Jason Bourne's Day Off [Diary]

in humour •  2 months ago

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06:00
I normally treat myself on my day off and sleep until 06:10 but I had a flashback in my dream about a past event so I woke up in a sweat at 05:58. I lay in bed for the twelve minutes playing candy crush. Level 120. The one with the candies regenerating. I need two sweet ribbon wrappers together to wipe the board but keep getting the stripe sweet. Pain in the balls. That reminds me. I have a doctors appointment at 09:30.

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06:10
I get up and get dressed. Perimeter is still secure. I take my pistol off the locker beside my bed and holster it down my ankle.I make coffee then go online. I cannot stay in the one location for too long so I always use Airbnb to find a new place to live in a different country. Easier than giving the passport at hotels. I have to be careful. Last week the hosts tried to kill me. There was two of them, they were showing me around, very interested in showing me the bathroom, discovered they were contract killers at first sight. I took them out but was injured in the process. I left them in the closet. Whoever really owned the place gave me 1 star on Airbnb for leaving a mess. It was probably the Russians who owned the apartment or safe house to catch me out. Great joke giving me one star guys. Not funny!! On a serious note that has really affected my Airbnb overall rating. It was low enough anyway because sometimes I left through the window without saying goodbye leaving the keys in the flat. .As well as that the last real host named Maureen nearly blew herself up after I left a claymore at my door. I just got there in time. She was calling me for breakfast which was divine by the way. I now only get attic rooms or places in really dodgy neighbourhoods which is a shame. I am moving to Turkey to avoid detection. Very little street cameras in Turkey but the seasonal priced flats are way above my budget.
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06:30
I look up flights to Istanbul. Their luggage allowance is 15kg. My bag is 17.9kg so I will have bring hand luggage. I hate having hand luggage in departures because I need to keep alert but on the plus side I have a place to put my Toblerones. OK flight booked and checked in online under a false name. Must make sure I remember who I am meant to be. Took ages to confirm a new email address. Gmail are slipping up. If I had my own PA this spy game would be a walk in the park but most of my days off revolve around booking flights and sorting out accommodation.Spent the next few minutes looking up youtube. The best defence against a leaping wolf.
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07:00
Jump on Tinder Turkey. It's hard to find someone when your profile photo is me wearing a hat, beard and sunglasses. I am unlucky with love, mainly because they end up as a pawn and are brutally murdered by my threadstone hunters. I need to stay in the shadows so someone who is good looking but not THAT good looking. A Rene Zellweger type. [Right, right, left , right, ummm too good looking, no, no,yes,no]
A Match comes up. Zehra. Yessss.
She's typing........
What ..... do ..... you .... do .... for ...a .... living?
Chef. Type chef.
*....Chef. *
You .... are .... a ...bit .. of ...a ... dish.
Nice one I'm in here . Why did I say chef? Casey Ryback in the film under siege pretended to be a chef and he ended up in the middle of 2 terrorist plots but saved the day.The plot of the film itself is actually mental. How can he only be qualified to be a chef?? That is beside the point. That reminds me I must watch that film on the flight. Date sorted for tomorrow night and its only 07:30.
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08:00
Make breakfast. Have a protein shake. Burned the toast because I heard a noise. Took the gun's safety off. It was Larry the postman. Put gun's safety back on. Spend the next hour looking at google maps of Istanbul. Failing to plan is planning to fail. Plan route to doctors using google street view avoiding any street cameras in process. Doctors is 10 minutes walk as the crow flies. Takes me 25 to avoid all the camera.
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09:29
Reached the doctors. I walk in. There's 4 escape routes, a fire hose, 1 old civilian with a sore back and a pregnant civilian in her 20's. Location is clear. Doctor was pleasant. He asked what the problem was. During the fake airbnb host fight one of the henchmen kicked me in the testicles which resulted in a one ascending up my groin. It is not the first time I had retractile testicle but I don't want to talk about it. I tell him football match. The doctor was very dexterous and somehow managed to pop it out. Sore but relieving. Fair play to him. It would of been uncomfortable viewing for Zehra tomorrow evening.

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10:00
Stop at a shop to buy a new black jumper.There was a nice warm one that really suited me but I couldn't find it in my size. I ask the staff and they said they are all out. I bet there is some in the stockroom.

