Dear Diary: Lots Of Going On Within My Body Right Now
I have rib pain right now and it seemed no to go away, it popped out from my sneezing month's back and it is hurting me whenever I would roll unto my left side because it is my usual position in sleeping.
I also used the wheelchair coming from the bathroom as I cannot walk anymore because i am already dragging my left leg because it is painful with its joint. The stiffness in my body is still not going to get better too because it do not want to go away.
Making my phosphorus and calcium levels didn't give any improvements into what I feel like in my weakness issue. I thought that upon normalizing my calcium levels would improve my strength but I was wrong, I still feel weak and weaker than the past months.
It all bothers me, imagine stiffness, weakness, pain and nausea everyday, What a life to live? Most people would have jumped from a building, tied a rope unto their necks, or blown their brains off with a gun if put in a condition like mine.
But I will not do those, I am a Christian and those are sins but maybe God would forgive me if I would get reckless and accidentally hurt myself. It is a hell of a life I must say because it is, no greater a misery a man can take than this because I am a walking torture victim of my own body. I hope God would let me rest, I am already tired.
You are in a tough spot, no doubt. And you are right, most would have killed themselves by now. But you haven't... Why? Well, obviously because you are tougher than that. (Props, player). And, you have faith in Christ. The tough part is, we have to be realistic and accept that you will likely not be climbing any mountains, or competing in professional sports in the future. Your physical being has become quite the burden, has it not? It sucks, but is what it is. So, where is your strength? YOUR MIND. You are going through something that very few human beings experience and surely this experience will shape your mind in unique ways. This lends you a rare perspective and surely your mind will develop further in unique ways. Use that, man. Perhaps, there is some other kid out there, younger than you, who is scared and in pain, like you have been. Perhaps, you can offer them comfort and lend them strength to manage their pain. Many with various conditions will enter a kind of "hell" given the pain their bodies cause them. Perhaps, you can guide them through that "hell". Because you are one of the few that has been to hell and back. One of the few that can say you've "been there and done that". One of the few still standing, who didn't give up and throw in the towel. You are an inspiration... Share that inspiration with those who need to hear it, brother.
Thank you for your kind words @johnnycoinseed
Sometimes I would realize that I was born in this world and then get one chance in life and then I would be put into a position even in my nightmares didn't happen and yet the unimaginable and unexpected things like these happened into my life.
I only had a one shot in life but it was blown off, lots of things I have already missed and lots to lose in the future and it is sad that I am fighting a losing battle with a hard and expensive fight.
I have no shoulder to cry on and I only comfort myself through writing because even eating doesn't give me comfort but rather otherwise. My misery is unspeakable and it is just all over the top. It scares me a lot knowing about the progressive nature of my bone disease because it gives additional disabilities of eyesight and hearing loss in the future.
I just want God not to let me come to experience those things because it is just too much and too long already. What just drives me is that I have a goal to keep and I am keeping myself busy into achieving those whether I can finish them or not, fate will determine But it is just awfully hard.
I hope you will soon have relief from your pain. Receive my affections @cryptopie
Let the pain go to hell. I wish you healing and rest.