Part 2 by @sevendust04 - Finish The Story Contest - Week #48!

in #finishthestory5 years ago (edited)

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This is contest from the Bananafish Realm where @theironfelix wrote the beginning and each contestant writes their own ending. This is a fun and challenging contest and I urge you all to follow this LINK to the original post for all the information to join in!

The Extraordinary Café

by @theironfelix

The warm smell of fresh brownies drifted across the cafe, ducking under the tables, squeezing through chairs, urged on by the fans; it flew. A gooey batch, chocolate chips still soft, had appeared on the counter. So loudly rang the placing of the tray, that Matt’s eyes glanced over, his mouth already watering, and so the enticing aroma managed to make him half consider ordering two.

Over Matt’s head, a clock's hand ticked a steady background beat, drawing his attention. For all wandering eyes, it was ten to two; she was twenty minutes late. A huff of impatience escaped his cracked lips, his mind drifting back to the crowded room.

An elderly man sat slouched at the table across from him, his broadsheet newspaper out of place in a room full of faces glazed by the light of phone screens. Matt‘s hand instinctively touched his own in his pocket. If he got it out, his eyes would be glued hard to it, in case the light flashed. His mind knew it would vibrate, but the flash came first. It was an addiction he couldn’t fight. Not to the phone. To her.
His mind buzzed and beeped, unable to fight the itch of wonder "...where was she?”

The old man‘s mouth let go of a cough, accompanying the symphony of crinkling as he flipped a page. Matt’s eyes darted up, accidentally catching his gaze, the man smiled at him eagerly folding the paper away.

Matt’s mind shuddered, cursing itself as the man rose, heading towards him. As soon as the stranger came within ear shot, Matt called out trying to put him off.

“Sorry mate, i’m waiting for someone.”

The grin over the worn face widened. “Someone who still ain’t here yet, ‘ow about a bit of company, to help with the waiting? Whatcha say?”

Put on the spot, Matt’s thoughts already ablaze, he found himself nodding before reason could interject. The flame in his mind was inundated with worries and the urge to call her now - to see where oh where she was. Matt didn’t have the patience for small talk, but it was too late; the elderly man was lowering himself into the chair opposite.

The chair eeking with the slow applying pressure of aching joints, a wry smile found itself on the old man’s lips. In the opposite side of tension: a forced smile began forming on Matt’s dry lips, his hand quivering but extending for an introduction.

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Finish to the story, by @sevendust04

The old man coughed into his hand, then wiped it on his threadbare pant leg before grasping Matt’s hand and giving him a surprising strong handshake. “Name’s Reginald, but me friends call me Reg. Pleased ta meetcha.”

Matt pulled his hand out of the grip. “I’m Matt, so nice of you to join me, Reg.” While thinking of some way to be rid of the old coot so he could get on with finding out what has happened to her.

Reg leaned forward and folded his arms on the table top. He fixed Matt with an inquisitive stare and cocked one bushy eyebrow. “So tell ol’ Reg who’s so important that’s got ya fidgetin’ like a dog with fleas and glaring at yon poor clock.”

Matt was affronted by the old man’s nosiness and blew out a long breath before answering. “I’m waiting on my Lizzie; she was supposed to be here at 9:30. It’s not like her to be late and now I’m getting worried that something has happened to her.”

Reg leaned even closer and lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Mayhap she ain’t comin’ a’tall, mayhap she’s found out about you stalkin’ her house in the middle of the night. Most gals don’t take lightly to bein’ spied on.”

Matt’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. “What the devil did you just say?” And his mind raced to make sense of how this coot could know anything about him, least of all the fact that he had taken to watching Lizzie’s house every night.

Reg studied him across the table with a knowing smirk on his wrinkled face. He said nothing else, settling back in his chair and letting Matt stew in his own juices.

Matt’s agitation was obvious as his eyes darted nervously around the room as if seeking escape from the idea that Lizze knew! Or did she? Just who was this old man? Matt started to push back his chair and rise, ready to get away from here. I’ll just call Lizzie, see what she knows.

Reg spoke up then, seeing that Matt was about to flee. “Sit back down, boy! We still have a few more things to talk about.”

It then dawned on Matt that the quavering cockney accent was gone from the old man’s voice, and suddenly, he didn’t look so old either.

Reg pulled out a cell phone that had been vibrating in his pocket. He answered it and spoke a few terse words in response to the caller, then disconnected with a “Very good!” He replaced the phone and came out with a leather case, which he opened and sat on the table in front of Matt.

