I tumbled upon a post made by @freedomtribe about a Freedom Challenge, I feel I want to join in and share my thoughts.

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"What's the one thing you have lost - or would be afraid to lose - which would limit (or has already limited) your personal Freedom?"

Freedom stands for something greater than just the right to act however I choose —-- it also stands for securing to everyone an equal opportunity for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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Hmmmmmmm... that is quite a heavy question to ponder yet it remarkably this made me a little teary-eyed to begin with.

Well, you see I am a mother of two lovely boys, one is turning two this year and the other is seven. However, I have had one (1) miscarriage before I have my youngest now.

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I lost a child! And because of that it scares the heck out of me that I might loose another if ever I get pregnant. It is my utmost dream to cater to three to four children. Though in my heart, I had been wanting to have a baby girl 'cuz in our family we all have boys. So now, I do not know if I will be given another chance to mother one more child.

That was a very difficult time for me. I was in a little depression for a little while thinking what might have been wrong or why didn't he/she made it? Was there something I did wrong too?... so many more questions came out in my mind unanswered. I became irritable and too vulnerable that I always just wanted to be left alone.

I have been longing to be pregnant again and it almost took me like five (5) years to get pregnant. Maybe because I have a hormonal disorder, a PCOS. I think I have had it since with my first child.

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a health problem that affects 1 in 10 women of childbearing age. Women with PCOS have a hormonal imbalance and metabolism problems that may affect their overall health and appearance. PCOS is also a common and treatable cause of infertility.
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At that time, I feel that I lost the opportunity to mother another human being. I wanted it so badly and yet it scares me. I don't want to go through the same phase again, it was terrible. I don't want to lose another one.

Being a mother, it does not stop in having just one child. Yes! The first child gives us the greatest happiness of becoming a parent and to be called a family at last. As they say, the happiness is doubled once you have another child and tripled and so on.

The question now, how am I going to prepare myself physically, mentally and spiritually. Its really hard!! I am not saying the despite our loss, I don't want another baby. Of course I do! But the process isn't going to be ordinary. I have to give up certain things and starting believing in hope again.

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For one thing, I have to take in some vitamins and supplements to help stabilize my hormones. I really don't like taking medicines, I hate what it does to our kidneys in the long run. I would rather go the natural or herbal way. But this time, I had no choice. I have to. I need to. tsk..

I also have to cut down my calorie and sugar intake. You know how much i love FOOD! Food is life for me! The OB said that I have to watch my food in take and keep me fit as much as possible especially that I am already at my 30's. It's even harder to get pregnant and have complications along. She included in my diet several greens, more colorful fruits and less carbs! And no BEERS!!! Really, that serious???!!... Come on!.. Wait there's more! Even my caffeine dosage has been limited to a few cups a week. How can I do that? I need my coffee cups everyday! It's one of the things that makes me smile every time I smell the coffee brewing. gggrrrrrrrrrrr!

Every month the doctor would check my progress. I am constantly holding on to a tiny hope, a flicker of hope actually. Going through all these is not a guarantee. It's a risk that I have to take. In the end, I may fail or succeed. But it was my choice to give it a shot. I have had a little faith and a little doubt too at the same time.

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Then when the pregnancy results came back always negative, I would just cry myself at night. When will all of this will ever end? Do I really have the chance? Will there be a miracle? How long will I hold on?

Come to think, I would do anything for my children. If this is the greatest battle I have to go through to have them, I am more than willing to submit myself. I can and will let go of things just to have life growing inside of me.

A few a months after my miscarriage, I got two lines as I took the pregnancy test. At first, I was in doubt if it was all real or was I dreaming in broad daylight. It was a mixture of happiness to be given another chance to host one more human being inside you. Yet, it makes me so sad too afraid that this might be taken away from me just like the previous. It took me several months to announce that I was finally pregnant again,that baby #03 is on the way.

I feel we are on the same grounds with @katrina-ariel on her entry post too. Motherhood has truly taken its toll on all of us. Its a phase in our lives that we need to choose sides, take responsibility and taking higher priority choices not for own selves. Motherhood has never been so easy nor it promises to have a smooth sailing journey. It will always be a rollercoaster ride kind of thing. There will always be bumps, humps, up and down in every way. But, I for one would never ever trade my children and my fammily for any gold or money in the world. Everyday is always an adventure with them.

And now that I have two midgets, I yearn for one more. Yessssssssss?!! I have to take the same hard road again if I push baby # 4 through. I dont know if I could take it again. I am still contemplating. But I need to decide soon because i will turn forty in a few years, pregnancy at 40 will be much more difficult.

Taking the choice is always what we face and needs to be dealt with. Take the risk. It's okay to be afraid. There are some things worth giving up.

Thank you for taking a time to be with me today. Cheers!

just me,

maquemali