[Open letter series] To my only son, who I miss so much!

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Dear child of mine,

Today I want to look back on your first weeks after you were born, because these moments should be treasured. Please read with me.. Mommy is thinking about you, don't forget! I hope one day you will be able to read all the posts and especially the letters I've written for you and your big sister while we were separated. Do you remember that you were mommy's little sweetheart when we were not separated yet? And that I tried to protect you from everything evil outside your small world? Let's go back to your first weeks in this world...

Because of negative experiences after your sister's birth, I promised myself this time people would accept my needs as a mother and your needs as a newborn, that I would protect you from them doing otherwise.
With your sister people did not care that we needed to rest, or we didn't want to have visitors all day, and did not respect the fact that I had just given birth and needed to recover. It was mostly your father making sure that I was stressed out a lot, and I saw this pattern by the time you were about to be born.. So I decided this time, it will be different.

This time I would not let him stop me from breastfeeding you, as he did when your sister was born. My motherheart wanted to do so, or at least give it a decent try, for when it would not work out. I was feeling lots of regrets after I gave in to your father's wishes to stop trying breastfeeding your big sister. Looking back, the only thing that kept me us back then, was the stress he gave me while patiently trying to breastfeed her. But this was not about to happen once again. I stood my ground, and we were one hell of a team! I am so glad I did not let anyone interfere these precious moments with you. They are in my heart forever..

You were off to a difficult start after being born, and I can still see how your little arm was attached to an IV as if this were yesterday. It broke my heart to see you that way, but luckily you were a champ, and you recovered very quickly. They never knew what was causing the rough start, at least not that I know of.. but from the moment you recovered you were doing great! I absolutely adored you from the first moment you were in my life! You were my little boy, and you will always be my little boy.

Because you had a rough start, we got our own private room which was very big, and I remember you were the biggest baby on that floor. Most babies were born too early, not on time like you were. I remember that we had a nurse to ourselves 24/7 and that they were such loving nurses, everyone adored you. They were a great support to me, because at that time your father already was not that present like he was when your sister was born. I didn't mind, I enjoyed the peace and the nurses were making sure we were doing well with the breastfeeding. But you were a natural, so we didn't need them too much. Unfortunately I got a bad cough due to the air conditioning, and therefore I had lots of pain while recovering from the C-section. But you lightened up my day, so I didn't mind.

When we were heading home your father did not come, he sent his mother, and when I sad goodbye to the nurse taking care of us, I couldn't help myself from crying when saying goodbye to that kind nurse that has made our stay one that mustn't be forgotten. We got home, and I promised myself we would take the time together we needed, and so I did. I enjoyed spending time with you alone, and with you and your sister together. I treasure these memories a lot!

Your sister was a bit jealous though, and she had to get used to your presence. But that was only in the beginning, and of course she was used to getting all the attention for herself. Now she had to share the attention from everybody. This is a common thing when an only child gets a little sibling, so I did not worry too much about it. I remember the pictures and moments where she held you like a proud big sister, and to me those moments feel like they were yesterday. So much love ..

Unfortunately you had reflux, and you could not lay down without screaming due to the pain you had. And my motherheart cried with you, especially because your father kept saying: "let him cry, his sister always stopped when we let her cry a few minutes". He was right that she stopped, but your sister didn't have pain, and was just crying because she was tired. And it never took long for her to fall asleep. But you had this cry that hurted me listening to, I knew this was not because you were tired, you were in pain, but you couldn't tell me what was wrong. I did not listen to your father, which resulted in him being angry at me, because I was spoiling you, he said. But I knew something was wrong, because as long as you were lying against me with your head up, you would be completely fine, the crying always started when someone wanted to put you in bed to sleep. Even putting the mattress a bit higher on the heads end wasn't enough to make you scream.
I cried with you so many times, because your father kept telling me that I should leave you there screaming.

Luckily I googled your symptoms and found out you were probably having reflux, and there would be a medicine for it. So I went to the doctor who listened to my story, and said: "you already know what's going on, right?" I told him I thought you had reflux, he confirmed, wrote a note for the pharmacist, and I was happy to see you being relieved. I also bought a carrier, so I could do household tasks with you hanging against my body, as you were so peaceful whenever you touched my skin. We were such a good team, my baby boy. I am glad that my mother instinct was stronger than listening to your father, and I always knew when something was wrong with you. There was nothing wrong with our bonding.

Because I loved carrying you so much all these months, we bought a carrier for your smaller sister too when she was born. She had the same symptoms by the way. And because of my experience with you, I could anticipate even faster to get her medication for it. Every time that I carried her in the carrier, and every time I watched her father (your stepfather) carry her, I thought of you. Every single time, you were on my mind.

Let me end this letter with telling you how much I love you. I never stopped loving you, and I am looking forward to the moment we will be reunited all together, and I am hoping that you will find a way together with your sister to cope with all that has been going on in your little precious lives. Please never ever think that I wanted to be separated from the two of you, when you will be big enough to hear the full story, I will tell you. I will keep writing letters to you and your sister so you can read what I was feeling all these years, and how much I missed you two.

Until we are reunited don't forget: I love you with all my heart, and I think about you every single day! Take care my little boy! I hope you are doing as well as your sister is at school, and you are a happy little boy..

Ik hou van jou - I love you - ¡Te amo! - Szeretlek