The Diary Challenge: Chapter 3- A Message from the Other Side

Oh my goodness soul family,

How do I even begin this post as an official Steemian? Ok. I guess I should start with explaining how a pick a card reading works. The feedback from my last post was to strive to hit above 300 words. Be careful what you wish for, because ya girl can write.

Pick a card tarot readings. My relationship with the pick a card tarot reading started a few years ago, with a YouTube channel called “EsoTarot” and esotarot accomplished more in 30 minutes than my therapist accomplished in 3 years. In 30 minutes, esotarot highlighted my “Anxious Attachment Style” as my main block in love. This being my start of pick a card readings, we will start here. I experienced so many synchronicities in her readings, that, my naturally skeptical nature, was brought into a rare state of trust.

Anxious attachment style: what is is? How does it work? And why do love focused tarot readings work to soothe your attachment system?

Attachment theory: a short synopsis. There are a few attachment styles that can develop for a person. Usually this develops in childhood. Your attachment style will depend upon what kind of parents you had (this is subject to change depending on the kinds of partners you develop in adult hood)

Secure attachment: you had parents that were available to you emotionally, physically, and financially as a child, and did a good job of mimicking that relationship into adulthood, and so, you make up over 50% of the population, and do a good job at maintaining relationships with others. You are the pinnacle of what a healthy relationship looks like, congratulations. You will know you have a healthy attachment style because the majority of your relationships are free of drama and conflict. You know how to tune into your partner to figure out what they need, and you also have no problem expressing what you need from your partner. You are not afraid of being vulnerable. You are not scared of being close. You understand how to be vulnerable, while maintaining healthy boundaries. You take rejection well, fully understanding that people can only ever meet you where they are in life. You know how to regulate any toxic traits that you possess, with the wisdom that they serve you in some way, at whatever moment you experience them. You have the capacity for self analysis, which allows you to show up for others in a compassionate way.

Anxious attachment: oh my anxiously attached partner. My heart and soul. I am here for you first and for most. I am your patron saint. Lover girl. Lover boy. Please allow me to speak directly to your soul, because our souls are one and the same.

I started reading cards at 15 (I’m 34 now) and it was born of an an anxious attachment system. The anxiously attached want to get close, and quick, but it is not born of mal intent. It is born of a need to quell an activated attachment system. Our attachment system tells us that we can be abandoned at any moment, because our upbringing wasn’t safe. We designate a figure as our “attachment figure” and hold onto them long after they have proved they are not good sources of safety and security. This is something unique to the anxiously attached. To further explain, anxiety disorders aren’t directly related to an anxious attachment system. You can suffer from anxiety and still fall under other categories of attachment style. So what is anxious attachment? When you are anxiously attached, you have a tendency to make your partner your whole world. This can be tied to codependency but those who are anxiously attached need not suffer an anxiety disorder nor codependency, just that we want big love and we want it all at once. We love to get swept off our feet. Our souls call for romance at its peak. Our souls long for someone to stare into our eyes and devote their eternal souls to us. We are lovers (though we can fight) and we are dreamers, and true romantics. We love a whirlwind romance, though we wish we could extend it to forever and ever and ever and ever. I have an anxious attachment style, though I’m much closer to secure these days. Upon further reflection, I never want to experience love another way. Becoming more secure has involved giving up some passion; I would rather maintain the passion, even if it involves the drama, it’s about what drama I’m willing to accept.I crave my partner. And I don’t want to experience romance another way. I want to crave you, to worship you, to make you a focal point of my being, to serve you. Oh god, let me serve you. I require devotion, and your undivided attention. I am a lot of work, but I will devote so much more to you than a secure partner will. I live to make your fantasies come true, in a true act of selflessness and devotion.

Avoindant attachment: Oh the woah of the avoidantly attached. Firstly, the avoidant was raised in an environment where it was not safe to be vulnerable, to such an extent, that even as a child, they had to learn to reject even parental love. The avoidant is very much attracted to how the anxiously attached partner receives and gives love because they yearn for that experience. The avoidant wants to love you but from a distance. They crave that “love at first sight” feeling that the anxiously attached experience so freely, but if they ever do experience it, they rationalize it away, filing it under “hocus pocus” and “pish posh.” Persons that suffer from personality disorders such as “narcissistic personality disorder” and other personality disorder that are characterized by a lack of empathy for others and extreme selfishness are found under the “avoidant attachment” style. A square is a rectangle but a rectangle is not always a square is what we must remember here. The avoidant is avoiding something, much like the anxiously attached, they’re just doing it in different ways. They both want security, validation, and acceptance, but they go about it in opposite ways. The anxiously attached is not afraid to scream at the top of their lungs, in a rather dramatic fashion, to get the love they know they deserve. The avoidant partner only wishes they could do that. The avoidant suffers the most, having so many emotions that they condemn themselves to experience alone for a multitude of reasons, depending on the person, their upbringing and their nature.

Now that we have that down, let’s move on.

