What it's like to live depression.(at least for me)(WARNING: cuss words)

in life •  last year

Now before I say anything and if anyone wants to be preachy: there is a difference between living with depression, and just being depressed. For everyone it's a little different but I am gonna kinda say what it's like for me, and a little bit about how I cope with it.. and before I get into it, I just wanna say if any of you on here are suffering I want you to know I am here for you , shoot me a reply here , get ahold of me on discord if you have it, whatever. I have been there and I know how crippling life can feel from time to time, and there have been many times I wished so fucking hard I had someone who would actually empathize with me, instead of trying to give me shitty advice about running and nature and telling me to get over myself. So please. I'm here. you've got a safe place to talk with me always<3

Depression is weird...

Some days I feel okay enough to be a part of society and smile and laugh, and kind of put on my shell so to speak. Those are the easy days. but there are days, that are just so fucking mind numbing and full of melancholy that I almost can't stand it. It's almost like living under water , how when you try to run underwater all of that mass in the way makes you feel weighed down and slow and as hard as you try you can't go faster, you just get more and more tired. It's kinda like that.

Even on the hard days if I have to go in public the mask comes on and nobody's the wiser. I smile, say hello, do things you'd see any other person do living their lives, but inside there's what almost feels like in a metaphor like my insides are made of black goo, or something like that, mentally that's how I feel. It's easy to hide how you're really feeling especially if you've been doing it a long time. There was a time I didn't hide it, when I would openly cry or beg or just pray someone realized how wrong I felt all the time, my mom took me to a shrink, multiple, actually . Didn't help. That's when I kinda realized nobody really cared. No matter how much you asked for it or show that you need help most people won't give you the time of day unless you have something for them. Learned that in some of the hardest ways , though sometimes it's the only way we will learn. So I hide away in my mind and just go on auto pilot... Now I realize that's not healthy , although I still do a good bit of hiding on those bad days , I will share my feelings with those I love. I call my mom . A lot. Usually crying. But she's always there for me even when nobody else is, she has always been the one who knew when something was wrong with me, call it mother's intuition. She was the only one who tried to get me help when she knew her baby was in pain . I truly commend her for that. She's much stronger than me.

Today was a bad day, It's kinda just been a bad weekend. Nothing bad actually happened to make it feel bad at all. it actually had a few lovely moments. It's just how I felt. I've had no motivation , I've been constantly tired no matter how much or how little sleep i've gotten, I haven't wanted to go anywhere or do anything, sometimes it just feels like I am chasing after a big nothingness, but not really meaning to. Its the days I can't get out of bed or brush my hair or even look at my phone or computer .

The worst days are the ones I try to find comfort in the things and people/animals I love.


Depression is hard, but what helps a lot is knowing I'm not alone. even when I feel that way. I have people who love and care, though they don't understand , they try and it's so fucking admirable seriously , I am not easy to deal with sometimes on the day to day

When my mind gets the depression fog, I forget things so easily, I get frustrated, sometimes angry at nothing. and I have to admit I have taken it out on those close to me, but with a lot of patience and love things get easier.

I also have anxiety , which I didn't really want to touch base on too much maybe make a separate post about but in some ways my anxiety and depression hold hands , and work together in trying to destroy my psyche. Like how I get frustrated and angry, or  why I am constantly worried about failure, death, what others may or may not think of me(though as I've gotten older I have given a lot less fucks about that).. Anyway , I digress.

So , you think how do I cope with such overwhelming feelings at times?

Well, I used to do it in very unhealthy ways. sometimes I still do. I used to have a big problem with food. I used it as a crutch all the time. though I do kinda get into those times where I waver and go back I have tried to control these things.

Sometimes , I just cry it out. It can be such a release its almost like popping a huge ass pimple that's been putting on so much pain and pressure and even though it REALLY fucking hurts in the moment of popping , once it's over you feel so much better and less gross. Whoever thinks crying is for pussies is a fucking idiot. Its good for you to let it out sometimes and project , because if you don't you could end up having full fledged panic attacks . They are not fun. Never be afraid of your emotions they are fucking REAL and need to be addressed as such.

Meditation, It helps to throw away all your thoughts for at least five damn minutes and bask in nothingness, no worries , no fears , no anger. Just Peace. It may be hard at first , but there are plenty of resources on the internet to help you . 

Find something you really like to do . Put your feelings into that , whether it's crochet, singing, drawing, gaming, writing, anything! once you make these feelings tangible you will feel like you have more control over them. when your mind is busy it doesn't have time to worry about this or that , or focus on how terrible you feel you will be focused on the task and it will be fun because you enjoy it !

