Mary's Retreat - A Short Story

Mary sat on the porch at her cabin, enjoying a cup of coffee, and listening to the woodland sounds in the morning. It had been awhile since she saw anyone come down the road. This wasn't surprising, as it had been ten years since the highway commission had put the interstate in a couple miles away. Sometimes Mary could imagine that the rest of the world had disappeared. That was just fine with her.

Mary had been living in the cabin on her own for quite a few years now. She couldn't tell exactly how many, cause she had quit keeping track a long time ago, or maybe she didn't want to remember. Mary didn't leave her valley very often, only to visit a general store, once in awhile, to trade her goods for a few little necessities. She did hike to church every week, which was her only contact with others, except for visitors who very occasionally came to call. They were few, and far between.

Mary sure was happy that her Grandad, had left her this bit of mountain land. It felt good to wake up in the morning knowing that she was waking up, and seeing the same view that her kin had been viewing for generations. It was almost like the view flowed through her veins like the the blood of her kin. When she looked off down the valley, memory became mixed up amidst the present.

Mary hadn't always been here on the mountain. She had her years of wandering through the world outside. For so long, she tried her best to tamp down the natural desire within her to feel the nature of the mountain moving under her skin. In fact, she pushed it down to pursue other desires, but those desires took her quickly to wrack, and ruin.

By the time Mary came back to the mountain, the world had made her into a shell of what she was before heading into it. It was like her soul was dying of a thirst, that only the mountain could sate. The world had not been what Mary thought it would be. She thought she would find all her dreams, but instead found a lot of nightmares.

Right now though, it was best for Mary not to take her mind down that track. She needed to get out, and get some work done. She got up, and got her boots, and socks, and sat down again to start lacing them.

After Mary got her shoes on, she then picked up her shotgun, and checked to see that the magazine was full. She also did the same with her 38 pistol, and strapped it around her leg. Then she picked up her walking stack, and her basket, and headed out into the woods.

As she walked, she could only hear her Grandma's voice. As she was growing up, she walked this land with her grandmother, over and over again. Every part of it was mapped in her mind. Every season, was twined in her head with instructions.

“Now, look at this leaf MarySun. See those veins running down the length of the leaf. When you break the leaf apart, you'll see a string that pulls out, like this. That's Plantain!” Grandma's voiced droned in Mary's mental ear.

“The Chickweed is the best spring tonic. Remember to look for white, star like, tiny flowers, and leaves that look like little mouse ears...”, Grandma's voice filled the forest!

Looking back, even with a college education in botany, it was Grandma's voice, that really made the forest come alive, and lead to Mary's livelihood the last few years. For Grandma, had shared with Mary something that couldn't be found in books. She shared with Mary a LOVE of the forest plants. Mary couldn't live this life without the love. Its like going into a candy store where the candy has no sugar. What's the point?

Just about at this point in Mary's walk, she came to a gate. She entered the gate, and within a few seconds was walking across open pasture, headed for a small barn. She opened the barn, and turned her dry, very pregnant milk cow, Bess, out to graze.

Then Mary walked across the field to another gate, that opened back into thick forest. After walking half a mile, she began hunting for herbal remedies in earnest. Mary climbed into areas where the trees had toppled during the wind storm that struck last winter.

Being in that cabin, during that storm, was a real frightening experience! Mary could hear the crash of trees falling all around her, and when one of them, just barely missed the porch, all Mary could do, was huddle in a corner, and pray!

Mary remembered, praying, and crying. For that moment, she regretted coming back to the mountain. Of course, she didn't know what else she could have done! There were very few other options back then.

At that moment, all she could think of was the past. She could only remember the beating she received from her late husband, Ryan, when toward the end of his long fight against brain cancer, he just got violent. By that time, he had long since stopped being the man she had married. The cancer, just seemed to claim not only his body, but his soul.

There had been those who tried to help, but even her love for Ryan seemed to dissolve, as the more the cancer ate at him, the more who he had been was lost to her. It was like the cancer also ate at her, but she had been resolved to see the thing to the very end. She continued to take care of him, fighting long bouts of fatigue, and depression. She tried to be the person that she felt God wanted her to be.

She might have curled up and died herself, if it hadn't been for Abe. Abe had been her friend from childhood. Once when they were early teens, he told her he loved her. She just wasn't ready for love yet. She wasn't ready to leave childhood behind. Oh, she loved him, but he just came along too soon. They both ended up going off their own differing ways, but stayed in contact occasionally. She got married. Abe got married also, and they lived separate lives.

However, when things with Ryan started to get so bad, she happened to see Abe at a function of some sort. Because he knew her so well, she could not hide her grief, and fear from him. Later he called her, arranged to meet her at a fast food place, and upon seeing her, fairly demanded to know what was wrong.

