Sourcing All Emotional Memories - The Day to Day Learning Never Stops

in freewrite •  20 days ago

clusters of Time.jpg

We learn in clusters of time. Sometimes old memories pop up and there is new facets of old things that are a bit more clear...Seen in another way that wasn't so clear before. This is the life journey of a thousand lifetimes and then some.

Each day is a lifetime.

What I mean by this:

Without any effort at all,

As we open ourselves up to All,

The very depths of ourselves,

Our Body Has Much to Say!

Hey Hey

Memories surface.

Each one, a bit different in terms of the specifics of the issue.
Burdened in the experience...
Didn't understand what was happening exactly at the time....
Couldn't identify and or define the emotional experience at the time...
Just wanted the emotional experience, the massive discomfort - to stop.

What I've noticed about these old memories...is that they've been like old wounds...that I never totally healed. And I say not totally healed...because it's like I just wanted to forget about them....but within myself, the memory itself - I wasn't actually letting go of the pain and suffering done onto myself on an emotional level. In every single one of these memories I placed an emotional dependence on someone else in being responsible for the experience of myself.

This is a pretty significant revelation - I've basically - for my whole life - Been PLAYING in some way....Trying to figure myself out....to really know myself...and every time I would get close to the source of my emotion, that's when and where I would get uncomfortable and create some form of offense and or defense - The attempt to fight/spite myself in a form of justification and or denial.

Call it -
Shot Call it -

"Delusions of Grandeur."

This was getting to me a bit....

Ok, Ok - It was getting to me more than a bit.....
It was driving me frickin banana's...

Monkey Me a Sandwich!

I've been rather explicit in making the decision within myself....
To investigate all of myself without reservations -
Commiting to my Internal meets External exploration...going into all the knooks and crannies of myself...
Facing Face - All of it.

I've always been very sensitive.

Ever since I was a small child I've been super sensitive to the emotions and feelings of others. The feels were always super strong and intense for me. I never really knew how to even define this or articulate it.....yet I could see a lot and relate to a lot.....though I was always missing something - that missing something being ME, MYSELF & I.

I mean....

I got in the habbit of placing dependence on my independence.

And that's the greatest...and the story should end there....but the illusion of choice......Damnnnnn....

The only alternative that wasn't really valid was to...
Place dependence on things outside of myself...
And Making them Being(s) integral to my emotional and feeling states....

So....
The organization and arrangement of my existence...

Became the greatest all time jam song and dance marathon sesh...
Or....
I became dependent upon these particular things I defined and identified with as positive charge...
The very way to cope and distract myself from the depths of my burdens i've been stubbornly holding onto.
So much so unconsciously so...

Ironically not realizing the irony of fighting to hold onto that which hurts and is burdensome...
Fighting changes so to speak...
Creating more of a hardship than is necessary - resisting the vulnerability of myself to see...
The You Know Me Experience that is Tender and Most Sensitive...

As a Dude's Dude - Brother from another Mother - There's always been a place to Play...
Merrily competing against all other Dudes for the throne....
AKA...Dominance and Supreme Reign...
Assuming myself the very position...
"Top Dog Extraordinare"

Not even competing because i've already excused myself from the amature surf league olymipic competitions..Existing beyond that....

Existential Surfer
Everyday Surfing the Emotional And Feeling Waves - Never an Off Day..
Big League Surfing in a League of My Own.

The whole time - I've been the Focus.
The Show.

Then All of Sudden.....
Crash and Bang...
Shake and Bake...

Slammmmmmed Harder....
Wave Goes Crash....

She Keeps Coming back harder and higher...
Relentless to the test of limits...

This uncomfortablity came into focus within me...this nerviouseness....this inferiority....this inadequacy - I would freeze up and it's like I couldn't move...and then I would go into thinking...like trying to figure it out.

All of a sudden it's like I forgot my Superiority -
The very secret...
My Beingness -
Oneness and Equality YO!

The kicker here is that...

I didn't realize it at the time,

But I was totally trying....

But....Butt....Butt...But....But....to the Butt...

Trying to think out of a hole is futile....because it's like trying to create more energy to stimulate movement...while it's the very energy generated and holding...that which is keeping you down...keeping you in this process state of stuckness and kind of feeling helpless.

Ironically - in using our words we are able to guide ourselves in crafting our best direction and clarity of the moment. Words help craft out our creative art....i use "creative art" here in a playful way to simply mean "our self expressions" and "potential".

