My thoughts upon returning to the Matrix after 8 months Abroad

in #life4 years ago (edited)


Back in June 2017 I returned to the Matrix aka The United States of America after spending 8 months abroad. This is my second return to the states after spending extensive time away. Each time I am away I never have the intent or desire to return. But sometimes things change in life for reasons not always understood by myself. I found myself right back in the same system I have sought so desperately to permanently escape from. From a technical understanding I came back because I had some stomach problems while in Thailand. Due to this and not having the capability to heal myself I accepted that it was best to return.

Down but not defeated, each time I return I come back with a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. Rather then look at my return as a defeat, I now see as an opportunity to apply the knowledge and share the truth with those who are still slaves of the system and ultimately their own minds.

Unlike the previous time I returned to South Florida in February 2016 after 28 months in South America, I found myself much more clear headed. Before I lived in Paranoia of financial collapse, marital law, fema camps, etc. This time around I have much more peace with myself and just learn to live and enjoy each day no matter where I am.

When I started to have stomach problems in Thailand I knew at some point that it meant I could find myself back in the US. Though I was without funds, I was still taken cared of by the Universe as always. And during this time I was going through a lot of inner turmoil, mostly dealing with loneliness and desire to have a partner.

I was volunteering to help build an Eco Village called The Mothership an hour outside of Chiang Mai. If you wish feel free to look up The Mothership Chaing Mai on facebook. I will write more about this interesting project in the future. Basically it was run by 3 Germans, Marco was the main investor with his girlfriend Kiki the land owner who is Thai, Oliver aka Oli the master builder and Ago their friend and helper. Since I got on well with them as they are Anarchist like myself they offered me to stay at the Mothership for as long as I wanted. They liked my cooking and view points, so Marco offered for me to be one of the cooks once the project was completed. After 2 weeks, Ago who was in charge of the volunteers turned to me and said you know we really like you and it is a pleasure to have you here. You are welcome to stay here for as long as you want. It wasn't the first time I was given such an offer and as always I was honored.

Sadly things didn't quit work out. While there I got very depressed and sick. Oli the master builder was getting piss drunk every night talking about how lonely and depressed. If you can see from the picture Oli is the tall blond handsome german with no shirt and long hair in the near the center. He is 47 years old and an incredibly gifted builder and artist. But sadly had a self destructive nature that led him to drink more then 5 liters of beer a night. Everyday I would hear him repeat the same stories, that he doesn't understand the people, how is it they can live and go back to the society after being in such a beautiful place. Not only this he would talk about how he has not had a bank account for more then 27 years. But even though he would say these things, he was suffering inside.
Also Oli had been dealing with heartache after falling in love with a volunteer that was in a relationship prior to coming to the mothership. This triggered my own depression and loneliness. Since I had not been in a serious relationship for more then 5 years since I left Namibia in 2012, I felt a huge void in my heart.
But this void had nothing to do with me loving another person or another person loving me. At the end it was about learning to Love and Accept myself. Yes it is very frustrating not to have had a deep mutual connection with a woman in such a long time. It didn't make sense to me since, I am not such a bad looking guy at least in my mind and I have a pretty decent personality. But the issues go deeper then that, much of it is about letting go of the past and my ego. Learning to open up and love again can be a challenge, but it is not impossible as I am now finding out.
I realized that I could physically be in paradise but in my mind be in hell. Listening to Oli talk about how he was 47 years old and so lonely really hit me hard and exposed my deeper wounds. I forgot how to love not that I was ever such an expert to begin with. But whatever I knew about being intimate with a woman felt like a distant memory, I didn't even remember how. Sometimes I despised him for being so fucking annoying with his ranting and bitching but at the same time I respected him. At least he was honest, even if he was acting like a selfish drunken asshole. One moment I wanted to take one of those beer bottles and crack it over his head and at the next moment in his drunken state while having a conversation with one of the Chilean girls he would give me one of his famous drunken hi five handshakes and in his thick German accent say