10:05
In the stockroom. No cameras. They have it in my size.Lazy so and so's.I am going to email a complaint when I get home.I've a good mind to set the sprinklers off. I take the jumpers and leave 50 quid on the box it came in. The forklift driver will have concussion for a few days but he didn't see me. I took a sneaky selfie before I left. What do you all think?
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10:30
I go to the supermarket and do a bit of shopping. I want to make a curry tonight because I didn't have one in a while. I like to do the slimming world Katsu curry recipe because I like to keep lean and below 5% body fat. Can't bloody find the curry power. FML. It's never easy to find. A staff member shows me where it is. At least she wasn't lazy. I need some chocolate. Chocolate is my weakness. If Threadstone sent some chocolate bars to do their bidding I would be dead and buried long ago. They are all out of toffee crisps so I just settle for a curly wurly. I love England and it's quirky chocolate bars. I'm in Aldl so I come out with a wetsuit and a snorkel as well. You can't beat a good Aldl bargain.

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11:30
I'm being followed. Shouldn't of broken protocol. Clothes shopping was unplanned.I found a tear in my other going out top and I needed a new one. There must of been a camera somewhere. I'll lose them down the banks of the river. I had a two minutes head start on them. I ditch the shopping bag and jumper in a bush. I put on the snorkel and the wetsuit and jump into the river Thames . The two guys run past me. I wait until they are gone. This snorkel is really good quality. I get out of the river and go back to the ditch. A homeless guy has my shopping bag and is eating my Curley Wurly. For f**k sake ,I hit him a backhander and slapped the bar out of his good for nothing mouth. He just ruined my evening tea plans. Then I do a double take.

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12:00
Threadstone are onto me again. They want to kill me as usual. I have gone rogue again apparently and I am now a a target, I got a tip off the same girl who always contacts me.The one with the bob but looks slightly different everytime she helps me out. She definitely likes me. I don't know how she is still alive and why she helps me. She was dressed as the Curly Wurly thieving eating homeless man. I feel so bad now. But clever girl, she knew I love a Curly Wurly and would get a message across with a new passport.
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Those two following me were the normal guys but there is bound to be a Threadstone operative on their way to take me out. The French guy who did the little dance in Oceans 12 was my hardest opponent to date but the Russian guy was an excellent driver as well a few years ago. I was lucky to get out of that in my mini. Who will they send this time? Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris. They keep getting harder anyway. Thats all I know. Time to plan my route back to the abandoned office opposite CIA head quarters.I normally get a sniper rifle and pretend I'm in new Zealand then tell them all what they are wearing real time for dramatic effect. It is normally the best part. Normally they leave me alone for a couple of years. But the last five times they are not getting the message so this time I am going to shoot one of them. Message might sink in then.

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13:00
Get back to flat and pack my stuff. Need to change my flight from Turkey to Norfolk airport to get to Langley. Spent a few minutes on hold to customer services. Another boring job of a spy on his day off.No more Money Penney's since the me too campaign. So after some time arguing I managed to get a part refund. I text Zehra to tell her I cannot make it. I was looking forward to some Turkish delight. I wish there was someone around to hear that pun. I have a sandwich. You never see me tucking into a nice sandwich. BLT. Time to book a taxi to the airport.
At least the flight to Norfolk will allows 25kg. Can get the wetsuit in now. It is still wet though.My stuff will smell when I land and I will have to go to the laundrette. I pack and tidy the flat and leave a tip to get my star up on airbnb.

13:20
Black cab arrives.Very hard to track me in one of these. There are thousands of the same car all over London. He knows I am foreign. Takes me the long way around. Pisses me off. He thinks I'm Chevy Chase. Stupid American. I pistol whip him and throw him in the boot. My cover is blown anyway. I leave the car in the short term parking at Heathrow. I go straight into terminal building with an empty suitcase so I am seen by the security cameras. Then I go into the toilets, leave the suitcase and climb through the plasterboard tiled ceiling.I run along the beams and escape back out of the building through a vent. I go back to the car and drive to St Pancreas. I stop at a payphone to ring to say there is a suspicious package in a toilet in Heathrow. I arrive at St Pancreas and get the Eurostar to Paris. My flight from Paris to Norfolk is 18:30.Good diversion but two flights cost me an arm and a leg.

14:00
On train and finally get past level 120 in candy crush. Today is looking up. Uh ohhhhhh I forgot about the guy in the boot of the taxi. Can't ring the authorities until I am safely in Langley.Long wait for the taxi driver. Good karma. He won't do that again. I watch Under Siege. Casey Ryback has better moves than even myself.

15:00
Arrive in Paris. No problem going through airport. Ditched the gun. Avoided cameras.At departures my belt went off in the metal detector. I hate when that happens. Boarded the plane to America. I am gonna have to sleep in that abandoned office tonight. No time to research places. This is not all it is cracked up to be. I'm starving again from all the going. The cold river didn't do my retractile testicle any good either. This is the 5th time now they are after me. Nothing is worth this hassle and I am broke. I am just going to kill them all this time.Seriously and that will be the end of it

23:30
Arrive at offices opposite Threadstone mission command. Why do they still have clear glass windows. Some people never learn.

