Ruminations At 2:30 AM

in #life6 years ago (edited)

You know, I've always thought my sins would haunt me in my dreams. They don't. They haunt me at night, when I'm alone, and my mind is tired of being distracted.

It's almost 3 am on a school night, and I have class at 8:30 am this morning. I have briefs that I haven't prepared. I have cases that I haven't read. Worst of all, earlier today, I managed to doze on the couch into the early evening, so I missed out on a chance at seeing my daughter.

And I know why, too. I'm overwhelmed. I feel like I'm drowning and despite my sincerest desire to fight to the surface, I can't even seem to muster the effort to try. I'm passing through my life, going to class, studying what I need to study, and talking to my friends at school, but it all seems hollow. I don't know if hollow is even the right word to describe it. It's like I'm going through the motions, moving mechanically toward an end goal, but I'm just a passenger. Sure, I like law school, and I love studying law. Despite the immense mental effort, I genuinely like what I'm learning to do. The only times I feel really alive are when I spend the day with Kate, or when she sleeps over at my house and we go to bed together. I live to hear her say "I love you, Daddy" more than anything else in the world.

I love my girlfriend, @ladymaharet. She's vibrant in a way that I'd like to think I am. We mesh together so well, and I'm not only looking forward to her coming down in just over a week, but for her to come down here permanently. I long for her to be here with me. But that's where it ends. The rest of my life is just...I don't know. Like some vague perception. Like a picture that I'm living in, only I never realized that it was in a frame hanging on a wall; I always thought it was full of depth. Now I look around, at my empty house, at my stack of books, and there's barely anything at all except crippling sadness and regret.

It's not every day. Hell, most days I'm good, especially on the days I have Kate with me. But nights like these, where I'm alone in the dark, it's all just some flat picture. Some pantomime of real life, something close to the real thing but ultimately just a few degrees shy of it.

I know why I ended up here. How it happened. I did the unconscionable and failed--miserably--as a husband. The one thing I've desired more than anything else in my entire life, my own family, was in my grasp and I tore it apart because I was too much of a twisted, pathetic creature to live up to my own expectations. Moral expectations. Expectations to be a good, decent human being. I know it's my fault I'm here, now, as I am. I know I'm the reason I'm sitting in this house, alone, in the middle of the night, still awake instead of sleeping.

I just wish that was some consolation. I have no right to expect that, but I still wish. Responsibility is cold, unforgiving medicine. It's a cure for the soul, but it does little to quash the crushing disappointment one has in one's self.

Anyway, it's about time for me to lay down for a few hours and try to be functional tomorrow. I'm sorry I didn't include any pictures or my usual signature. Somehow didn't feel right to embellish this or add something more to it.

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Wow. This post REALLY hit home for me. It honestly felt like you were describing my life. Have you ever felt like someone has read your journal and you half expect Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the closet with a camera? Yeah, that's me right now.

It's like I'm going through the motions, moving mechanically toward an end goal, but I'm just a passenger.

Okay, so I am two years out of law school. I went through law school with kids. I lived with unchecked depression that I self-medicated with various coping mechanisms and ended up having an affair because I could not bear to confront my emptiness in a healthy way. My wife and I were separated for a while, and I am thankful everyday that she did not divorce me. It has been a fucking roller coaster the last three years, but I am starting to taste real life. I wish I could say that working as a lawyer has helped, but I very much feel like my chosen career is holding me back. I don't know from what though.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I hope the act of writing brought you some rest.
Cheers.

What to say?

My daughter is my world too. I am so lucky she is with me every day, but there have been times when things might have turned out differently.

I know you're not looking for advice - and that would be trite anyway. But there is a mantra that works for me when depression is closing in.

May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy.

(Jack Kornfield - A Path with Heart)

To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.

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I think that there are more and more people that feel the thing you do. I am one of them.

I guess we lost the sense of time, we tend to overwork and we try to reach the sky. Sometimes i think that is a mistake. I look at people that just go to an 8h schedule and then they go to their family and just enjoy free time.

I envy them, but i cannot be like them. Also, i think that what we do with our work is important, and maybe we will leave something for our generations, for our family, for the future of our kids.

Maybe the people that i talked about above envy us, and there is a constant loop.

Just enjoy the time you have with your daughter and girlfriend. They give you energy. The only thing that seems to bother you is the loneliness, try and solve that and you will feel better.

And about the "I was too much of a twisted, pathetic creature to live up to my own expectations". Self critique is good, but it is good when you learn from your mistakes. So, make it right this time, i am sure you will succeed.

I hope i made sense in what i said and i am also sure everything will fall in it's right place for you! Keep the love coming and take care of your loved ones.

I'm going to enjoy a coffee now, i need some time with myself :))

If there’s one thing I know right now it’s that life come fast and in short bursts.

Drama seems to happen all at once or not all. It always when you’re worn down and vulnerable.

To get a reward there is always sacrifice. Whether that’s exposing yourself to risk of personal financial investment or spending precious finite time of this life. Remember those things you love with the end goal of spending more time with the people you care about.

It’s always easier to remember the bad than the good.

My brother said something to me one time that blew my mind:

“Half of my mind manufactures shit. If I don’t stay busy and focused the other half buys it.”

Don’t buy your own bullshit.

You got this man. The great ones are always resilient.

Don't I know it. It's hard not to; I'm an excellent salesman.

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