Can Entrepreneurial Life Be Darker?

Thankfully, I'm earning a bit more these days to make it through the next couple of months without exerting that much effort. The only tiring part would be if I have a whole itinerary to work on for the week because I do everything myself. For starters, if you want everything done right, you have to do it yourself. So I do. And I have no complaints, I am more driven by passion than profit these days. It keeps me sane.

I can't imagine when the next low season comes. By then, I wouldn't be probably making that much sales as it is right now. I hope that Steem would be up again and I would be back to writing. I would be back to my routine and domesticity. That's the thing right, you don't know yet if you're going to be a huge success. You don't know if you're going to make 5-6 figures consistently to be able to focus on other needs.

I guess I worry too much about the future. There's this intense pressure and debilitating anxiety to keep up and compete. There seems to be no amount of positivity mantra that's going to make me feel better. It shouldn't be this way, should it? Behind that much-celebrated entrepreneurial life, it feels like most of us who started something are harboring demons. It's hard to admit. It's hard to show your vulnerabilities when you're supposed to be the master of the universe. But what if suddenly, you're not?

Recently, I met someone who introduced me to some of the most influential people in town. Most are successful people who own large patches of land and have more than one business. A world, of course, dominated by men. It's hard to get into this circle and I felt like I've become an insider who was given access to a world inaccessible. I had to fake that I'm not struggling financially and internally. If I'm still part of the living-wage earners, I would not have been welcomed into their parties. Deep down I know, there's a hidden agenda - always. Do I need them? Do they need me? What do they want from me? I learned about their own little preoccupations, not that type that we worry about down here. Like you know, how much money x would give y for those hectares of land as if talking about buying candies from the supermarket. Most of these people got some x amount or inherited something from their parents to be able to afford to succeed or fail repeatedly in their businesses.

As for me, I'm thankful enough that friends and strangers helped me slowly build my dreams. I think there's really no such thing as self-made. We need help at some point. We all do. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel oppressed or threatened at all by these powerful men. In fact, I feel more empowered, tempered by tough times. I just don't know how far I'm willing to go.

4 AM is a lonely place, racing thoughts, and strange feelings consume me. I remember when I was alone in the mountains, I didn't feel alone at all, but when I'm stuck in the crowd, people make me feel alone. I feel more disconnected than ever. This is the dark side.

I know there are people out there who struggle with stress, anxiety, and pressure. Those who also created their own paths. I am aware that not everyone can make it out of the darkness. It's something we don't talk about. You're lucky enough if you have a deep human connection (friends and family) in your life and not just business associates. And what if you don't? Which way do you go after being up? And what if you both like and dislike human connection. What if things will never be enough? How do you cope? You'll go mad. I guess, just try to embrace everything along the way, even the feelings of darkness. There's no way out of it so why not just make friends with the demons? Who knows, they can be nice too.