The Pain of a Miscarriage Never Goes Away...

in #life5 years ago (edited)

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The pain never goes away. Some days are better than others but the pain is forever present. Losing a baby that you longed to see is one of the hardest things to handle. I was 14 weeks pregnant with twins. I went to see my midwives for a check up and it was time to reveal what we were having. This was the first time my three children went with me for a checkup. We all were so excited and trying to guess if we were having two boys or two girls or one of each.

After the nurse checked on the top baby and informed me everything was fine she said we will move on to baby #2. Suddenly the conversation stopped, suddenly the smile on her face went away and immediately I knew something was wrong. I began to cry before she even spoke a word. Baby #2 on the bottom was inanimate. She asked me to compare their sizes and I could see that this baby was a lot smaller than the top baby.

My tear flow was unreal. I couldn't get ahold of myself but I knew I had to because my other children needed my strength. Together we all sat there in tears, in shock, holding each other, dismayed.

We are blessed that baby #1 survived, our baby boy who is strong and healthy today. One day he will know about his twin and how he/she couldn't stay with us. One of the hardest things is we never knew what sex the baby was. We had lost that baby at 12 weeks before we could find out. Next month will mark three years since we lost our beloved baby. It helps when I share and talk about it especially when I know other mothers have experienced the same pain.

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After losing our baby we were put on a close watch. There were some concerns about our surviving son being in contact with the fluids from his deceased twin. It was difficult knowing our deceased child would have to remain in me and it was a possibility I could have a stillbirth at the time of delivery. I couldn’t bare the thought knowing I might delivery what was left of our baby right before delivering our healthy child.

As my pregnancy progressed we began to see less and less of baby #2 on the sonogram. I kept asking the nurse to check on the baby hoping for a miracle of movement. I was still in denial that my child was dead. I was later told that most likely by the time of delivery we may only see evidence of this child when I deliver the placenta. It was so as they told. After delivering the placenta our midwife pointed out some things on it that showed evidence of our beloved twin that didn’t make it to be with us.

It was a bitter sweet moment holding my son. I held him with joy knowing he was our miracle baby who fought for his life. Then at the same time I wept for the one I couldn’t hold, the one I would never be able to show my affection to, the one I would never see grow up...the one I would never hear call me mama. It hurt, it hurt so bad I was overwhelmed with a mound of emotions.

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What Did I Do Wrong?

What Did I Do Wrong?

What Did I Do Wrong?


I asked myself this question for a whole year. I kept trying to find things to blame myself for. I should have done this more and I should have done this less. I forgot to do this and if only I could have done that better. I never would have imagined I would lose a child after having three healthy pregnancies and successful deliveries. I was told that the baby probably didn’t implant in my uterus correctly or that my surviving son was in a spot where he took on all of the nourishments. Sometimes with twins it ends up that way, where one baby gets everything they need while the other is neglected. A nurse told me that it could also be that the baby didn’t develop properly and had some abnormalities that he/she couldn’t survive.

I finally realized that no matter how much I did or didn’t do unfortunate things still happen. I wasn’t in control of where my baby implanted and I couldn’t change or stop any abnormalities from forming. I just wanted a solid reason for why I couldn’t bring our baby home. All of the ”probablies” were driving me crazy so I tried to come up with a for sure answer but couldn’t.

One thing I will say is we have to be careful of how we respond to someone’s tragedy. There were a few ladies that gave me a similar response...

At least you were able to take one baby home. Some mothers are only pregnant with one and when they miscarry they have nothing to hold.

Okay trust me, I realize what a blessing it was to still have a child to bring home but that doesn’t cancel out the fact that one of our babies died. That doesn’t change the fact that we will miss that baby and never have the opportunity to kiss him/her. Yes, we do have our son but the fact is we were supposed to bring home two that day and we can’t ignore that fact just because one survived. I was really irritated with that response. I took it as I should be okay because I didn’t lose both. No...sorry but not sorry, it doesn’t work that way.

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I will always love and miss my precious little baby who is with the Lord now.

I wrote this post for anyone who has experienced a miscarriage or know of a loved one who is dealing with one right now. The pain never goes away but there is healing. God has given us the comfort we need and the peace of knowing our baby didn't have to start in such a hurtful world.

This video below I am sharing got me through that rough time in my life. I hope it brings someone else comfort. It's a song a loving father wrote about the loss of his child. He wrote it to bring healing for his family and it is absolutely beautiful. It's called Perfect Way to Start by Craig Aven. The video runs for 5:31.

I chose to post a sonogram picture with our baby still alive and thriving. This is how we wish to remember this twin.

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I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Any well-meaning person that said that to you has never had a miscarriage. Each loss is a loss, it doesn't matter how many you had.

I applaud your openness about your experiences in life. I think it may help you to speak aloud, but, I firmly believe you are doing a service for those who have been through it an cannot talk about it.

I lost at five months and it was the most heartbreaking experience of my life. And for those that told me I was young and healthy and would have another... you truly didn't get it. It was a death in my personal life. Truth. XO

Upped and Steamed

!tip

I really appreciate that. Yes you can definitely tell those that responded that way had no true idea what I was really going through.

I have always been this way. Speaking aloud helps me sort what I’m going through. If something has helped me cope along the way I feel it’s my duty to share it in order to help others that might travel the same path. It’s really a freeing experience for me.

I am also sorry for your loss. Yes, each loss is a loss whether we were able to have more children or not.

