In Search Of Leprechaun Gold: A Short, Weird Trip

A couple of days ago, I went out the door of my home office. As I was looking out across the way, I saw there was a rainbow. Not only that, but that the end of it happened to be settling on the roof of one of the neighbors' house.

I'd never seen that before, but I figured it could only mean one thing: a leprechaun's pot of gold was actually stashed somewhere inside!

Now, I have a very rudimentary knowledge about how all of this is supposed to work, so I decided I'd better brush up on my leprechaun lore. Because, of course, I was going to test the myth and confront the owners about their gold. I mean, this felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity, and you only get so many of those.

Feeling confident after a few quick searches on the Internet, I went back outside, got in my car, and headed around to the other house. I made sure not to look up, but kept my eyes straight on the road. Because, you know, so the rainbow wouldn't shift, seeing how it can move around.

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END OF FIVE MINUTES

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I brought the car even though the house was close enough to walk to because of the pot of gold. I was hoping it was a fair-sized pot, which meant it would be too heavy to lug very far, and I might want to make a quick getaway, anyway.

As I got out and came up the driveway, I listened intently. Supposedly, there should be the sound of a hammer nearby if a leprechaun was around. Something about an elf and a shoe. I didn't hear a hammer, but there was something that sounded like muffled drumming. I decided to knock the door, anyway.

It took a couple of strikes, but not to be deterred, I stood my ground and waited. Finally, the door opened and a large dark hairy man came out on the step. He was wearing sunglasses, smelled warmly of patchouli oil, and held something in his hand. It was either a martini or cocktail glass filled to the brim with whichever drink (I hadn't read up on that—was expecting something closer to beer), which he took occasion to sip on before addressing me.

"Hi," he said in a low, booming voice that had a peculiar squeaky undertone to it. "May I help you?"

Inside, the drumming, or whatever it was, seemed to grow in intensity.

Now, I didn't know exactly what to expect. I'd read that leprechauns were magical creatures, which I supposed meant they could disguise their appearance, but the man before me seemed to be a little too specific. Or maybe that was the thing that bothered me. The disguise was just a tad too good.

Clearing my throat, I said, "I'm in the neighborhood giving free pest inspections. I'll only charge you if I find evidence of anything. Do you mind if I come in?"

It wasn't the greatest pitch, but it was the best that I could do on short notice. It wasn't like I'd been preparing all my life for a moment like this.

The man didn't answer immediately, but seemed to mull my request over. He sucked on his beverage again (was that an olive or a cherry in that glass?) and then motioned me in. "By all means," he said.

"Do you mind if we leave it open?" I asked, passing through the portal and surveying the rather glum interior. "It helps to have a visual." That, and it would be easier to carry a pot of gold out if I didn't have to deal with the door.

Despite the light outside, the living room we stood in was dark, with flint colored walls and all the curtains drawn. I surmised he must have put on the sunglasses before coming outside, because wearing them inside made no sense, but as we stood there, he didn't seem particularly inclined to remove them.

"Fine by me," he said, as if on a five second delay.

The drumming was much louder and distinct now. Except, it wasn't so much drumming as it was thrumming, and it was coming from the end of the hall. Motioning down it I asked, "Is it okay if I start at the back of the house and work up?"

A few heartbeats. Then the answer. "Knock yourself out."

The hallway seemed to stretch on interminably, way too long from what the length of the house should be, but I pressed on, because, well, gold.

As I continued through the gloom, I thought I saw something—a fuzzy bit of light, and it seemed to be pulsing. The closer I got to it, the more of the glowing emanated, and I could see it was surrounding a doorway. I also realized that the radiance seemed to react to the thrumming.

I hesitated. Something bumped me, knocking me ahead a step. "Sorry, dude," the man who had let me in said, his voice sounding a bit sloshed.

I was beginning to think this was a really bad idea. I was also thinking I should have thought of that before wandering down the dark hall, or maybe even before that, when I first saw the rainbow and figured I'd go looking for gold. This was way too weird and elaborate to be anything but weird and elaborate. Or maybe I was just not giving a leprechaun's his due. Weren't they capable of anything to protect their gold?

With that in mind, I reached out and pushed open the door.

The illumination within brightened the corridor all the way down. It bathed everything in an eerie golden hue. Could this be it? I was hoping for a big stash, but whatever it was inside, it was acting as it's own light source.

Two steps and I was in. Time and space seemed to give way, as the light seemed to bend around me. It was coming from the far corner, where what appeared to be a golden coffin sat on some kind of a support structure. An altar maybe?

The light was coming from the gold, and it was indeed pulsating to the thrumming, which was apparently some form of guttural chanting, as six hooded figures surrounded the man-sized golden box. Their hands were raised, heads slightly bent, intent on whatever was inside. I had no idea what was going on, but I'd read and seen enough fantasy to know what it looked like: the six were trying to raise or resurrect whatever was within.

"You all look busy. I probably should go."

My words were drowned out by the chanting. I don't even know if the big hairy guy behind me heard me. He was pushing me forward by bumping up against me. Like what already was happening in front of me wasn't disconcerting enough.

A cold sweat had been forming on my forehead and the back of my neck, and despite the warmth inside the room (it had gone up several degrees from the front of the house to the back) I was beginning to shiver.

"I need to go!" I shouted again, but as I whirled about, the man blocked my path. He made no attempt to hold me, but it was evident he wanted me to see what was in the box.

Okay, I thought. Look in the box. Then maybe he'll let you go.

As I came up behind the three figures on my side of the box, two of them parted to make way for me without acknowledging my presence. Slowly, I came abreast of them and leaning over, I peered into the box.

At first glance, it looked empty. Then, my perception suddenly refocused, and I saw a small curled up object directly in the center.

I didn't have any idea what it was. I just knew what it appeared to be, what my mind tossed to the fore as a possibility. Whether it was the throbbing light, the incessant chanting, the whole bizarre ritual being performed, or the fact none of it made sense, I freaked.

For what I saw in this human-sized box, what it seemed to be that these people were trying to bring life to, was the oddest thing ever:

A slug.

Now, I don't have anything against slugs. They don't really affect me in anyway. Generally, I have a slight urge to pour salt on them, but that's about it. Out of sight, out of mind.

In that moment, however, with everything going on, I was repulsed in a way I've never been. And I think it gave me super strength. For my desire to be out of that place was all consuming. As I bolted, I plunged headlong into big hairy dude, and instead of merely bouncing back, or slightly moving him a step, he ended up in a heap against the near wall, and I was in the corridor in the same bound.

From there, it was a blur. It took no time to get out of the house. The next thing I knew, I was standing in the shade of the cherry tree under the which my car was parked, and then I was inside and speeding away.

Everything happened so fast. I'm not entirely sure if I was intoxicated by the patchouli big hairy dude was wearing, or maybe a magical spell was cast on me. But as I sat in my car in my own driveway, I could have sworn as I was fleeing the neighbor's house, I heard the gleeful squeals of several different voices singing:

"We did it! We did it! Our gold is safe once more!"

I turned off the engine and gripped the steering wheel. I'd been so close! It was real! There was gold there and I had been fooled by some pretty slick magic show.

"Next time, leprechauns," I uttered solemnly under my breath, "I will have your pot of gold!"

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_{Image source—Glen Anthony Albrethsen}

This post was inspired by the daily five minute freewrite. Prompts were taken from six previous days and were incorporated sequentially in the story. The prompt words can be found in italics: cocktail, intensity, portal, resurrect, slug and shade.