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RE: Mizu No Oto - Every Image Has Its Haiku - Edition #29 (English)

in #haikucontest5 years ago (edited)

Hi, everybody, here is my haiku:

How width is the world
but my endless soul from here
to embrace all seems


Cuán ancho es el mundo
pero mi alma infinita desde aquí
parece abrazarlo todo

And this the link of my post: https://steemit.com/haikucontest/@sayury/mizu-no-oto-every-image-has-its-haiku-edition-29-english

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P.s. I've just a few suggestions for the English version for it to make more sense.

How width is the world
but my endless soul from here
to embrace all seems

You could change just two words and still maintain the 5/7/5 lines.

How wide is the world
but my endless soul from here
embraces the whole.

I'm sure the Spanish version is much more beautiful and as I can't read Spanish it's my loss to see it as it's meant to be read. Forgive me my editing, it's a force of habit ;-)

Muchas gracias @raj808, una de mis razones para participar en este concurso es, precisamente, la de pulir mi inglés, así que valoro mucho este tipo de ediciones. No se si puedo modificar el texto para el concurso, lo hice una vez ya (En este) porque tenía una rima involuntaria.

Thank you @raj808! I think your editing is great, the only thing that is missing from the Spanish original is in the 3rd verse: with "embraces the whole", you gave a sense of certainty, while in Spanish "parece abrazarlo todo", it seems that it embraces all the world. It's more nuanced... anyway thank you very much!

There is a lovely yearning in this Haiku @sayury. It encourages the reader to wonder at distance and imagine what waits out in the blue beyond.

Very nice. Good luck in the contest :)

I love @raj808 rewrite of @sayury haiku. I'm going to speak about that one as if @sayury wrote it. Hopefully the rewritten version is true to the original.
I love this one. It's my favorite so far. It captures both immensity and the eternal. The dog could be any soul swept away by both of these. It could be me. While sitting here at my kitchen table, I can smell the air and feel the power on that hilltop. Great!

and I'd like to add that my awareness of the immense shrinks to a pinpoint at the word "here". I travel in time and space and it all becomes one at the end, like an acid trip in 17 syllables.
How true to the original is this one? I'd like to hear from any spanish speakers if you wouldn't mind. thank you

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