Last night I just wept, it is just hard too to cry because I can seem to make that crying face and it is a pressure in my chest because of that sobbing and breathing difficulty. Obviously I a crying about my situation especially now that I have a ridiculous amount of pain in me that even though I take some pain reliever I would have this thought in the back of my mind that it will too will hurt me or is detrimental to my health.
I think that NSAIDs too is making my ringing ear worse than ever, it is one of my health issues that is also torturing me. Now feel like I really wanted to die because of that because a worsening ringing ear is no joke, it is with you day and night which is why I could never retire my electric fan because of its white noise.
I can understand my ringing ear issue, it is because of maybe my constant high blood pressure, the medicines that I take and due to the fact that my bones are degenerating because our ears or inner ears had the smallest bones in the body. Then it might also be my soft tissues in my body are calcifying which was seen last 2006 when I had a chest x-ray as the student doctor had read my X-ray results who actually told me to cut back on Calcium supplements. It got me worried so I took it off entirely which I should never had done but the opposite.
It is quite a bit late now but I just have to do what I learned for my self which is right, to just take some Vitamin D so that I could allow my body's bone to absorb more calcium than it is leaching out so that it could reverse the situation and at the same time medicating my Parathyroid with the right but a difficult drug to take and then trying to cut the head of the snake which is to control my phosphorus intake.
I wished that I could do more for myself, for my health but my hands are tied. Not much people are helping in my relatives because in fact they have not helped me from the start and I feel that they are also terrified in dealing with me for the fear that I would take something from them. So I am just letting them go and will not cause them to have worries, I will just trust God for what he could do.
Still I want to fight but if my body would give up or God would take my spirit already then of course I cannot do anything about that. I will just regard this life as a bonus for me that at least I was able to taste a normal life even for just a few years from my childhood although most of my childhood years are not as good. It is quite a life and I am just trying to enjoy bits of moments of it, what was left from me.
“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” – Ecclesiastes 12:13 KJV
I am a religious person, I believe in the spiritual realm and that there is God as I have told in my previous blog posts. I also believe that this lifetime is just a practice ground for what lies after life. So I am clinging to what I wanted ultimately which is to live in paradise with God although it is still good to try to prolong my life with all the efforts that I am doing even though it seems pointless because of the gravity and complications of my situation.
Life is still good and maybe someday my life will improve, there is still a chance that I see and I hope that people that is concerned would also at least try to pray for me because I know that miracles still happens and that people with clean hearts can relay to God what I wanted to happen in my life.