So, I took the past week as a holiday from my service as a little celebration for my 20th birthday which is on 29th of April, Sunday, tomorrow. Only one day left of me being a teen by definiton. (Nineteen). It'll be my first birthday on Steemit as well.

During the free week I had plenty of time to play around with my new mic that had come. I did a kantele stream with it also and it sounds lovely. Although my own voice doesn't, I realized. But that's because I have recorded my own vocals almost none so I've had no idea how I actually sound. It's like learning to sing all over again right now. Cringing to my own voice. But even the best singers go through that phase in the beginning. Though now that I actually listen to myself, regardless how painful it is, I can now actually work on it and improve. A smack of some good ol' truth to the face is sometimes good.

^{At least my throat singing is decent.}

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Anyway, I'm now about just at "that age" when people start to expect stuff from me (well, all our lives we are expected stuff, like in school for example, but still). How convenient: just when I'm soon about to get over all the responsibilities that have been set to me in this life without me having any power in it, now, just now, I'm still expected stuff? Give me a fucking break in this life would you, before I accidentally dip my balls into some even deeper shit like getting children if I happen to lose my mind completely.

Luckily I've been able to tack through life without too much outside pressure, but now I'm getting little taste of it. From my grandpa. Sorry to say this, you're a chill dude, but you ain't telling me what to do even though you've seen the world 50 years longer than me.

So, my grandpa thinks I'm "gifted" and that I probably shouldn't waste it. Gifted? Like How? Gifted on cramming books and tasks? Well actually no, that's not where my biggest "gifts" are.

It took me awhile to realize how much desire and need for creativity I actually hold. And in Steemit I've been able to explore it for great amount.

But it makes a lot of sense looking at the father's side of my family where all the cool people come from: musicians, artists, actors and actresses on theater, and my father's father who is/was a tinkerer and inventor. Full of creative and open people who enjoy my company, and I theirs. Who don't expect anything from me but are genuinely interested on how am I doing. The creativity runs deep in there, in my cousins too - and me.

The teachers on creative subjects in high school were probably the biggest source of encouragement I've gotten in my life. And it's not like it was anything that huge or anything, which made me realize:

How little encouragement we get in our lives

or just reinforcement towards building the belief on ourseIves. I mean, I don't want any unnecessary pats of compassion without meaning, but just like a "you can figure it out" or something... The world is full of people to advice doing the thing "you want to do" but when stepped out of the traditional frameworks of life, somehow this advice gets flushed down the toilet.

"Get an education you want."

^{The actual thing they mean.}

Don't get me wrong: education is great and it's awesome if one can find a line of education fulfilling, even greater is the fact that education is pretty much free in Finland which I appreciate even if I didn't plan on taking further advantage of it.

But for me, I'm such an all over-the-place kinda guy that narrowing down to something specific would only cause me anxiety of knowing I'm tied to this "one thing" for 5 or more years. I'm always looking for new things and am always wanting to go "beyond". I've observed this pattern in myself for quite some time. I don't want to feel like there is an end. I need to not know, otherwise I'd feel trapped.

Besides, in my short life I've mostly developed by living "out there". Ignoring the signal of wanting to step to my own way when I finally have a chance, would feel like a mental suicide if I were to trap myself into a new institution right away after soon getting free.

But luckily there's one skill of which building towards is not limiting, quite the contrary, and that is what I'm doing on this exact moment.

Writing

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Even in this short time span of mine in Steemit (8 months or so) so far, I've considerably improved my skills as a writer. But the great thing I realized, is that writing as a skill is not narrowing or going towards a certain specific end - at least for me. Because writing isn't just putting sentences on a paper, but it's an ever expanding ability to paint pictures, all kinds of pictures.

When I write a peace it doesn't only work my ability towards a sub genre, but towards everything. I'm not specifying towards poetry when I write, but towards writing itself. And when writing is built upon, it just keeps expanding without limits; It goes everywhere. You write something, you create something new which creates an unique relationship with everything you've written in the history, forming new points of "data" and connections between them which could again spark up something new and exciting! Not to forget everything that others are writing!

Like who cares about exploring stars when you have an infinite source of worlds right in the tips of your fingers? Just waiting for you to find them! While finding more and more, you learn vocabulary, you invent new metaphors and analogies from the past realizations, and new ways to package your message either laid right on the table as is or between the lines. You can be secretive or your words might have double meaning. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING! And this dynamic just keeps on ever going when embraced fully.

We'll ride the spiral to the end
And may just go where no one's been.

^{Tool, Lateralus}

Does any of this make sense? At least it made in my mind while writing this 3:33 AM. without trousers on. So, take that as you wish.

Ok, I have one cool thing that you can't comprehend (nor can I).

The Library of Babel

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Everything that is, will be written, or could be written in English, can be found from the Library of Babel. Yes, really, literally, EVERYTHING.

"Perhaps you and I were too late to explore the world and too early in history to explore the stars, but we were born at just the right time - which is pretty much all times ever - to explore language, to explore what can be said."

^{Michael from Vsauce}

I've seen that video earlier, but now that really transcended into my consciousness.

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Exploration

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There is so much to be found but for some reason, some people think that exploring doesn't bring any value. Which I think is a completely absurd thought! Literally everything we have today is thanks to some people earlier innovating and looking things differently and pursuing the things everyone thought as waste of time. Why don't we see the value in pursuing the unknown but instead want everything nice and predictable, even other people?

Looking outside the box

Writing this I remembered @escapist's post, "Art Of Breaking Rules", where she talked about figuring an outside-the-box solution for a problem on how to make a vegan cake fluffy without eggs. Reading this filled me with pleasure knowing that she was able to figure her own way despite leaving school and learning on her own, proving that one does not need the "follow the rules" exactly like others to succeed. Even though I'm not a baker myself, it's the idea behind that still inspires me.

Regardless if others believe or don't in my ability to figure things out, I've learned that I have to first and foremost believe in myself; nobody else is going to clear the way, especially when exploring the jungle because it's a "waste of time". And now that I finally do, way more than I did back in the time because this potential hadn't really manifested itself, I have no plans to obey others' advice. Though I always take an advice into an evaluation and decide whether there's some substance there I should adopt.

I feel like it's my duty to prove for myself and any other people who have made dangerous assumptions about me. It's not wrong to have a regular job; we all have to get our living somehow. But god damn do I want to grab some shit onto their face and do the exact opposite just to prove against their expectations.

There are two ways we can go with this, the easy or the hard way: either you stop telling me what to do and everyone lives happily ever after OR you keep telling me your wishes or the options you see, leading to the build of resistance between us leading only for the mutual disappointment of each others, which is hard for me to understand why you would do something like that to yourself.

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Ok, I think that's it for today.

But one last wish:

When you come to visit me tomorrow on my birthday, I hope I can spend it without a single word of how it would be good for me or the society if I did "this" and "that". I don't want any of that shit. I've messaged it earlier already that I'll have to think what I want, but if you haven't realized that, I might have to get really direct about that. And that's not where you do want to see me because I might change from this peaceful guy to "I don't give a two shit about your opinions and you aren't entitled to tell me what to do even though I wouldn't be here without you. Oh, did I also forgot that I'm not here to live my life just so I could please someone's ass?" -type of guy.

I hope you realize in your wisdom not to poke me further.

My sincerest thanks,

celestal, aka. Mohawk

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_{Pictures, excluding the meme, are from pexels and pixabay.}