"You know I really start to Love this guy, he's the only one that get's it" LOL

Many nights I would go to sleep early, before 9pm because seeing Oli fucked up was too much for me to bare. It also brought back a lot of painful memories of seeing my father fucked up. At least with Oli it was just beer and cigarettes but with my Pops it was that plus cocaine. Somedays I felt like Bill Murray in the movie Ground Hog Day. Everyday the same shit, the drinking started in the early afternoon and by 8 Oli was pretty wasted getting into his normal rant and conversations, all I can say is Thank God I Don't understand German. And of course to add to the mood, the normal background music was usually the Doors or Tom Petty being blasted. Basically it felt like being on a bad acid trip.

I would normally be the first one to wake up after being awaken by the rooster concert that started around 4am. The next person to wake up around 6ish was Oli. Even being drunk every night he always got up early, that's what I call German ingenuity. I would see him stumble around to make his morning coffee. I got so use to him that normally first words out of his mouth were "do you have a light". I got so use to this that I would basically hand him the lighter before he even asked.

Another famous saying of Oli was

" I am so fucking drunk, I don't give a shit" LMAO

At the end of the day happiness is not a location, it is a state of being. One cannot control the events outside of you, but you can control what is inside of you. I learn much about myself through this trip and this experience. Sometimes I woke up and felt great. Other days I woke up and felt like shit. I learned not to judge myself, I learned to become the watcher as Eckart Tolle and other Spiritual teachers discuss. Somedays around 8am I felt like crap and I didn't want to talk or be around anyone. Though I didn't have this luxury because there were always other volunteers around me, I knew to keep quiet and the feeling would pass. By noon I would feel fine again, so I was glad I learned not to react to my feelings but just let them go by as if I was watching ships pass by on the sea.

The point being is that happiness is a state of mind not a location. That I didn't fail by coming back.
I learned on this trip what I didn't know before so that I am better prepared for battle the next time around.

To quote the great Willy Nelson

On the road again, Just can't wait to get on the road again, The life I Love is making music with my friends and I can't wait to get on the road again.


i appreciate your raw honesty. it meanders...but you tie it up nice. It is true that happiness is not a location or destination....though its easy to fall into that trap with travel. How you go back and what you bring into your non travel life is the real trick.

Great post. Funny how someone else's writing can spur a lot of self-reflection. Thanks

My pleasure fred. We are all like mirrors, we just reflect one another. What we witness in another is many times a reflection of ourselves. What annoys us about others is sometimes what annoys us about ourselves :)

Great post, thanks for sharing! It's crazy the emotional rollercoaster that travel can bring on. Peace comes from within. I hope you heal well and fast. As someone who has suffered the damage of stomach probems from travel, I'm happy to hear that you listened to your body and got yourself some care. I hope you find yourself healthy and back on the road soon :)

Glad you enjoyed the post @travelfreaks. Definitely traveling can be a roller coaster and one is confronted with many obstacles. But that's what makes the journey worthwhile. Pushing oneself to the limit and overcoming adversity is what it's all about. Yeah the stomach issues is definitely a bitch to deal with and very inconvenient. But it is what it is and I did listen to my body and have recovered in remarkable fashion. Thanks for the good vibes and wishes. I hope to be on the road again soon but for now I'm just focus on making some $$$$ and sharing my stories. Hope to see you out there one of these days.

I think there's a lot in progress, when you are actively listening to somebody, even if they're annoying or irritating to you. I have this happen frequently, and when you don't let your emotions destroy a relationship, you'll find something cool happens next. You're still here, and the next breeze of happiness and joy brushes through all your faces. It's fucking wonderful. Please keep traveling, brother, and experience yourself through others by sharing your love with the world.

