This post was inspired by my fellow Texan @Janton. When I was about six years old my dog Spuds did something stupid so my grandma kicked her. This threw me for a loop because grandma is the gentlest person I know.

I was like, “What’s up with all that dog kicking Grams?” To which she replied, “It’s ok. Animals don’t have feelings.”

After a moment of introspection I said, “Gam Gam, I might not be a zoologist, but considering Spuds is running away from you, crying, with her tail tucked between her legs, juxtaposed by instances when she shows affection, especially in regards to her pups; I would say she expresses a wide range of feelings, notably in this case: Pain and fear.”

My grandmother gushed over how super duper smart I am, vowing to never hurt another animal. The villagers hoisted me above their shoulders, carrying me through town, cheering Viva La Cabra Loco!” Everyone in class gave me a standing ovation, then Albert Einstein slipped a hundred dollar bill into my hand and said, "My work here is done." Then he turned into a bald eagle and flew into the mountains. Locals say that on quiet nights, right before a storm you can still hear him singing my name… That’s how I remember it anyway. It’s possible I might have said, “Spuds don’t look happy to me.” Then grandma went and got another beer.

Anyway, the point is animals have unique personalities and feelings; mostly rage and hate.

Donkeys

You ever see those nature shows where a big ass yak is just sitting there taking a shit while it’s back is covered with lions trying to chew down to its spinal cord? You’re like, “Bitch, step on them motherfuckers!” Yaks are pussies who should start hanging out with donkeys.

Donkeys are the guidos of the animal kingdom. They are belligerent jackasses who are prone to violence, extremely territorial and have no problem fighting anyone. It is a common practice for ranchers to keep donkeys around to protect the farm from coyotes and shit. It’s not that donkeys are protective, they just don’t like seeing people they don’t know up at the club so they kick the shit out of anyone new who shows up.

cats

It is a widely accepted fact that cats are narcissistic assholes. But most people don’t grasp how few fucks your cat actually gives about you. When a human dies alone, their dog will guard the body and mourn for several days until the food runs out and they decide enough time has passed that your body can be considered fair game as far as dinner is concerned. Your $2500 freaky hairless demon cat won’t even wait until the body is cold before it starts eating your face. If you know a crazy cat lady with no friends you might as well start calling her “Catfood” behind her back because when she eventually keels over from toxoplasmosis there is a zero percent chance she’s getting an open casket funeral.

Lemmings

Lemmings are amazingly unremarkable rodents. Like most things at the bottom of the food chain, they have tons of babies in hopes that at least one of those useless motherfuckers will live long enough to have some more babies and keep the owl population well fed. When too many black lemmings move into the neighborhood they all complain about it being “Too crowded” and move away, but we all know it’s just because lemmings are racist. Biologists call this phenomenon “Lemmingtrification.”

Every once in a while a herd of lemmings will reach a body of water. Lemmings don’t like water so they stop and sit there looking stupid instead of doing some crazy shit like turning left. Then all the assholes behind them keep pushing forward and inevitably someone gets knocked into the water and drowns. What lemmings ABSOLUTELY do not do, is jump off of a cliff and commit suicide like they are famous for. Back in the 50’s some assholes shooting the racist nature documentary “White Wilderness” for Disney, got it into their heads that lemming suicide was a thing. They followed a herd of lemmings to record this spectacle, but the lemmings didn’t cooperate on account of the fact that they don’t fucking do that. So, the producers just pushed a shitload of them off a cliff, recorded it, and called it a day. The rest is history.

"Rated R: For intense violence and death.

Stay tuned for more animal fun facts. Until then you might enjoy these.

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