So the one-too-many nerfs to our favorite hero has finally pushed you to this point, pushed you over the edge. It’s not your fault low tiers can’t dodge the hook, but now it’s a matter of your own survival. The only option left in continuing to play Hog in Seasons 5 is to follow these five steps to becoming a Toxic Roadhog.
- STEP 1: Blame Mercy for Everything
The only thing people seem to hate more than Roadhog mains are Mercy mains; and now it’s time for you to capitalize on it. Make sure to only play Roadhog when there’s a Mercy in your group. Then when the pork chops hit the fan (and you know they will), you can be the first one to blame Mercy for your team wipe, and save your own toxic bacon.
But don’t feel bad for Mercy. She might have been smiling and healing you for the first couple of seasons, but she’s been secretly plotting nerfs against you. THEY’VE ALL BEEN PLOTTING NERFS AGAINST YOU.
- STEP 2: Makes Sure Everybody Knows That “You have a Plan”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to hook and kill Mercy when your pick-up-group member asks you to switch just because the enemy team has a Reaper, a Pharah, a Reinhardt, a Widowmaker, and another Reaper? Just politely remind this neurotypical in chat that “I have a Plan.” This is intellectual speak for “mind your goddamn business.”
Not only will he leave you alone for a bit, but he’ll be so impressed with your take-charge attitude that he will aid you in your suicide mission to give the enemy Mercy’s team full ult charge. Roadhog’s plans may not be the best, but he’s the best there is at what he does.
- STEP 3: Hit the Forums to Demand More Nerfs
With Season 5 being as fun as a squirrel hiding in your underpants, now might a good time to hit the forum(s) and start your own nerf campaign. If we can’t ruin Mercy’s fun in-game, we can still give that swiss-chocolate-eating witch her comeuppance outside of it.
If anybody dares impedes your vengence, make sure to sarcastically retort “This guy must be a [Mercy/ a character nobody likes] Main.” Don’t forget to apply reverse psychology in stating that you are really enjoying Roadhog’s “changes” and that you only wish the rest of the OP cast can experience the “joys” of Blizzard’s balancing as much as you do.
- STEP 4: Make a Hit List, and Check it Twice
“Telling me to switch? You just made the List!” Someday these unwarranted, unfair nerfs will finally be reverted, and your un-nerfed hero will be like a man among midgets after a whole season of intensive weight training! Then it will be the time to get revenge against everybody on your hit list that wanted to kick a Hog while he’s down. Let’s remind everybody why Roadhog got nerfed in the first place, and will probably end up getting nerfed again.
- STEP 5: Screw ‘em. Let’s Go Play Paladins
They might have tried to kill the man, but can never kill the hook. The hook (with potential copyright infringement) survives in Makoa from Paladins. And with an extra 5 GBs of hard drive space, so will you. You might even pull off some of this pre-nerf hook swagger from the video below, just like the good ol’ days.
Thus with these the five steps you have a better chance surviving Season 5 as a Toxic Roadhog. You tried to be good Piggy, but good piggies only seem to get the nerf bat. Now with this final nerf in Roadhog’s kit, you have nothing left to lose. The only thing to do now is to try to go down in blaze of crispy bacon and smoked ham, and take as many Mercy mains down with you. God Speed.