limbo at the moment, keeping your emotions in check, controlled on the outside but in a slightly surreal world on the inside.
I went through that with my Dad. A couple of days could pass, but I wouldn't really notice...all the while trying to maintain a facade of normality and a modicum of order. I barely fooled anyone other than myself.
Just be true to yourself, cry with bloody anger, rage, but hold on until you know the full story. Whatever happens though, know that we are immortal (still can't figure why we got thrown into such shit bodies).
Hey, and great dads never disappear, we live their dreams, and they live in ours.

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YES to all of this, especially the 'why we got thrown in such shitty bodies' hahaha. I believe we're immortal, though have no idea what 'beyond' is all about, don't really subscribe to any particular religion. I just know that our spirits are far bigger than these meat suits, I know I've lived many lives that are just out of the reach of my memory.
Thank you! I'll be by to visit your page soon!

Oh shoot... I'm so sorry to hear this. I was out all day yesterday, so it's a shame that I didn't get to read this when it was posted. Li's mom had lung cancer so the disease hits home pretty hard for me. Unlike other diseases, it's something unpredictable and could hit the best of us at any time. I feel so terrible that it's something that your father has to go through. Fingers crossed that it's still treatable and everything is just one big challenge he would hurdle over.

Man, that disease... I know how it not only affects the person, but everyone around him. You shouldn't apologize for taking time away to handle life ever. Life always takes precedence above all things. Take as much time you need away from the screen. Everyone will be waiting for you when you get back. You and your family will be in my thoughts, sis. I want to wish you to stay strong, but I know you're one of the strongest people I know.

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I got totally blitzed yesterday after making the light the world post. I know escaping with alcohol is not recommended, but once in awhile it's nice. They say 'all of your problems will still be there in the morning', agreed, but then why not vacation from them once in awhile? lol.
I couldn't put my finger on why this time it's so much worse, since he's been on death's door more than once, but I finally understand- because in the past I could sense the fight in him giving me confidence he would pull through, and that isn't there this time. I think he's tired from all of his battles over the past several years. Also in the past I never really thought about what it will be like with him gone. For my mom especially, but it keeps creeping into my head. I keep shutting it down, waiting for, well tomorrow is his full work up though I don't know if we find anything out the same day.
As for what you wrote in chat, there are a few natural remedies that I've come across, probably the best one is cannabis oil, but my dad doesn't believe in those things, he relies entirely on commercial medicine so there's no chance of convincing him. I'm the complete opposite, I would be all 'eastern' or alternative medicine in this situation. fuck radiation and chemo, hoping to poison the cancer to death before poisoning the person to death, most people end up dying from that instead of the disease.
So sorry for Li's loss. If anyone would have kids that cure cancer it would be the two of you.

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You're free to handle it however you want to, sis. It's a hard time to be at, and whatever helps to cope with it, I'm sure no one would fault you for it. It's especially tough when the afflicted is past the point of fighting while the people around him are still pushing for it. I can't imagine what all of you are going through right now.

Yeah, chemo pretty much seals someone's fate. I wanted to suggest cannabis oil, but I don't know how legal it is there. Just let me know what we could do to help.

Not much more can be said that hasn't already been put forth by all your wonderful friends on Steemit. Just know we are all with you in spirit and at your side, and always about to talk to if needed.

I think it's great you put your thoughts out here into words. Heart and mind are truly inseparable at the core of it, and it can only help in your journey, especially in such a supportive world such as this one.

Spend much time with family, it is the most important thing we have in the world, and all the positive energy will kick the crap out of this damn stuff. Give your Dad a hug for me, even if he says, "who"?...and then a big one for yourself as well. Take care and try to stay positive, as someone on here said, about all we can do in this big life is one day at a time.
We're here in the wings if and when you need us. Thinking of you and your family.

Hey @dreemit, you know what?

FUCK CANCER

Make every moment with your dad count. Talk to him or just be in the same room and feel each others' presence.
Be open and receptive enough to listen to his fears because if you're scared you'd better believe he's at least double that. But he probably won't share that because he's your dad and dads kiss boo-boos and make the scary things go away, right?

So FUCK CANCER, the scary things, and the bogey man too. Enjoy his company and this holiday season. And I hope and pray there are many more to come.

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Hell yes. Fuck cancer right up it's fucking arse! I'm fortunate to live only five minutes from my parents, so I see them pretty much every day.
I just wrote a post with an update, but basically the biopsy etc. was cancelled because he ended up in the hospital the night before with pneumonia, his left lung nearly collapsed from the fluid, plus he had sepsis. For fuck sake he does not seem to catch a break. Yet he still retains his sense of humor. He got home Monday night, was super tired yesterday and today. I took my mom to lunch this afternoon, hoping that he'll be feeling better tomorrow.
By the way, I also put up a post announcing the next book I'm putting through steemit, can't remember if you saw, but it's a stand alone novel that I published...but because I wasn't really happy with the formatting I'm holding off putting it on Amazon. Still cool to have the physical copy in my hands, and I am happy with how the cover my husband designed came out. But I'm telling you this because I'm going to start posting chapters of it here very soon, by the weekend. It's extremely smutty haha, you should definitely read the overview post I made about it (Unproven) explains what the deal is :)

And now I'm going to head to your page, see if you're posting again. There is an up and a down side to using steemvoter, upside is that I won't miss voting on someone, downside is that I tend to forget to check pages when someone isn't consistent. Did you ever say why you stopped posting consistently? I've missed your fucking awesome self!

sometime its good to relax and take a deep breath life is strange sometime

I have no words that may express what I want to tell you. My thoughts are with you and your family my friend and I hope that everything turns out OK in the end but regardless of what diagnosis your father receives.

So sorry to hear that. I've messaged you in Discord. x