Each one Here - The Creator Heart...A Creative Art.

When we allow ourselves to be sensitive to all matters of the Heart, our very emotions and feelings from moment to moment - we are able to move with a somewhat effortless easssssse. A simple matter of using our words. Bringing forth Life - The Epitome - The very Living Being - The Words. Taking steps with our communication - Our words are our best guide, untill we become our own guide - Eventually standing one and equal - The very blueprint and design of life itself Here. Hello Hello. Life Here. Howdy Do!

It's an individual journey for each one of us. What's cool is that even though each is always required to face themselves alone, we are all here walking this process together.

The basic principles in living, being that of:

  • Know Thy Self

  • Investigate All Things and Keep What is Good

  • Equality and Oneness - The Living Life Policy Here

  • Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, and Self-Trust define our capacity to exercise our best living Response Abilities

  • Each is only ever a teacher onto themselves unitll one is effectively self-taught - It takes time.

  • What's Best for All Life Always Includes ME Too

  • Our Best Life is Always an Invitation We've given and gifted to Ourselves - Accepting our Best Life is tough at first.

  • It takes a real Courage to live for real in spite of all the "opposition".

  • There has never been a greater opposition than Ourselves. Realizing this is Integral to our best development and maturity

  • Becoming comfortable within uncomfotability is an extaordinary skill and ability - Embrace your discomforts and grow exponentially.

Trying to think ourselves into action with a sort of motivation....or think ourselves out of a problem....when in all honesty the simplest approach is to take it moment by moment - MAKE A PLAY - Recognizing that we never know for sure how the future will unfold.

What we do know for sure is this:

"If there's a will, there's a way"

Each and everyone is the will and the way. With these very regards in mind it makes it much easier to live the courage to move...to speak...to communicate...to exist without any sort of self-censorship and restraint(s).

What I realize about such states of existence is that they are entirely self induced and that physical reality activity supports with alleviating the symptoms and the ailments. However, this doesn't take it the whole way - what must come through is specificity with our words - sourcing our words to our emotion and or feeling. It is within and as our words that we create the seeds to grow and germinate our very best gardens.

Call it Gifting Meaning to Reality, it's the real tie it together here. The pull of man as All for one and one for all. The Great - Cheers to ALL!

But...But..
Remember...
As You are Re-Membering...piecing self back together...

Processing through all the old memories, is a grieving of sorts...

It's something I've always been uncomfortable with.

It's a point of tenderness and vulnerability. It's our real sensitive and soft spots.

The stuff that's so often regarded as not so Manly. Dude - Too much public indoctrination brainswashing...coming through our cultures in society, police pleasing each other to be gurarded with self-consciousness.

FLIP THE SCRIPT

REbeL REbEL

Being a real life explorer...a real Human Being that isn't afraid to speak without restraint...not hiding at all...but simply 100% comfortable in being exposed.

Here Hear and full out Cheers to taking the stand as a standing example...rocking the mic as our Life show N tell living example. Flesh of our Flesh, blood of our blood...Life Force Essence, permeating through the veins of all Existence. The water rivers running, the whole way here - The Real Kings in Reality Here - Really AsKing the Questions to guide and direct the best outcomes for all Life here.

It always all ways starts with Ourselves.

It's good to be pro for Giving - Never forget that - hardest lesson to learn for the stubborn harsh Mofo's.

It's that raw stuff that is real and key to our deepest truths. It takes a real courage and focus to go Here.

Got Here.

Interestingly enough - Got to get comfortable with Grieving, The Ultimate point of Discomfort for me. The ultimate form of weakness I define. ...The Mourning, Sadness and Sorrow of Significant Losses.

When you embrace the moment and allow yourself to go with the flow of the experience here...and it's like a real growing pain...part of the gestation process of birthing yourself a new....making sure you realize and understand the very pains of your own growth and development so it is for certain that you realize your life lessons 100%.

Drop the Mic

Nuff Said.

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Another great post!

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heyyyy! Coooooool.

Is there a link i need to get into the minnow booster discord?

Sounds like a pretty cool project and initiative!

I am definitely wanting in :)

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You can find the link in the minnowbooster posts @minnowbooster.

Really enjoy your content and style of writing, signed a happy disciple. Preach on!

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HEY!

Really appreciate you taking the time to share your feedback with me.

Respect!