Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 11th February 2018
Count your age
Original post: http://bit.ly/2DTfsKi
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
A shopper at the grocery store had written a check for her purchases and was waiting for the clerk to bag them. Instead, he asked the woman for identification, citing company policy.
The flustered shopper responded, "But I'm your mother!"
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
The teacher in a Bible class asked a woman to read about the Israelites wandering in the desert.
"The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!'" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month -- until you loathe it."
When the woman finished, she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"
A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.
The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced."
"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old lady who is also staying at the home. One day he gets up enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her.
She agrees and suggests that when everyone else is gone for a day trip, they will stay behind and get to it.
He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it.
She says, "I used to like it when a man went down on me."
He says he would love to and goes for it.
After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says, "I'm sorry. I afraid I just can't go on. It smells rotten down there."
She says, "It must be my arthritis."
He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down there. And even if you could, it wouldn't cause that horrible smell."
She says, "No, my arthritis is in my shoulder and I can't wipe my ass."
Q: Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?
A: A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
Original post: http://bit.ly/2DT8LYS
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