06:00
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Hahah the details of a secret agent/spy. How did you even think of the details? Welcome to steemitbloggers!

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Over many conversations in the pub being laughing about the boring things that he does after he is finished his days work. 😂

All I can say is I am sure glad this is his day and not mine, way too much happening way to fast. Nice work keeping up with him, and documenting it.

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Thanks a million @sultnpapper. It was hard work. Are you @janton's nephew?

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No I am not related to @janton , never have met the man before joining #steemitbloggers as a matter of fact. What might lead you to ask that question?

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It's like waiting for a bus here. I never met a Texan then two come along at once! 😄Had to ask the question. Are you into bull riding as well?

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No, I enjoy watching bull riding but I never have climbed on the backside of a bucking bull. There isn't a problem with the getting bucked off part, I used to break two year horses to ride when i was young and getting bucked off happens.
The reason I never got on a bull was because once the get you separated from them they come looking for you, and that is where most of the injuries happen, rodeo clowns are good at what they do at the bigger pro rodeos, but the further away you get from the top tier rodeos that less quality the clowns are, the call them clowns but they are really bull fighters and the ones at the "backyard" rodeos as we call them just might not be as committed to saving the rider as the ones at the upper level.
So with all that explaining done, the short answer is, I was just chicken.
A chicken with some common sense.

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a man getting up on a 2 ton beast and trying to stay on is not my idea of bravery . Something else in mind but not bravery. Is there room in your chicken coup?

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I am a free range chicken so the place is wide open.

Loooool

I've moved on to Jack Reacher now from Bourne

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I read a few of his. Tom cruise is definitely not cast for the description! I read the one lately where these guys set up their own state in America . That was a weird one .

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Yes, I've just read that one and thought it good until I realised I'd read it before

That was an awesome read lol <333 Thank you @blanchy :)

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Glad you enjoyed it . 😀😀

This is hilarious... and brilliant.

Proud member of #steemitbloggers @steemitbloggers

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Thanks @toddrjohnson . Much appreciated. Thanks for taking the time out to comment.

Congratulations @blanchy! This post was selected by the @steemitbloggers community as today's Member Boost Post :) It will also receive a complimentary upvote from @Appreciator throughout the course of the day!

You can find the community announcement on Discord :) and it has also been shared on our Steemit Bloggers FB Page and Twitter feed.

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Wow thanks a million. 😀😀

So honored to have Jason Bourne on steemit! I think is a little risky but if a whale catches wind I guess it worth it. I would offer you a safe house at my place, but ah sorry we are busy that day. Anyways glad you're doing okay and hope you find the love you are looking for!

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It would be so good to have a safe house around at the badgers. 😀😀.

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Thanks rose! 😀😀. I try my best

What a great story! I like your writing style and I had a good laugh! Thank you for sharing!

Proud member of #steemitbloggers @steemitbloggers

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Thanks for your comment. My writing style: amateur with lots of grammatical mistakes 😂😂😂. It’s getting better. Thanks for your lovely comment @delishtreats. Jason will be around for some of your delicious treats. 😜😜

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English is not my mother tongue so I didn't notice, LOL!

Looking forward to seeing Jason here :)

Brilliant! You must be langered. You told me yesterday you're a crashing bore until you've had a few.

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Hahah! That’s only face to face . Like father stone ! Ur the only one that will understand that one . 😀😀. I can write when I’m sober thank god. Imagine the spelling mistakes the other way although some think I’m langered all the time with my spelling

Hi @blanchy. Good post you mad leprechaun. This is really good. You have just raised the bar for yourself lol.

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That’s the problem . Took me ages! 😂😂. Oh I got my first UA yesterday by the way. 😀😀😀😜

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https://discord.gg/p39ZbHh is a link for the invite into Helpie. A minnow group with 340 odd members. Hand out delegations for 1 week spot prizes and have a curation trail. Aim is to have 500 or so members.

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Nice thanks a million. Il have a go.

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I'm with steemit bloggers. Janton got me onto them . Its a cool community too. Worth a look also.

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I will be in there tonight as they have shilling Fridays where posts get pushed and they normally have 1300 SP for hand out for the week. Steem is handed out as prizes on Mondays.

I had no idea the things that go on in this man's life. Thank you for explaining it to me. A spy's life always seemed simple to me, before reading this.

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My best friend and I always discussed this over drinks. Jason is never on a plane or in a queue because that would be boring of course but I’d love to see him buying a sliced pan sometime 😂😂.

EXCELENTE, maravilloso, muy bueno y divertido, saludos my friend.