“Mary, please tell me what is going on with you!”, Abe had pleaded.

At that, it was almost like a dam broke inside Mary, as she poured her heart out to, perhaps the only person, she could share her grief with. She told him the whole story, of how her husband's personality had changed. She told him how he was getting more and more violent in his actions. She told Abe, how she couldn't even blame Ryan, because it was his illness that was causing the violence. She told Abe, how she couldn't leave, because Ryan needed her more than ever!

So often, it is only someone that has been significant in one's life for a long time, that can be the one with whom a person feels safe enough to share the deepest parts of oneself with. This is especially true, when that person has some distance from one's regular life. Mary felt she was finally able to unburden herself of the load she was carrying. It was liberating!

She had to admit to herself there was also a level of embarrassment, and an undeniable feeling that she was taking advantage of Abe. She wasn't sure, that he deserved her laying all her problems at his feet. However, she just couldn't seem to stop herself pouring out her troubles until she was spent.

Abe just listened, and held her, until she finished her story. At that moment, he didn't try to give her solutions. He simply allowed himself to be the vessel for her trouble, and pain.

At length, Mary began to feel that her outburst had gone on long enough. She started to make her excuses. It suddenly occurred to he that Abe had some place he was supposed to be, rather than being just a shoulder to pour out her issues. Abe refused to let her leave, until she had taken down his cell number, and had given her his.

When she left Abe, she had no intention of ever using his number. She threw it into her purse. It still stunned her that Abe had turned up in her life again, right at that moment. However, she was just grateful for the few minutes of solace he had given her.

After awhile it occurred to Mary, that she had never asked Abe about his life, or his family, or anything. She felt guilty, because it seemed so disrespectful. Here he had just listened to her whole tale, and she hadn't once even inquired about him! That really bothered Mary.

A few days later, unexpectedly, Mary received a text from Abe, asking how she was doing. Mary told Abe that she was doing better, and that it really bothered her that she had never asked how he was doing. After that, they had texted back and forth nearly every day.

It helped to have someone where she could safely lay her troubles, and she was careful to listened to his concerns as well. Abe was not the sort to pour his troubles out to anyone. He was definitely the strong silent type. However, Mary just listened to him, about how much he loved his son, and what his family was up to.

Things went on like that for awhile. Ryan got steadily worse. One minute he could hardly lift his head, and the next, he was throwing things across the room. Mary was at a loss for what to do for her husband. The doctor suggested sedation, but Ryan didn't like the way the drugs made him feel.

In the meantime, Abe, and Mary were getting closer, and closer. Mary felt a little guilty, but she needed someone, and Abe was simply an outlet. Abe started hinting to her how unhappy his marriage sometimes was. He didn't make a big deal of it, but there were little things in passing conversation. Abe, however, never indicated that he was anything but committed to his marriage.

Things might have gone on just as they were, except one night, Ryan just lost it! Mary tried to give him some dinner, and he knocked it out of her hand. She started to clean up the mess. Suddenly Ryan was on her. He screamed that she hated him! He cussed at her, and called her disgusting names, and then he grabbed her around the throat, and began to squeeze the life out of her.

Mary fought him for everything she was worth! She couldn't talk to him, because she couldn't breathe. Just as darkness was starting to descend from lack of oxygen, Ryan let her go, and started screaming, clutching his head! He howled in pain! As soon as Mary could breathe, and collect herself, she ran out of the house, grabbing her phone, and purse by the door! She climbed in her car, and drove away!

When she was a few blocks away, after realizing that Ryan was not coming after her, she called Abe. Abe told her he was coming right then, and to “Call the paramedics!”. Mary did call the paramedics, and then sat shivering in the car until Abe opened her car door. Mary wasn't sure how long she had sat there, but it seemed as if Abe got there very quickly.

When Abe got there, he pulled her out of the car, and hugged her. She just held on. It was all she could do at that point. She simply was so overcome with what had happened that she simply had no sense about anything except to grasp onto the only thing that made sense in that moment. Abe was that thing.

For how long they stood there clasped in one another's arms, Mary wasn't sure. It seemed to go on forever. When they finally pulled away from one another, Mary could see anguish in Abe's eyes. She could see all her fear, and pain reflected there. Then she saw his eyes darken, as he saw the condition of her neck. For a moment, she saw hot anger leap into his eyes.

Mary hurried to reassure him, “He didn't know what he was doing!”.

“That doesn't change the fact that you cannot go back there, Mary!”, Abe said passionately.

That was when Mary just dissolved into tears! All of a sudden everything just became too overwhelming! She threw herself in his arms again, and began to sob like she had never cried before!