Virgo season started today, and so did mercury in retrograde. Mercury is going into retrograde joining Venus (my ruling planet as a Taurus native… and with a Scorpio 7th house, I’m doomed to experience romance in its deepest, most dramatic form, and anything else is a bore to me), Saturn, Neptune and Pluto. Uranus and Jupiter go into retrograde following. What do all of these planets going into retrograde have to do with me and my attachment system? Well, I was told to aim to go over 300 words, and I hope you guys are prepared for this, because oh man, it’s an explanation.

Aries ( March 20th- April 20th)
You may be revisiting certain habits as well as career moves. You may notice delays around creative projects. Use the slow down to your advantage. What needs extra attention?
Taurus (April 20th- May 20th)
Venus is your ruling planet and Venus is literally on fire right now. How are you feeling 😬🫣
People, places and things from your past may come back up, revisiting in some way. Some of this will be good as it allows you to see how much you’ve grown. Some of these things will propel you into the next chapter as you realize what you’ve outgrown. Remember to take to to rest and contemplate. Be gentle with yourself Taurus.
Gemini (May 21- June 21)
You may want to renovate and revamp where you spend your time. You are open to change
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
You may want to express yourselves a lot more. Pay attention to not only what you’re saying, but how you’re saying it. Think before you speak to avoid conflict.
Leo (July 22- August 23)
You may be focused on numbers and statistics right now. Where are you spending your money and how?
Virgo (August 23- September 22)
You may be over thinking things dear Virgo. Pay attention to your thought processes. Find ways to disconnect. If you are not already into journaling and meditation, now will be a good time to start.
Libra (September 23- October 23)
Introversion might be hitting dear libra hard this retrograde season. It may be tempting to analyze everything away, but don’t be afraid to feel your feelings dear Libra.
SCORPIO (hey honey bunny) (October 23- November 21)
You are leaning towards introversion. It is time to do what Scorpio does best and go deep 🤪
Anyway, collaboration may be favored this season. Be open to revisiting old opportunities.
Sagittarius ( November 22- December 22)
Your career and personal projects might not go how you envision this retrograde season. There might be some delays. Use this time to fine tune the plan.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19)
Your belief system might be challenged this season. It’s time to tap into heart space and remember love is a naturally occurring experience within yourself and not something created by external forces. Out with the old, in with the new, dear Capricorn.
Aquarius ( January 20- February 18)
Pay attention to your close relationships. Reevaluate what relationship aren’t giving back the same way that you’re investing into them. What is no longer working for you, Aquarius?
Pisces (February 18- March 19)
What is worth your time and energy, dear Pisces? It may be time to renegotiate your expectations, my little fish. Don’t shy away from honesty. Be honest with yourself, and with those around you.

How are we communicating with others, and how are we receiving communication? Partners that aren’t good at communicating might be more prone to acting out, refer to your sun sign for further detail on how.

I recently bought myself a Celestite crystal. Celestite works to tap us into celestial realms. When we are tapped into these realms, we are able to navigate to depths of our emotional bodies with more ease.

Oh man, the journey that I’m on, it’s an emotional one for sure. I would not prioritize it as an emotional one, just stating that there is a dark side to the depth of passion that I allow myself to feel, as someone with an anxious attachment system.

My brother had an anxious attachment style. My brother was so tragically in love that he committed suicide. When I filmed this reading, his presence was definitely there. He even knocked over a crystal, that’s how much power was behind his death.

His name was Nick. Nick was an alcoholic, so I ventured out for fried pickles and beer today, but only after filming this reading. I filmed this yesterday. I have a constellation of stars that I call”Nick.” Nick sounds surprisingly close to Nyx, a goddess of the night. There are many night deities. Nacht, Lilith, Hectate, just to name a few. When you look up at the night sky, know that the night sky is listening to you. Their message is, you’re never alone. Don’t you dare have the fear of loneliness anywhere near your heart, because the night is always there for you.

After I filmed this reading I saw Nicks constilation, finally in my orbit again. I cried. My eyes, blurry with tears, could see his shape there with me, as I let it all go. He guides me now, commanding me to tap into the deep well of my emotional body, before you all, encouraging you all to do the same.

I don’t drink often, but when I do, it’s with intent to spend time with Nick. His soul called to me today.

Pick a card readings really helped soothe my attachment system. The anxiously attached are forever looking to quell a yearning that was left, not by their current partner, but by an attachment figure, that probably didn’t have a healthy attachment themselves. A figure that has left them feeling abandoned. A figure that left a child to figure out their own emotional state with no help or support from the one source that’s supposed to teach you help and support.

This video is for everyone that’s lost someone, but dear anxiously attached, I know it will especially touch you. This isn’t tapping into the romantic love that some of you crave, but reminding you that you are divinely supported, and helping you to tap into an even greater love.

Remember, none of us has to go it alone. I am here for you, friend. Join me. Let’s heal together until we come back to the fact that we are collective consciousness. We are one.