Thanks so much for your sweet words ~ ♥️

Like wow crosheille I am crying. You are a great mum of 5 and if the lord wants your precious to be born in his arms that’s the way it will be, he is with you in spirit. Don’t ask the question why, only HE knows and that’s good. The spirit is with you and the other 4 . Please acknowledge the fact that you have 5 children and that your openness will help others
Thanks

I was crying while writing :(

Thanks so much sweet friend. Your words are very comforting. Knowing the fact that our beloved is with Him is what gives me peace and the strength to be able to move on.

And remember if someone askes you got 5 childeren!

Some pains, such as yours, will never go away. There is no one to blame, no one to hold responsible, nothing will ever change the facts. It will stay with you for the rest of your life. Some days it will make your eyes teary and your mind wander. Other days it will make you see the positive. It is up to you only to find the strength to move one, let it be a memory and focus on the other wonders you have present in your life, your other angels that you will get to see growing. A big hug and thank you for sharing your loss! Voicing it, has the ability to decrease its intensity.

Wow you explained exactly what I go through. The teary eyes and wandering mind...seeing the positive etc. Thank you so much, this was so comforting. It does help when I stay focused on what I have present in my life. I know I won’t ever forget about this but I also know it’s unhealthy to dwell on the things we can’t change.

Thank you! Writing this post and being able to talk about it with others did decrease the intensity ~ 💗

We tend to think that forgetting is what we should do. It might work on the short term, but on the long term it won't. We need to allow ourselves to heal and how can we do it if we don't talk about it,if we don't try to understand our feelings? Sweeping it under the carpet will only do worse. We have to accept it as part of who we are and then the mind and the heart will make peace. :) 💗

Love this! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, it is truly comforting. 💕

Thank you for being open about your experience. I am sorry for your loss. I appreciate how much you value life. What a wonderful trait for children to see in their mother!

Thank you @sumatranate. Speaking out loud about this really helps me to come to grips with my feelings and emotions . I know so many women have experienced this same loss and pain. Thank you so much for reading and for your comforting words ~

First off hugs and I know the loss never goes away, I do know how it feels all be it from the husbands perspective which I know is different to the mothers of course and not saying it is anywhere the same, I wont go into the details of our losses, to distract from your post and feelings.
The person that said that to you was probably well-meaning, but from experience, I know often people just do not know what to say and how to comfort you and the things that come out of their mouth are not with the brain fully engaged and come across as so heartless even though they do not mean to be

!tip

Thank you so much. Although you didn’t go in depth I want to say I am sorry for whatever loss you and your family experienced...it’s never easy but we find ways to be able to go on.

I appreciate you saying that about people just not knowing what to say. I have actually been there before myself. I think it really hurt because I was at a very emotionally place in my life and it came off as “it could be worse” and to me it was already worse. I was able to move pass it though because I realized they had never been in my shoes.

Thanks again ~ ☺️

I can fully understand why that hurt, it is only natural, Until I had been in that situation myself a couple of times did it really dawn on me the need to be very thoughtful about what to say to someone else going through the same situation

That’s so true. Sometimes it takes us to be on the other side to know exactly how comments like that really feel.

Oh @crosheille, I have no words to express my sorrow for you. I cannot imagine what you felt for the 9 months carrying your son. I am sure constant worry and every pain you felt caused more worry. So glad to hear your son was healthy and thriving. Thank you for sharing this with us, truly a special personal moment which will serve to help many women (and dads) who have or will experience this tragedy. Blessings to you and your family.

Yes it was definitely constant worry. I had so much anxiety that I was afraid it would affect the health of my son even more. I had to find ways to stay relaxed and think positive. Thank you! It really is a freeing experience to talk about it and I hope my openness helps others to be able to speak out about their experience and know they are not alone :)

I had not thought about how challenging it must be to have one twin pass. I have had an early miscarriage and a close friend lost her baby at 20 weeks, so miscarriage is an experience I am very familiar with. I think losing a twin is particularly rough because of that special bond the surviving twin would have had with his sister or brother. What comforted me with my miscarriage was the belief that the soul would return again with my next pregnancy.

It was and still is very challenging. Every birthday as he’s blowing out the candles I imagine his twin by his side. That was the other hard part, not being able to witness the amazing connection he would of had with his twin.

I am sorry for your and your friends’ loss. Someone told me that our daughter (our last born who is almost one) was a gift and a comfort for our loss. Although I feel that child can never be replaced it was comforting having another successful pregnancy and delivery and having our baby girl here with us.

Honestly I was terrified when I got pregnant again. I was afraid I would be pregnant with twins and that would have gave me anxiety the whole pregnancy.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting ~

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I am so sorry to hear this @crosheille, I had a miscarriage 4 years ago and yes the pain never goes away, we just find a way to deal with it. I feel you my friend and writing does help, we need to express our grief and it hurts so much because we love so much xxxx

I appreciate you. I am sorry about your loss as well. You said exactly what I was trying to say...

we just find a way to deal with it

Thank you ~ ♥️

I found this so very sad. Perhaps the saddest thing was the baby disappearing. My sister had a miscarriage, a little girl. We knew for some days before that the baby had died and those days waiting were very difficult. Yes, you have your lovely children, but there was this one as well. My sister mourned her lost child for many many years, even after her other children were born and grown up. It was only later that she was able to find some peace and resolution. Thank you for sharing and for remembering.

That was hard...literally watching the baby disappearing from existence. I had never felt a pain and emptiness so deep. I’m so sorry for your sister’s loss. That’s exactly it. Although we have our other children we still lost one, no child replaces another. We will always have a special place in our hearts for that child.

Thank you for sharing about your sister. I hope as time goes on I too will find that peace and resolution. It’s gotten better for me but I still struggle at times.

♥️

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