"I am Inspector Reginald Boskins. My team just finished searching your apartment. We found sufficient evidence to charge you with the murder of Constance Miller last month and we know that Lizzie is your intended next victim.”

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That was such a spin. I am not fond of you writers who turn characters I begin to care about to demons. That's usury 😢 Lol. Brilliant piece, buddy. Love your tidy writing :-)

Thanks, with only 500 words to finish I had to try to think of something shocking in a hurry. I usually don't like the bad guy to be the main character either. :)

What a twist! Convincing dialogues and great characters. I am all with @sarez's comment.

Gotta thank @theironfelix and @calluna for such a good beginning. The possibilities were endless. I hope it's okay that I used your artwork as the picture?

Totally ok, it's for contest purpose 😉

Lovely write up. Matt was just unlucky. Didn't know upcoming serial killers could sit in public places so much. I guess he was sloppy along the way, and he got caught. I'm glad that a killer has been caught, but I was starting to like Matt, so I can't get angry though he's not a good guy.

Thanks, I guess he wasn't very good at being a killer. He had a pretty obsessive personality. Good thing for Lizzie that she had discovered him stalking her, which brought about his downfall.

Wrong career path for Matt

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Hi sevendust04,

This post has been upvoted by the Curie community curation project and associated vote trail as exceptional content (human curated and reviewed). Have a great day :)

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Wow, thank you very much!

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Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness to get one more award and increased upvotes!

Way to Go!

The old man was well written and Matt as the villain is brilliant.

Liked Voted and Resteemed

I can't comment differently!

Thank you! Your contests are so much fun, I just wish I had the time to do more of them! It's a great service to us new guys to get our feet wet.

That's the main goal. To grow together in a caring and down on earth environment. We prefer small accounts to big and posh steemit celebrities. I hope to see you more around, join our discord if you use it..

I'll be happy to join the discord. Do you have an invite code?

Thank you! He just sort of came to life by himself.

Great story, I wasn't expecting that ending. The old guy that turned out to be a cop was priceless. And I never would have pegged Matt for a serial killer. Good job in getting all that drama in during such a short space. @theironfelix did a great job of giving a beginning story. I can smell those brownies!

Hey, minor correction: me and mój Ukochany (@calluna) made the prompt. Just wanted to pass the word since the memo wasn't understood well!

(Well I need to do this with every @curie (congrats on it by the way) upvoted post that @calluna helped write the prompt as well. There was a reason she was on the contest post page, not a little side gag. No worries though~)

La filosofía del texto (The philosophy of the text): Well, well, well... we finally have a story of undercover detectives doing an arresting and stopping a crime! Urah! I mean, there is actually more to this than a simple urah and just simple statement. The fact that the detective went at the lengths to ensure he was dealing with the same person by buying time for the policja (police) to do their job. The fact we also got a fake cover-n-accent to divert any suspishun that t'ere can be fer a peckin' wank-stain that Matt be fo' sho'. Also playing up to the attitudes and platitudes of the original protagonist, Matt, as to make him uncomfortable and distracted from wasting his time from his next heinous crime. Really lovely.

La forma (The form): What's not lovely is the fact that everything is blerrie centered. No worries, fo' sho', yah still got the @curie upvote - not like I can somehow steal it from yah. Get that fixed before a kerel takes offense to text being centered, hurry! Otherwise, I like the italics being sparse but clearly distinctive enough for inner thoughts, quotation marks for conversations/dialogues (and this being sparse fo' the subject matter) and a consistent pacing with varying but respectful paragraph sizes that actually do take stock of the importance of each scene going into the next. Also, because I ain't some Western / Global North writer, I do love when I see that Tell being used (and used right!).

So keep on writing and happy steeming!

Thanks for taking the time to give me some advice! I actually didn't want the story to be centered. I wrote this in esteem and it was perfect in there. So if anyone has any advice as to why it looks fine in eSteem and posts to Steemit like this (centered), I'm all ears!

Can you show the html of the post?

Update - I just edited it in here (Steemit) and redid my centering of the title and @theironfelix and it finally corrected.

You managed to pull a hat trick--you fooled Matt and you fooled the reader. By creating a ruse, using the vernacular that had been adopted in the first part, you lulled us all into thinking the story was going in one direction. Then, boom--it turned. Good job. I always like a good surprise. If the expected happens, why bother reading?
Welcome to Finish the Story. Don't believe I've read one by you before.

Thanks. Yes, it's my first Finish the Story. I've done one microfiction for @jayna but I wish I had time to do more. With all the OT on my job and the 2 kiddos (6 year old and 4 year old) I don't have much free time. But I'm enjoying the writing, I haven't had much practice since college.

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