MY LESSON ABOUT MY EGO AND SOUL

Hello Dear Steemit friends,

How up and down the past few months have been. I haven't done a post in months, and for that I apologise.

So much has been going on. I wasn't sure how to start back up on here. I feel there is so much to write about and tell you all! So, I have decided to start with the biggest thing I feel is going on, the thing that has bought about SOOO much over the past few weeks, those of which I will break down and explain in following posts ...I will say right now, be prepared for a super long blog post!

Right. There is a bit of a personal back story to why I started feeling quite so unbelievably low, and then realising that I have actually just been masking this low for quite a while... majority of my lifetime in fact. I've been feeling like I am at breaking point...for months. What a horrible way to live when I have been blessed with so so much. So then comes the guilt for feeling so low....and then, searching for some answers, I came across a guided meditation.

I'm going to upload the transcript of the meditation as my next post, but firstly I wanted to write about the insights and new awareness it has bought to me. The mediation has had a flow on affect in my life over the past 3 weeks, and I've been thinking about how to word in in order to share it best with you.

The meditation was titled "Heeding The Call Of Your Soul"- by Sara Blondin. When I first found it, I listened to it literally 4 times in a row, and nearly every day since.

Through this meditation, I suddenly understood all those times I have heard people say that YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE! THAT THE EGO AND SOUL ARE TWO TOTALLY SEPERATE THINGS! I honestly have lost count how many times I have heard this from countless people...but for some reason, it has only finally just sunk in. There are two totally seperate things going on in my body, two totally seperate beings in one.

The first is what so many call the "Ego". This is "Jess"...her experiences here on earth have shaped her into "Jess." Every single thing that has happened to her, everything she has seen, every conversation good and bad has somehow formed her opinions, her ideas, her beliefs about people and the world, her reactions. What she is sensitive to, what she can laugh at and those things that trigger her and cause her stomach to twist in discomfort and unease. Why she feels certain ways about character types of people...you know when you meet someone and you just don't like them? Well yes, that can be you picking up on there energy and intuitively knowing to stay away, but I think it can also be because you have had a bad experience with that character type before and are therefor putting that person in the same pigeonhole. Talk about missing out on new experiences with new people!!!
This "Jess," is all i have thought I am for so long. By thinking like this I have created endless damaging and dramatic cycles for myself and as much as i have wanted and tried to change them...apparently I needed this to sink in first. That this is not me. This is what has happened to me. A result of my experiences, and lots of those experiences have been caused by me! Please dont think I am shouting out as a victim of this world. The times I have snapped, let pressure build up instead of taking 10 mins and calming myself and then having negative feelings anytime that thing that I felt caused it comes up again in another form. The times I have pained people because I feel inadequate. I could have done a multitude of things to realise this earlier too.

But ok, so I realised this is just the shell. So, what is on the inside? What is the real me if everything I thought I am...I'm not?

This is my Soul. My higher self. My light. How many times have you heard people talk about these 3 ideas? Me? Ive heard these words thousands of times, explained in so many bloody ways!!!!! And I totally believed in them from the start. I believed that there its something inside us for sure, i believed that you can get answers from your "Higher Self" in meditations and yes i have tried to, but I was actually asking for something outside of myself to give me the answers because I felt so far away from that "higher self". Surly it couldn't be inside of me when I feel like such a big mess....but believing these things is one thing.
Now, I actually feel like there are parts of my soul actually coming through into this realm. That I am becoming the face of my soul...this phrase has actually been going through my mind in a constant replay for the past few weeks. "BE THE FACE OF YOUR SOUL. BE THE FACE OF YOUR SOUL. BE THE FACE OF YOUR SOUL." Any time I feel challenged, or like I am slipping once again, I repeat it to myself. I also have been saying it what I am proud or happy with something, trying to appreciate it not as my Ego Self but as my Soul Self.

So, now I know a pretty big reason as to why I have felt so low for so long. And who wouldn't? When I look back, i feel like so much sadness has just come from not knowing who i really am. And I still don't really! Just because I know they are seperate, now I have the task of working out who I really am!!! What my soul really wants. What I am here to do.

This realisation is such a blessing, and now so much healing and work has to be done. God- how do you do that and operate in this world at the same time? So many things in life I feel are put on us to distract us from just this one big lesson. Maybe I feel like that because its one of the biggest lessons I have had and i'll feel the same when another big one comes along. I guess I can't answer that right now.

This meditation changed everything I thought I new about myself in a pretty massive way. There is still fear here in me, because that Ego has been me for so long. But there is so much more light. And so much more, I dont know, brightness I guess could be the right word, at just the thought of realising this. A bit of a twinkling.

Guys, PLEASE DONT FEEL LIKE I AM PREACHING OR SAYING IVE GOT ALL THIS STUFF FIGURED OUT! Like I said before i its made me see how much I actually have to do on myself and for myself. But I really dont see the point in waiting till I feel like I am this "Perfect Being" before I start sharing my ideas, the lessons I am learning and teachings I am getting. As i still so dont know who I am I'm going to keep from sharing any "beliefs" I have for quite a while. But i think this post might be able to help some of you going through something similar. Or, maybe it will just be one of the examples you use as something that didn't quite sink in when you do have a realisation somewhat like this.

Guys, if you made it to the end of this post you are an absolute legend and I appreciate you reading my words so so much.

Like I said before, I'll be uploading the transcript of the guided meditation as my next post, but if you feel like you want to listen to it its available on YouTube, Sara Blondin "HEEDING THE CALL OF YOUR SOUL." She finishes the meditation by saying, "Give yourself the gift of your very soul, its always there with-in you. Waiting. Wishing. Hoping for you to listen." And I literally dont think I can finish this post with any better wording than that.

Thank you friends,

Headlessjess xo