Loving life and moments
I know, I'm fat, glowing and a bit happy, but it wasn't always that way for me. We all have a past, a thousand stories to tell or maybe shut up to death. Despite the time of all the barriers of life that I have had to face, today, I am grateful to the person who thought of bringing me into the world.
It took me a long time to value and love my life. It was a hard road where there were more thorns and scars than happiness and good memories, but I insist on the fact that I am still grateful to be able to write these lines for you, who has stopped to read me.
For days now I have been thinking that it has been almost 26 years since I am out of my mother's thoughts as something possible and alive, breathing, learning, adapting to every change that comes along, shutting up and hiding the wounds, smiling instead of screaming, protecting instead of seeking protection for myself.
While bullying was the protagonist of my childhood and my life in school and high school, could never end with me, for something I'm here, for something is that you touch this life even though you want to live it as best as possible, that's what I always thought, no one can live this life only I was chosen to endure it and keep breathing.
Since I was born I have been a victim of the diseases, from the first day I was taken out of my mother's womb I immediately made the first visit to the operating room, I still do not know the details nor do I want to know, what I am sure of is that if I conquered that moment and I am still alive, it is because I will face many more diseases in the near future, because in my past I have done it and I have achieved victory with a smile although in reality I only wanted to fall and cry at the feet of my parents.
But sometimes I stop to think as I look at the photographs that my whole life has not been just confrontations with myself, suicide attempts because I was blinded and loneliness as I kept silent about the danger with which life was threatening me. Well, I've talked about this many times.
In a way, I learned to love the bad times because I have always been able to get ahead, sometimes thanks to my family, many times thanks to my friends, but mostly thanks to my conviction not to indulge destiny to do with me what I want, if you attack me, I will not defend myself, I will hug you as much as I wanted to be hugged when you attacked and hurt me, and that way I will win the battle and then tell how I managed to stay alive.
The best time, the simplest time
When I get a chance to do it, whenever I can I go for ice cream, by the way, that's what fat lol has. I have considered this as a way to spice up my life, besides controlling my anxiety, it also makes me feel like a helpless child who only wants an ice cream of his favorite flavors, I forget about the problems, I start smiling for no reason but with pleasure. I've always said, ice cream makes everyone happy.
For me it's something very simple really, I've had the opportunity maybe to go with some friends to a big party and spend the whole night dancing and having some good drink that allows me to completely erase the stressful and toxic thoughts of everyday life, but no. I have always been someone whose emptiness is filled with simple things, walking is something very relaxing for me, listening to music a total inspiration and joy thinking that there are so many deaf people who cannot enjoy this wonder makes me feel special and lucky, and sharing an ice cream with my mother, the person who has witnessed all my transcendence, my mistakes, successes, some battles, is something I am very happy to be able to live it to the fullest. But don't worry, I don't always eat ice cream, I know that I have to take care of my health, maybe I didn't think about it before, but I have been starting to love my life as I should have loved it correctly and completely for a long time.
Those bedtime secrets
My great-grandmother always told me "the one who is not a whore does not enjoy" that I will never forget, the truth is that it makes me laugh, and some people may see it as an offense to women, but it is not entirely true, or rather that is not the message she meant for that. Rather that I should want my body and if I had any desire I should enjoy it to the fullest, not always pretend that you are a good person, that you don't break a plate and that you feel sorry for doing something as normal as having sex.
Sex doesn't make you a bad person, nor does the fact that you have affairs, as long as you're not cheating on anyone. But I very well said, I'd rather be the lover than have a lover. I'm not the one who's cheating, lol.
If I think about it, I don't remember the names of all the men I had a sexual encounter with, the truth is that I have so many sexual secrets with heterosexuals that you can't imagine. I've always told the racists I take them to bed just like the many straight men who killed their curiosity and they don't forget me. Only one other man knows how he likes it done. These and other phrases that I have identified with and put into practice in my sex life, of course mostly in the past, not that I don't do it today, but I have matured a little bit about those freedoms, now more so, despite the beatings, betrayals, pain and tears, I still keep looking for the right person to love.
I think that what has always been to my side and that has allowed me to have a satisfying sex life is the saying "eat in silence and you will eat two and three times". I don't go around saying with whom I had sex and with whom I didn't, and if I suddenly like some straight guy and I manage to make something concrete, that would be part of a bed secret for life.
I've always had a good body, so I must admit that helps me a lot too, maybe I'm not attractive in the face, but you know? it's with the body that you have sex, not with the appearance of your face, although they always say I'm attractive, I still don't believe it, maybe it's the big lips I have that they find attractive and tempting the truth I don't know, I don't know if I did the right thing, it's not something I'm going to be proud of at all, but I must confess that so much sexual activity in my life gave me a lot of pleasure.
There's still a way to go
There is no longer any reason to think that my life is worthless, that I could have done much better than I did. I think I should just keep walking and living each new stage of life, living each second as if it were my last but always remembering that I am not alone and that I cannot keep silent.
If I could go back in time I would tell that boy not to worry that everything will be fine and that a very promising future awaits him, because he will do simple things that will make him very happy, he will meet many people with whom he will identify and he will be able to share some important moments, that surely some people will leave you behind, but that you will still go ahead treasuring the best and following the path of what you are and always will be.
Tell him that you will not be someone famous, but you will be an important part of the change of many. You're not going to be a superhero, but a superhuman with your simplicity.
Well, it's all crazy my thoughts when they get naked, but this is part of my life that I thank every day when I wake up and I can breathe, see the sunrise, get messages from the guy I like and the guys who like me, lol. In short, there are many things to be grateful for one more year of life, and missing a few hours, is when it makes me meditate and reflect that I am happy to have one more year of life.