Abe said, “Mary, don't cry Honey! Please don't cry! I can hardly bear to see you like this!”! Abe sounded just torn in two! He lifted her head, as he begged her, and that is when he kissed her. This was not a comforting, gentle kiss. This was a passionate, desperate kiss, like she hadn't received in years, if ever! And once again Mary was holding on. In fact, she was more than holding on, she was kissing him back for all she was worth! She was kissing him with as much desperation as she felt coming from him, and even more desperation than she had cried with a few seconds before!

Seconds, or minutes, or hours later, Mary couldn't tell, Abe ripped his lips from hers with a groan that sounded torn from him! It was then Mary realized just what they were doing! He was a married man! She was a married woman! Her husband could be dying in the hospital, and here she was kissing another man! Oh MY GOD! What was she DOING?

As Mary's hearing came back, as her senses returned, all she could hear was Abe apologizing.

“I am SO sorry! I don't know why I did that! This is the last thing you need right now! I just couldn't watch you cry! I've always cared about you, but this is completely unacceptable! Please tell me you forgive me, Mary!” Abe's eyes pleaded.

For her part, Mary just didn't know what to say! She was so upset, words were beyond her! She was overcome with guilt, guilt at what she was doing to Ryan, guilt for what she was doing to Abe, guilt before God! And yet, Abe's eyes required an answer! She could see that if she didn't say something, he was going to blame himself, but this was all her fault!

“Of course, I forgive you! But I need to get to the hospital!” Mary said roughly. She hardly recognized her own voice! Then she dropped her eyes to keep him from seeing her incredible discomfort.

“Yes, let's get you to the hospital!” Abe sounded horrified at himself. Mary wanted to comfort him, but she just didn't have the capability of doing that at the moment.

He loaded her in his truck. She didn't even question leaving her car behind. Then they drove to the hospital in silence. Quietly, he walked her in, and she went to the front desk to ask about Ryan. The lady at the front desk asked her to have a seat while she located Ryan. Abe, and Mary sat down.

Within a few minutes there was a handsome young doctor standing in front of Mary. This is when Mary's memory gets blurry, because that doctor began saying things, but none of it made any sense to Mary's overwhelmed mind. All she heard was a few words about Ryan being dead, and then she fainted dead away.

Mary woke up in an exam room. She had an IV, and there was a nurse checking her vitals. The whole room had fuzzy edges. It took her a minute to realize what happened. Then it came back, Ryan was dead! She was nothing better than an adulteress, and she was responsible for hurting a good man! How easy it was to find oneself in the midst of horror!

Shortly, the nurse discovered she was awake. She reassured Mary that the fuzzy room was due to being sedated. Mary was told to get some rest. Soon, the drugs, overtook reality, and Mary did sleep.

When Mary awoke, she saw Abe sleeping in a chair at the foot of her bed. He looked haggard, and exhausted. She let him sleep, while she decided what to do about him. He was married, and she knew that he genuinely cared for her. However, she could not be the cause of destroying his life! It was then, she decided to head back to the mountain. The mountain seemed the only thing big enough to contain her grief. It was the only place where she could deal before God with all that had happened.

Besides that, Mary instinctively knew that more than anything, she needed to cling to the living breathing world of the mountain. Only there could she pour her heart out to the God that loved her. She realized that Abe had stepped into her life at a time when she needed someone to listen, but that in the process of pouring her heart out to Abe, she had neglected to give her troubles to the only one who could solve them. THAT had been her error.

About the time that she digested that thought, Abe opened his eyes. Mary smiled at him, the smile of someone with a restored heart. Oh, she was still grieving, but it was with a heart that knew its place. They say, that one should not make radical decisions during times of grief, but there are times when radical decisions are the only path.

Abe said, “I am so glad to see you looking better. I am so sorry, for everything. I know that you probably don't want to see me anymore, but please let me help you get through the next couple days. I promise that I will leave you alone after that.” . Abe looked miserable.

Mary told him, “None of this is your fault! I should have never involved you in any of this. I am sorry for that. I just wasn't in my right mind.” . Mary smiled at him reassuringly.

“I will accept your help in the next few days. I just don't think I am up to doing it all on my own, and because Ryan, and I do not have any family to speak of locally, being that we only moved here for his cancer treatment, I am going to let you help me.”, Mary smiled. Abe looked relieved.

“Please don't think this is all your fault. I just didn't realize how lonely I had gotten, nor how my feelings for you were still there after all this time. I promise, you have nothing more to fear from me!” Abe said intently.

“Don't worry about it. I just want you to know that after the funeral, I will be leaving town. I don't belong here. I'm going home.” Mary smiled bravely, wanting him to know she would be alright.

