There are some abhorrently, despicable, ridiculous movies out there. As a devout StarWars Fan - devout as in, was born before the first film came out in '77 - The Last Jedi was a pile of Jawa poop. Lets face it, films lately have been focusing more on SFX, rather than an engaging narrative.
AN ALTERNATE BEDTIME STORY
Kylo Ren & Rey have just defeated the Imperial Guards, after Kylo killed Emperor Snoke by deceiving him. Now, he's about to ask Rey to join him in ruling the Galaxy, together.
"THE FLEET! There's still time to save the fleet!" bellows out Rey.
She gallops over to the screen monitor, an iPad. Kylo didnt move... Rey looks over her shoulder towards the man in black.
"It's time to let old things die... this franchise needs new characters. Join me Rey, forget your past! Together, we can rule the galaxy, as one. With you by my side, nothing can stop us!"
"Rule by your side? The galaxy? What the fuck?"
She gazes at at him in awe and utter disbelief.
"You just killed Snoke and wouldn't have been able to do that, if I wasn't here in the first place! I mean, was that your plan? What if you would've failed dumb ass?"
"Thats what I mean Rey! With you by my side, I'm complete. Did you like that? How I made Snoke look at my lightsaber, which I was gonna punch a hole in your eye with. But what I really did was sleight of hand, and turned your lightsaber on the throne towards him. And then... BAM! I squeezed my fist and cut him in half. Do you like that Rey? Huh, do ya, do ya?
"Uhm... Yea actually that was pretty awesome man. I'll give you that. But, you have got to be kidding me? Ruling the galaxy with you? First you invade my brain, with your shirt off, that weird FogHorn Leghorn chest of yours. Now you want a piece of my booty? Is this what you've always wanted?"
She taps her plump ass with her vibrat... lightsaber. His eyes become dilated.
"Ben! You bloody pervert!"
It was at this very moment that Kylo wet his pants. Was it that obvious? Was he really a pervert? He thought his body was elegant, like porcelain - he makes snow look tan - but elegant nonetheless.
"No. I don't. I mean... yes I do want your booty but, I'm talking about, RULING the galaxy together! FOREVER!"
"That's an awful long time man, I mean... you've got serious mom and dad issues."
"Well you didn't even know your parents! They were just, just... junkers!"
Does she know he's a virgin? Kylo thought suspiciously.
"Yea, they sure were. I guess. But I dont have any issues with that. What evs... Also, you're trying really hard to be like your grandfather, you know, Skywalker senior, that jumbled bag of emotions. Jeezuz Christ, talk about Emo problems. I thought you were the bloody Emo? But noooooo, you're just a desperate little virgin who never got his mother's teat.
Shit, she knows...
Kylo shuddered, it was all true. He always wanted the teat... Ben Solo. They used to call him Ben SlowPo at Jedi Academy. Grandson of the Mighty Darth Vader, son to the Legendary Han Solo and General Leia Organa... left as a child, only to imagine what his mother's teat was like.
Leia rarely had time for him, usually working wasted war missions, trying to save the galaxy from the Empire; of which he was now inadvertently the Leader of... And what of father, where was he? Always off dealing coke, pills and molly, gallivanting around the galaxy between planets in his vintage Ford Falcon.
Dirty Solo, his daddy was a drug dealer. It wasn't a secret, its just nobody ever spoke about it. One can never really leave the business, you know.... Blood in, blood out.
Solo. What a fitting name he had... That's all Ben had ever been, alone, on his own... wanking.
"You know nothing John Sno... err, Rey! The teat was there, sometimes... I never wanted it anyway. I'm a great man, more powerful than Vader, any Jedi or Sith Lord, I am KYLO REN!"
He pounds his chest like a rabid Ewok.
"Ho-hum... Yes, indeed you are Ben Solo. Named after the man your grandfather killed. Nice. Real nice. What is it with your family and their strange behaviors? Didn't your uncle Luke make out with your mother? Eeeewwwww. That story is famous from Cloud City all the way to the outer rim."
"Uncle Luke is a FOOL!"
Rey rolled her eyes in a, thanks Captain Obvious manner.
"Well, duh. That was, pretty foolish."
"Please Rey, I... I... I need you. We can become the most powerful couple in the known universe, just like Siegfried & Roy. Only, instead of white tigers we can have an army of albino Wookies. Rey, listen to your heart, can't you feel me? I've always been there."
Rey looked puzzled. Always been there?? Strewth, she thought in panic. The mind connection they had between them, it was eerily familiar. Back in the showers when she was 18, wait a minute?!
"Always been there? Have you, been spying on me this entire time? I always felt as though someone was watching me in the showers, like the scene from the movie Zapped with Scott Baio. It always felt so... like I'd felt it before. Ben! You, you... oh my god! You fucking pervert!"
"Uhm... I was just trying to show you the way, to guide you. Although, I was pleased you never used soap on a rope, you're surprisingly flexible... Please Rey, I meant no harm, nor did I... AAARRRRGGHHH!"
All of a sudden, quicker than the obsolete career of Jar-Jar Binks, Rey force grabbed the lightsaber held in Kylo's hand and turned it upwards, she switched it on. The laser blade pierced his chest and ruptured his sad, lonely, emo heart... he wailed out in excruciating pain. Kylo fell on his knees... blood dripping onto the floor. A beautiful marble floor. Italian marble.
In a moment, Kylo was gone. Rey turned towards the iPad monitor and pressed a few bright buttons, the Galactic fleet of the Empire paused, and then flew into each other. BOOM! She initiated an Uber rides, robotic-drive, autopilot order. Yes, even Uber made it this far into the future. Or was it the past?
DISCLAIMER: All Artwork And Movie Scene Visuals Are The Property Of LucasFilm LTD & Satanic Disney Company