Late at night after talking with you. I want to talk more, but the words escape me. Wanting so much to take the confusion and frustration away from you. Unable to find the words to do so. I am a writer, still perfecting the gift of taking words and forming them into beautiful, meaningful tools. It’s who I am.
I tell you about the day, you tell me about yours. It seems like forever, but it’s brief. And it doesn’t matter if we’ve both spent the day together, I will always ask you how your day was. It’s who I am.
Who I am is wondering what I am to you because of how much you mean to me. my dear friend. Something in the weaving of time and destiny has brought us together. For what purpose has not been shown, the real purpose may never truly be known. All we have is right now. Right now to get to know each other.
I hear the sadness in your voice, the loneliness with you. A distance between us, unknown if the gap will ever be closed. A gap that remains even when sitting beside you listening to a brilliant playlist of music, or watching a movie. The gap that closes for a brief moment when we talk and connect. Those moments becoming beautiful strings that I hold on to. So many moments missed out on, and right now, I won’t miss out on these moments. Save the missing these moments for later in life when life has happened and drawn us apart.
I want to tell you I love you, but I am afraid to say those words. I would say those as a friend who loves another friend. But time and time again I have spoke those words and it has driven a dark wedge into a beautiful friendship. Those words said too soon hurt, said too often lose their meaning, said not enough and it’s draining. My heart aches to say it, because I want you to know that you are valued. That you are special to someone in this world, even if who I am to you is nothing more than what we are right now. I lose myself in the thought of it.
My body says it’s time for bed. My mind races hoping that it will remember the moments we shared, and join in a beautiful painting of a dream. Being together on an adventure in my dreams. Wondering for a moment if I’ll be in yours. The reality sinks in and finds itself questioning if you are in my dreams, and I am in yours, what does that make us?
My mind thinks too much… it’s who I am. I try to regain focus on your voice. I wish you goodnight… and sweet dreams. Because sweet dreams is my way of saying I love you. When saying I love you means so much, but comes with much weight. You say good night, sweet dreams back. My mind races, wondering if it carries the same value in return. I think too much, it’s who I am. We linger on hanging up. Both wanting to say something more, but unable to find the words to do so. Wanting to spend time together again, but unable to do so. we break into conversation again off of a random topic. until another pause, and we finally say goodnight.