Surround yourself with people who actually love you. Toxic people are just going to fuel your downward spiral. If you don't have the right people around you , you will just get stuck and stressed and feel worse , and worse. It's not healthy. Cut the toxic people of, like they are a fucking zombie bite. It may hurt like hell but in the end, it will be worth it , and you will find the people who love you and who genuinely care or may even empathize with you because you are in the same boat.

Now this is a touchy subject , but if you have a medicine you take and it actually helps you feel better ,as long as it is taken responsibly, I see nothing wrong with it. If it helps, it helps, and don't let anyone stop you. personally I couldn't find any medicine that really made me feel better. Maybe marijuana , but where I'm at its not legitimate to treat things like that yet. but I self medicate with weed, coffee, and cigarettes. I know not healthy, but I am not here to be lectured I am just here to tell it like it is...

Any way, that's my spiel , and I'm stickin' to it.like I said if anybody here whether I know you or not needs to talk I'm here. Life is hard, with depression it feels harder , but everyone in this world is a fighter , none of us would have made it this far if we weren't . I wish you all peace and love <3


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Not to be cliché, but the struggle is real. For most of my life, I'm 34, I've dealt with what I like to refer to as existential depression, since I don't think it relies too heavily on a chemical imbalance within me. To me, as my life has gone on & on, no matter how hard I dance upon the razor's edge that lies between experience & hoping to die, it all seems pointless. I have spent most of my effort on distractions. I have tried to fill this pit with lust, "love," power, & pretty much any other addiction you can think of, all of which soon become a bore. Take note of my use of 'bore,' as it has two meanings, since anything I fill this hole with never lasts or retains my interest, which only seems to bring about the hole's expansion.

On a possible happy note, after dealing with a two week stint where I "couldn't" get out of bed, I think I might have figured something out. I'm going to copy & paste something I wrote to my best friend, as I was trying to explain what it's like to have an IQ over 150. Ugh, I hate that this world has forced me to feel awkward & even bad for stating that, even though it's merely a fact, which, sadly, has led me to starving my intellect for years, hoping to be a bit more normal, which I also hate, haha. Anyway, on with the copying & yadda, yadda, yadda:

"This is why I have spent most of my life padding my interior with the numbing haze of distractions & drugs. The worst of it is how I have to oversimplify everything, so I know I'm rarely understood, so much so, that it feels like I'm some monstrous incarnation of this lie I've been forced to become. All the while, the real me has been eaten up, just like all those words I can never say. I tell people that I don't feel emotions all that much, when in truth, my emotions are these vast, debilitating beasts, ready to shred every aspect of my psyche. If I don't completely suppress most of myself, I find myself unable to move, except for a steady flow of tears, for I know that I am my own murderer."

As I wrote that, I realized from then on, I must always attempt to be the best me, according to me, & not according to society. Ironically, a year long jaunt into heroin addiction is what made all of this possible. For all of my life, I've had the kind of mental resilience that allowed me to overcome anything at a superhuman pace. Even when I was a young child, my stepdad used to say that everything that happened to me was akin to water washing over a duck's back. 33 years of being bulletproof had exhausted me, so after snorting some heroin—which I had previously only used for occasional fun—I realized that I could allow small doses to take over my defenses, all without becoming a nodding fool. After a year of being comfortably numb, existing outside of all desires, I began to hate how hollow my reality had become. This led me to quitting. After not needing my walls for a year, my brain forgot to automatically bring them back up, & I was in no state to figure them out, leading to an emotional tide that nearly killed me. It was in those dark days that I decided to rely less heavily on walls, instead risking pain to allow the real me out into the world.

Here's to hoping my story will help someone.

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Beautifully said friend , wishing you love and peace through all your dark moments.

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At least I'll "always" have grammar, haha. Thanks, here's to hoping we soon live in a world better suited to who we need to be.

Its tough when you get there.

This post received a 1.9% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @reggaemuffin! For more information, click here!

The struggle is real for so many. Myself included. I salute you for putting yourself out there and starting a conversation.
I agree that getting a hobby is helpful. Mine is golf. So invigorating to get out and do something that takes your mind off everything else for hours at a time.
I also found meditating works a treat when it gets too much. I'll happily plug Headspace.
Fight hard!

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thank you ! and you as well !! <3 lots of love and positive vibes sending your way !

Virtual hug sent!

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Thank you <3

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Nice article!

Can you let me know how you made some text bigger? I tried different HTML codes but nothing is working.. And I don't have that editor or markdown mode.

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Ohhhh i uses the editor to do it.. so i am unsure the only thing i know how to do in raw html is italics and bold. And also how to put links into images..

