#freewriting - The train of life

I always wanted to travel with the "Trans Siberian Express".
It never came that far because I had kids and still have kids. I had to work 60-80 hours a week to keep us all alive and I am still struggling.
So there is no way I can ever make that trip. My bucket list is empty... and it will stay empty.

There is plenty I never did.
But... the older I get the less need I see in dreaming of what never will come true or enjoying what I might have enjoyed as I was younger. Even if I could make my dream come true the experience would not be the same. So I let go of it and am getting more and more a look-a-like of my granny. Once as I bought her a gift she said: "No need to give me anything I can't take it with me into my grave anyway."
I felt so hurt and confused as she said that, but now I understand her.

All that stuff we buy, all the things we keep in boxes, all that waste... these are just things.
If it has any emotional value at all, it is because we give it to it. The real value is in our mind. Not in a stuffed animal, a plant, a picture, a ribbon or a book.
It is the story, the memory that counts and even if we think we did forget a certain story it's still there... somewhere... locked in our brains.
One day we will remember it all... in our dreams or if we are catched by Alzheimer's disease we will live that life again.

I hope it will never come with me that far, since there is not one single good memory in my life.
It was a struggle of an unwanted, premature, severely malnourished baby that grew up in a world full of racism with violent parents, a lack of family, friends, in between narcissists without any opportunities. I made and make the best out of it, since I am a survivor. But survivors do seldom live, they survive.

The world is full with children and people who grew up like me. (Some became serial killers, others committed suicide or are confused.)
Imagine a child like that grows up, gets old and has Alzheimer's disease. It has to sit in that same train of its life again, live that same life over and over again...

The picture is a pixabay.com pic.
This is my entry at the daily #5-minute-freewrite with the prompt train. If you like to join too have a look at @mariannewest and the @freewritehouse.

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