The following days after their talk in the hospital were a blur. They were very hard. Mary had to deal with Ryan's family, and friends. All the time in the background, was Abe, quietly taking care of things Mary needed. The funeral was hard, but there He was standing on the outskirts of everything. When it was over, Abe was true to his word, hugged Mary goodbye, and left her alone.

Mary put the house on the market, and moved to the mountain. It took her a long time to work through her grief over Ryan. It still appalled her how they had managed to end their marriage together. Mary so wished she could go back, and somehow change the outcome of their troubles. Maybe she should have pressured the doctor to place Ryan in hospice. Maybe in trying to do it all herself, to give him a peaceful end without medical intervention, she had inadvertently created that last day.

Even so, there was no undoing any of it. Certainly, there was no undoing the love she still felt for Abe, that had grown without her even knowing that it was coming. Nevertheless, Mary knew that she had no place in Abe's life, and perhaps never will. She recognized that he had a duty to his wife and child, and Mary had a duty to God. It now made her happy to think of him being happy as well.

About the time, Mary had re-run these thoughts and memories in her head for about the thousandth time, she had collected all her herbs, and Grandma's voice was quieted one more time. Mary headed back to the cabin, stopping by the chicken pen to feed the chickens, and then the hog pen to do the same with the hogs. She had a new litter of adorable little baby pigs. The new life reminded her that the future was brighter than the past.

Mary went back to the cabin, and got in her truck, to drive down the mountain to the general store, and her herb dealer. She drove slowly. It was always a pleasure to watch the way the countryside changed with the seasons as she drove. Often she slowed down to look at this or that shrub or tree.

When she got to the general store, she sold her herbs, and purchased a few necessities, then headed on back home the same slow way she had come. When she got home, she put up the animals, made sure every one had water, and headed into the cabin. It had been a good day. She ate supper, and went to bed.

The next morning, her day started much the same as it did the day before, and the day before that. For her this was a comfort. One thing about the mountain, things might change slowly, but the changes were rarely frightening.
Once again, Mary found herself quietly sipping her coffee on the porch. She was watching the squirrels run from tree to tree. She looked off down the path, and suddenly she was on her guard. She picked up her shotgun, and laid it quietly across her lap, as she watch the form of a man walking toward her. He had a tired, burdened weight to his step.

Mary watched his progression cautiously. As he approached, she thought she recognized something in his walk, something familiar, something she sometimes dreamt deep in the night. Just as soon, as that thought flitted across her mind, Mary recognized him! Joy, and then a new form of caution played with her mind. Consequently, she let Abe keep coming, waiting, and preparing for the coming moments.

When Abe reached the porch, he smiled a slow, if sad smile, and said, “You are a hard lady to reach. I called your old cell, and it was a no go. When we were in school, I never knew just where you lived. I have been looking for you all over these mountains!”

“Well you found me, Abe. What can I do for you?”, Mary heard her own voice say stiltedly. Sometimes when the most amazing, emotional moments come, the very act of speaking becomes a labor. That was how Mary was feeling. She wanted to run to him, had wanted to, ever since she saw him. She wanted to throw her arms around him, and welcome him, but she sensed that there were still words that needed to be said.

“Mary, after you left, I sincerely tried to restore my marriage. I started going to church like we did when we were young, remember? I tried to be a good husband. However, a few months ago, I went home, and found a note from my wife that she was leaving me for our accountant. She took our son, and left the country. I have no hope of finding them, though my private investigator is trying. I am alone, and divorced.” Abe said all this with a quiet sadness in his voice.

“Maybe she felt that I had feelings for you, but I don't think so, because she had been distancing herself from me, long before you came along. Nonetheless, the truth is, Mary, I love you. Please don't send me away!” . Abe's eyes searched Mary's intently trying to gauge her feelings.

“Abe, how could I send my own heart away? All I have done ever since we parted is play our story over, and over again in my head. I used to think that it had happened at the wrong time, but the truth is, you came at just the right time to help me when I most needed it! I think God sent you.”, Mary told him with love shining in her eyes.

“Mary, I will sleep in the barn, and then tomorrow we will see about how we can spend the rest of our lives together. How do you feel about that?”, Abe said, putting his arms around her.

“It sounds like my first taste of heaven! But we've got a long time till you have to sleep in the barn. How about I give you some breakfast, and then I introduce you to my mountain?”. Mary smiled up at him, her heart already churning the beat only Abe could bring to it.

“ That sounds GREAT! But first, I have something more important on my mind!”, and Abe bent down, and kissed her. Even though they had only kissed one time before, this kiss was like coming home.

The End.