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https://kb.iu.edu/d/abai maybe this link can help? It looks pretty easy to do!

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Thank you for the link.. unfortunately that is also not working.

I don't understand why I don't see the editor when I want to make a post.. Was it standard with you or did you downloaded something?

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It just comes up on mine . are you using a computer or phone/tablet
? because when I use my phone I can only use straight html with no editor. Sorry I havent been on to answer you ghave been feeling under the weather.

Hiya, That has brought tears to my eyes! Thank you, I am in the same boat as you, I have had Depression and Anxiety for ten years now. My life was demolished and I have been left to deal with everything myself.
Which made me feel even more so like an out cast, family don't call anymore and I am never invited to family occasion's. I became very issolated and eventually stopped going out of my house all together. Which then made me hate myself even more.
I have been meditating and self healing as I also had physical problems and needed operations . I just was being pumped full of strong med's that make you feel like a zombie.
It all came to a head and when my Doctor referred to me as a Junkie because I had taken myself off the med's and had severe side effects. She said that I could never come off them again.
I am now moving to Shropshire, rural so I can go for walks and let nature help me.
I will be starting an Air B n B to start, plus do my art and craft. I would also like to finish my book. The only support I have had has been from my 19 year old daughter, she has been my Rock! This is my time to start living again and I would eventualy like to travel again.
I would love to keep in contact as you seem to understand just how awful it can be.
Much love Gina xxx

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Gina i am glad you can find supporr in your daughter and have been strong in all the trials and tribulations life has given you, do you have discord? Or Facebook? I am going to take a nap soon but my discord is the same as my name here .

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No I don't have discored but FB and Instagram, FB just Gina Sarasini and instagram Gina sarasini 67.
Have a good nap and thank you!

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No problem i will add you now before i go to sleep if someone named Kristiana adds you that's me (:

Damm gerl if you need ever any one to speak with i am around :) The easyest way to over the depresion is to realise you have it ! Than just stuk to search the positive things in life . Its never only bad its matter of pount of view !

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Thank you ! I will come to you if i am ever feeling really down thanks. And i hope my post might help people who are like me but havent come to terms with it. Some days it literally os a battle with me and my own mind and it sucks so bad , and i know how it feels, when you dont know why its happening and are trying to hide it, but it only hurts more. I hope i can get more people to talk about their feelings instead of a fake fine. We need some more empathy in the world and a lot less selfishness.

I struggle with that too and you are a brave girl! A big HUG for you!

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Thank you <3 im here to talk if the struggles are ever to heavy to carry on your own

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As am I ! :) Thank you! I will touch that topic myself, just have to prepare, you know?

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Yeah i know. Not really easy to talk about this stuff.

This post was upvoted by 50% from Operation Support sponsored with Whaleshares !

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Thank you so much pate :')

Thanks for your honesty and a beautiful post.
I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for most of my life. It's hard to describe the weighted yet empty feeling I have most days near my heart center. And it's hard to express the feeling of not wanting to exist anymore because there's nowhere to escape or hide from myself.

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Yes, it really is and when people want to tell you all about something that you are going through it kinda makes it feel shittier. I dunno if you have a good support system but for a long long time the only support system i had was my mom , everyone else just tried to change me. My mom to this day is the only person who can calm me down from a panic attack if i cant calm myself down.. sometimes ive felt i am a burden on her making her worry all the time but she always tells me no that im her baby and shell always be there. It really helps alot...

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I feel the same way about my mom. She's always the first person I call.
Try not to feel like a burden to your mom. Nobody will ever care for or love us more than our Mothers. It's really a beautiful thing.
Hope you are doing well.

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It really is beautiful, and I am hanging in there been a bit under the weather thats why I haven't checked these replies.. :p but ill be alright , hope you're doing good as well !

All the best for you! I resteemed your post so others with depression can see and contact you :)

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<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Good post. Great idea to share for those that might not yet dare.

Stay strong and don't be too hard on yourself. You are building something here that you can be proud of, when times are hard. I know people with depression and predicaments alike, and I can see (from an outside perspective), how hard it can be...

So I hope you can take pride in the small victories!

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Thank you rawbin! It can be hard, but i can usually fight through the dark times myself, through hobbies, friends, family, just trying to get the weird tingly feeling in my heart that may be love or positivity?

Thinking problems as problems is the biggest problem.
Upvoted and followed

I totally know how you feel @densgirl94 I'm going through the same thing currently, or at most times... :/

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a lot of people in the world who struggle with depression... It's a sad sucky thing but all we can do is cope , and be there for others that feel this way as well !