I Find Your Lack of Science Disturbing

in #funny7 years ago

Greetings.

My executive assistant Vera (who should win a Nobel Prize in the category of awesomeness) has informed me that one of your inhabitants, @pfunk, has obtained photographic evidence of my recent covert mission to your planet. I am honestly not sure how he figured out it was me. It was probably Dennis the Imperial IT guy's fault... or my stupid boss.



To quote one of your poets, "Is that you baby, or just a brilliant disguise?" YES and YES!

Now that I have 100% successfully completed my mission, I can reveal details from it. I am aware that stating "100% successfully" is redundant considering that I was the one involved. However, after seeing your population in action, I now understand how unintelligent many of your inhabitants are. Therefore, I chose to state the obvious for their benefit. You're welcome morons.

As you know, the Empire will inevitably conquer your entire system. When he Empire conquers a planet, we have several choices (the conquered planets have none). Sometimes we simply destroy the entire planet and its inhabitants. Other times we keep the planet in tact, drain its resources and enslave the inhabitants (it seems that you are doing an excellent job of this option without us). On a rare occasion, when the natives of a planet seem especially impressive, the Empire assimilates the planet and its lifeforms into the Empire.

Who makes this decision you might ask?

Me of course!

These decisions are extremely important. I could not possibly leave them up to my moronic, wrinkled, decrepit, malodorous boss.

I was in the settlement known as Minnesota in order to gather evidence on which to base my decision.



Now this guy gets non-linear timelines.

Although my decision is not final, things are not looking good for you idiots.

One of the factors on which I base my decision is the level of intelligence of the dominant life form of a planet. You had been doing fairly well in that category. Although your lack of technology disturbed me (you can read my reports on that here, here, and here) your mastery of science was not without its merits. You ranked somewhere between those primitive, yet delicious, Ewoks and the Kaminoans (whose main failure was not cloning me).

According to the intelligence I gathered on this mission, you seem to be one of the rare species that I have ever seen going backwards in your mastery of science. What makes it even more perplexing is that you seem to be doing it by choice.



Speak for your own universe. Unless you mean my boss... and underlings... and rebel scum. Never mind.

Inhabits of your planet actually conducted a "March for Science"?! Ummmm what's next you knobs? A March for Breathing? How about a March for Eating? Or perhaps a march for Reproducing? Oh I know! A March for more images of Lord Vader!

All of those things are essential you freaking imbeciles! Why do you need to march for them? Is someone trying to deny the need for breathing, eating or science? What kind of utter moron would do that?

Obviously you shouldn't be too proud of science or the technological terrors you’ve constructed. Those are insignificant next to the power of the Force.

But you simpletons don't have the freaking Force!

So science is your only hope!

For many of your years we have been testing your inhabitants. Every so often, the Empire (ok its all me) likes to send diseases and viruses to your planet to test your wits. Oh and to get a good laugh. It was hilarious what you guys tried before your 1500s! Utterly hilarious! Hold on. I can't breath.



Yep. Polio. That was me.

Your scientists did fairly well with some of diseases I sent including: Smallpox, Polio, Measles, Yellow fever, Malaria and Whooping cough.

Although you fools did need some help from those scumbag rebels for Whooping cough:



But all and all, I was impressed by your scientists' ability to handle these diseases. I will be sending more. If you continue to slide back toward your pre 1500s days... I believe the decision shall be made for me. There will be no inhabitants for the Empire to worry about.

Another mark in your favor is your planet's temperature. It is currently approximately 16 Celsius (that is 61 Fahrenheit for the small minority of you who just likes to complicate things). There are not many planets in the universe with the perfect temperature to sustain such a wide variety of plants and animals. Luckily for you, this factor may save you from a single blast from the Deathstar. I strongly suggest you do your best to keep it that way.

If it rises too much, our scientists (who are much smarter than any of you dimwits) have reported that much of your land will flood. If it does, your planet will begin to remind me of the one I hate the most in my galaxy. Which one is that?

Naboo!

Why do I hate out so much?

Well my ex in-laws are from there. They suck.

I also have some painful memories of holding my deceased wife by a lake there (when she was still alive). It was so long ago when there was nothing but our love. No politics, no plotting, no war.

Yuck! How embarrassing! I was such a whiny little sap. I don't like to think about my pre-awesome days.

But most importantly, I despise Naboo because this dipwad is from there...



Meesa gonna live on you planet soons.

Do you know why he lived there? Most of the planet was covered by water and this idiot's species lives in the water. Do you want these things living on your water covered planet? I didn't think so! So if it does become flooded, I would actually be doing you a favor by destroying it. You're welcome!

Because of this non-linear timeline we are on, there is still plenty of time for me to make my final decision. In the meantime, you might want to consult some of your inhabitants including @thecryptofiend, @sauravrungta, @justtryme90, or @lemouth. They seem to be interested in propelling science forward.

One more thing for those of you who don't really care about the medical or environmental aspects of science...

Science is responsible for all of the technology that might help protect you from the Empire. All of the nuclear weapons, satellites, drones, and guided missiles that you believe are keeping you safe all exist because of science. So does that phone in your pocket that you will use to take selfies as I crush your futile resistance.

You may think you have "The Mother of All Bombs", but do you have this?



Or this?



No?

Well then, you better hope that your silly march worked. If your planet abandons scientific reasoning, it doesn't stand a chance.



The empire appreciates @pfunk's contribution of the first three images.
Got Polio
Stupidest creature ever
Small moon?
Awesomeness
Your planet's future?

Sort:  

There's nothing there. I should know. I used to live there, and then I left. Now it is entirely devoid of value. I suggest Mordor on the Potomac as a much more viable target, assuming you want local intimidation and not total planetary destruction.

But I think the Vogons will probably beat you to that end anyway in most of the plural Earth histories.

An excellent suggestion.

I await the main course with glee :))

I think the next blast will be approximately 1100 miles south east of Minnesota.

Please avoid Scotland and Norway - homes to the evergreen @mindhunter and @fyrstikken - thank you Lord Vader :)

Perhaps I will visit on my next covert operation. My disguises are so amazing that I can even warn people I am coming and they still can't find me. I am somewhere in this picture. But I know you can't find me.

I find your Nike sponsorship of those earthlings embarrassing! Please refrain from being an embarrassment to the Empire :)

P.S. My 2 favourite alter-egos on Steemit are: @lordvader and @gordoncole :D

upvoted for the time travel sign.

@shayne

Yes it is about time someone showed that they understand this non-linear timeline.

Fantastic and funny as fark!

brilliant!

Yes. Yes I am.

Excellent post! I like your work My friend

@lordvader
I've gotta hand it to you when it comes to the creativity this post! This is freakin' awesome so keep up the good work!

Lord Vader can you execute the idiot Jarjar? At least give him some weed so he will shut up.

And yes your order is ready,Sir. Only the dankest.

May we help?

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