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@edgrand . Thank you for the comment. 😀😀

This is funny!
Tinder, BnB, Candy Crush...
I saw Matt Damon in his parody self 😊

There's never anyone around when you think of a good pun, is there? 😂

This was hysterical, especially since you used established characters (hence, I read the whole thing with Matt's voice in my head). And congrats on the #steemitbloggers Members Boost!


via GIPHY

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Thanks Traci. It's great to be apart of that community. Glad you enjoyed it. Some friends of mine always used to talk about what Jason did in his spare time. So I had to put it down on paper. Glad you enjoyed it. 😃

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You're very welcome, @blanchy, and well done to your friends for inspiring this! And agreed - #steemitbloggers is an awesome community, and @jaynie is pretty much the reason I didn't give up on Steemit in the beginning.

I noticed the convo with you and @cryptoandcoffee about @helpie and figured I'd add my two cents - that's also an awesome community, even though I've been a sleepy potato (as @meno would say) there lately. I'm hoping once I get my health back on track (long boring story), I'll be able to participate again. Definitely good people there too. 😊

A detective complete guide....morningbto evening...

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with the boring stuff thrown in. Nobody said he wasn't going to be boring

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Not much a detective lover...but can imagine what a detective days can be....you covered everything

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This post is sponsored by @SteemitBloggers in collaboration with @appreciator. Just keep up the good work.



well well well..you can write a novel but you can't answer comments huh? ha! what that?? what was this post? lol. it's hilarious. but only if you've seen the Bourne movies, I hope everyone has because this is clever as all get out.
brilliant job!

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@janton missing comments ?? Which ones ?? I hope I’ve answered all your questions about miggeldy and snowflakes! That’s the problem with writing . The comments go to pot because you are concentrating. Il catch up though you old dog!! 😜. It’s bound to be about the scripture or guns .

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hahaha! no it was about curie. but I'm heading for bed now. hope vacation is going well ya young dog. I had some things to say about it but wanted to do that in discord, but I'm checking out now, its 1:30 am here.

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And you would want to be living under a shite chair somewhere in Texas if you have never seen a Jason bourne film !!! 😂😂😂. Admit it!! There’s one now to put on the list @janton but doubt it comes in Betamax!

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what? I've seen all his films more than once. I think it's the Europeans who are film illiterate. Have you seen Tombstone that I talked about in my post today? Or was it made before you were hatched?

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I wasn’t even a sparkle in my fathers eye when that was made. 😂😂. Il give it a look. Course you ve seen born. You probably had the star spangled banner on in the background. 😜😜

I started reading and thought you were a woman until I read "pain the balls". BTW I never heard that term only pain in the butt, which in a way sounds much worse. Sorry to comment on this, but right now my neck hurt. I have a pain in the neck. Really no kidding.

I love Jason Bourne movies. wow I am impressed the correction thingy corrected Jason's last name for me.

So you want to be a spy or just have fun getting to work? #steemitbloggers

Here you are at work having fun.

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Pain in the balls is a very common saying in Ireland. Jason must have been stationed there at some stage 😀😀! I hope your neck gets better soon. Try acupuncture. I heard it is brilliant 😜

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good night's rest hopefully it will be better. I think I have Irish in my blood.
I have had a stranger come up and tell me I look Irish.
I love fairies too. My husband thinks it is stupid. I am thinking of making a little fairy garden.

Hope you balls feel better try accupunture. lol Or were you just saying that.

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Do Irish people look like fairies?? 😂😂😂. You must be a redhead if people think you are Irish ? My balls are fine now. Thanks for asking

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Not a redhead ... never ..used to have auburn hair. blue eyes. I like potatoes too. Only 2% of the world's entire population has red hair.
Thought I would throw that in about potatoes.
Glad you feel better you have been a pain in the neck. lol

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Can’t believe you thought I was a woman ! My photo is in corner! 😜

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First off there are a lot of people in that tiny photo. Who thought to do that? And there is a woman in there.
BTW @blanchy you are proving what I already thought.. the Irish have a good sense of humor.

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No women in the photo . Which one you think is a woman . I think I know. His name is Styx and he’s from Latvia. But ur right about the group one . I should narrow it down!

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Great post, man! Talk about raising the level! This was a fun read! I am putting this one in the relay! Tag you are it!

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Wow thanks a million .I am over the moon it got such a great reaction . 😊😊

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You are welcome!

OMGosh!! I was smiled, then outright laughing as your day went on.

Maybe for the Toblerones, check to see if they have fun-size ones. This could be helpful when dealing with the hand luggage.

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Il mention it to him the next time I see him! 😂😂. Thanks for the lovely comment. Much appreciated. If you liked that one I recommend reading the accidental whale” it’s the blog before that. You may enjoy it more !

Hi @blanchy!

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In our last Algorithmic Curation Round, consisting of 316 contributions, your post is ranked at #105.

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