Thanks for your input and support @poodai. For sure there a lot of progress that can be made by listening to others. If we keep our ears and eyes open we can learn from everyone that cross our paths. I have learned a lot from listening to others and normally learn that there is always something deeper behind the words of someone. No one knows it all so every day is an opportunity to learn and grow. I'm still here for sure and its people like you and the many other travelers and freedom fighters that inspire me to keep going on the road to Zion. For sure emotions can destroy relationships, but one is silent then definitely cool things happen. Definitely sharing the love with the World is the goal and I intend to keep going on this magic carpet ride.

It is really interesting to read
Thank you for sharing!
If you like to read about travels and circus life please welcome to my friends @annamur

My pleasure @annamur. I'm glad you enjoyed my story. I will definitely check out some of your writings :)

Congrats being discovered by @curie Alex! I'm happy for you. Keep sharing your story! :)

Really interesting guy Oli is, this place also looks interesting, it's like that temple in Cunha. Society can be depressing as we get old, I can't blame him...

Thanks @diabolika. I'm not exactly sure who or what curie is, but it seems to be a good thing. For sure Oli is one of the most interesting characters I have ever met. As for as mothership being like Source Temple, hmmm I wouldnt say that. They are 2 very different places. But its funny how Source Temple was purposely Spiritual and a place like Mothership is nothing to do with Spirituality but can have similar effects. Ultimately we are the ones that create the lessons that we wish to take from each experience. For sure society can be depressing, especially as we get older. I don't blame him but at the same point what's the point of being in Paradise if your just going to dwell on the negative rather then enjoy your freedom and being the change that you wish to see in the world.

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Hi aleluzdosol77. What a wonderful and honest post. It was very touching to read it. I can totally understand you, I have been lonely and going out just to find that one love, I myself didn't really know how to find. I traveled for a year to find happiness, and I found how much of a wreck I was. But going away helped me to start loving myself. Loneliness is hard, but it is here to teach to love ourselves. I hope you can still somehow enjoy the states, even though it sometimes is so frustrating to go home. I wish you all the best, you are loved! Listen to Matt Kahn, he is really good.

Cheers from Guatemala,
the cryptonut :)

Thanks for your positive input @flurin . I see that we have had similar paths that revealed to us our true brokenness. But it is from taking the time to really soul search that one can break free from the pits of hell. I do my best to enjoy it here as much as possible. For now I'm just focused at the task at hand. I don't even have the time to be lonely. I work 2 jobs as a Waiter and now and focused on Writing. I listened to a bit of Matt Kahn, sounds pretty good so far. Right now I am really in Love with Mooji, he has become my Jamaican Spiritual Father. If you havn't heard him, you definitely need to check him out. Peace and Light brother :)

Ah sweet, I am gald to hear that. Yeah, it is sometimes tough indeed. But as you say, it is not hell we should fear, its hell we should face. Shadow work can access some very deep healing. I go check out mooji, jamaican teacher sounds awesome :D

Hope you have a sweet weekend

This was a really honest post that reminded me of myself as i was reading it!

I am also coming to an end of my 8 month trip in Europe, going back to Singapore! I feel like it is never enough sometimes when it comes to travelling too.

I could also relate to the fact that i have not had an intimate relationship with another person for about 5 years too! Maybe like you said, you got to love yourself first and be like a lightbulb that shines from the inside

Ups and downs but i think ultimately the key is not just to be happy but contentment with the things that are already surrounding you.

Hope you are doing well back home!

Thanks for the comment your.system. I feel your pain upon your 8 month return from Europe back to Singapore. Yes traveling is kinda like a drug that once your hooked it's difficult to live without it. I hope you have a safe landing back to Earth upon your return.

As for relationships, for sure that is tricky one. I guess the right person comes along at the right moment. But even this many times I feel is just part of social conditioning. Even our thoughts about love and relationships need to be reassessed as we are so programmed when it comes to this.

I feel when I am loving myself and not feeling so needy for a partner then I no longer am longing or feeling as if I Need someone to complete me.

And yes your are correct, contentment is the key.

Best wishes to you.

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