I've recently had to move again - not to a different city, but to a new location. It's not a big deal, a family member was able to help out and give me a room until I get on my feet. This is, in many ways, great news - and a reminder that I am luckier than most. Sure, I would prefer the last two years of my life never happened. I would prefer that I had been wiser, a better judge of people. I know there are many who would say "you learned something", but I am not sure I've learned anything. In general, I am far less trusting today than I was two years ago - but that, too, isn't necessarily a good thing.
I have a hard time imagining how I will build a life without being able to trust, to open up my life to others. You can't be a member of any community without opening up your heart and your life. I think if I have enough time I can get on my feet again and perhaps have the resources - spiritual and material - to feel that these "risks involving people" are something I can take on. As it stands right now, I am still in the "toilet bowl" of existence - I'm just not "circling the drain".
Considering that two weeks ago I was researching the "best tent city" to live at should tell you something. I avoided the streets, I avoided the decisions that are more permanent. And so, I simply take this breath and I will use this respite to start trying to live again, trying to find a way through my own darkness ...
This is a brief post, and should be taken as a kind of update for those readers who care. I know some of you care, and that is gracious and kind.
I know that many of you have the morbid curiosity or schadenfreude that is all to common to the human species ... and, that's ok too. No lessons in any of this, just absurd folly.
I guess this is merely a signal to the universe that I've not given up quite yet.
(and that, I suppose, is worth something)